Having just celebrated Easter, I have been trying hard to take some time to contemplate the atonement, crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. It's not always easy to take a few minutes to stop and think when you have three little ones, but I still gave it a go.
I have been wanting to make a post. About what exactly? I don't really know. Counseling, though offering some helpful tools, has kind of led me to be more confused then ever.
People have said nothing but positive things about counseling. That it was affirmation that they weren't crazy, or they learned a lot about themselves. It seems to be just the opposite for me. I think I have an answer or have figured things out but the counselor disagrees or says nothing. I'll go in hopes of getting some validation, but it usually doesn't happen. A lot of times I feel crazier coming out of counseling then when I went in.
I guess I do still learn about myself. Even if the learning comes from a negative experience.
I've been so upset and confused these last few weeks that I asked my husband just to cancel our last two sessions.
Our last session left me so confused and angry I began to feel like I was regressing. I slunk into a negative depression. I became upset with my husband and I just lost the will to fight, or to open up and try anymore. My mom said something that just hurt me to the extreme. And I just didn't know where to turn to for answers.
Now, the counselor doesn't seem to understand me. My parents are sick of me. My husband won't fully open up to me, so I'm tired of opening up to him. And I just didn't want to become a huge bother to my friends.
I had been told that my happiness in this marriage could not be reliant on my husband changing, and the time frame he changes in. I know this. I know happiness, or unhappiness, cannot be reliant on others actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. We can't place that expectation on others. That's just not fair.
It made sense, but at the same time it was the most confusing thing in the world. Happiness for me is sharing myself with people. Giving everything I am to someone. It leaves me incredibly vulnerable, but I just don't know how else to live. How could I be happy if I couldn't trust giving myself fully to the man I love? How could I be expected to want to continue on in this marriage if some changes in our relationship didn't take place? True, he doesn't ask me to give of myself that way, and changes do take time. But am I really to believe that people do not need to be responsible for the hurtful things they have done simply because only we can control how we respond to their actions? Though there is truth to it, it also feels like a huge lie.
I then asked my husband one night, "Do you think this makes sense: You don't have to apologize for the feeling, but you should for the action?"
I think we are all entitled to feel certain ways: angry, sad, irritated, ignored, happy, etc. But maybe it is the lashing out, the acting on those emotions that we need to answer for. Sometimes we have feelings that sort of betray our true selves. But feeling them doesn't mean we loose ourselves. I think the true test comes from the judgement we exercise in deciding what to do with those feelings.
Other things became clearer as life went on. A visit to the temple helped. And talks, in church, on Easter Sunday helped too.
I listened to the story of Christ washing the apostles feet. The realization that he washed the feet of the man he knew would ultimately betray him really hit me. Could I wash the feet of those who have betrayed and hurt me? I know I do not have the perfect understanding of Christ, nor do I truly know people and the intents of their hearts. But even so could I fight through the anger and the hurt to have the forgiveness in my heart that Christ had?
The story of Christ suffering in Gethsemane really struck a chord. I realized that he suffered for the very sin of those who nailed him on the cross and crucified him. A certain humbling came over me. How incredible a feat was that?
I think Christ felt a sorrow as he suffered. I think he felt a sorrow when he asked God, "Forgive them. They know not what they do."
It was then that I realized sorrow could accompany forgiveness. Pain and anger rising up daily didn't have to mean my marriage was over. It didn't have to mean I had failed. Pain is a part of healing. Sorrow could be felt even if I have a perfect understanding and forgiveness in my heart. I can stay in this marriage even if I still feel the pain of what has happened. I have done all I can to sort out my emotions. Now, it will just take time to heal.
The atonement is the most incredible blessing in our lives. And the knowledge that he suffered for me too is a humbling comfort in times like this. There is always a lesson to be learned and a perspective to be seen. I'm so thankful for the blessing of the Easter lesson I received this year.
