OK, so I have wanted to write something like this for a while, but now I'm afraid that it might be the butt of controversy. So please know that if any of this sounds one sided, or like I'm picking sides, I really don't mean it to. I love my boys and understand perfectly that every situation is different. These are just some perspectives I have from my experiences, but they aren't my only perspectives :).
To my future Daughter in Law's,
Let me start off by saying, I have no idea how to be a mother in law. I've thought and thought and thought about this subject. I know no matter what gender I happened to have there was no way to escape becoming a mother in law. But the pressure is on when it comes to being a mother in law to only daughter in laws. My roll is an infamous one, full or cliche's and bad jokes. I wish I could somehow escape this. Maybe I can, but probably not. But my main concern isn't our relationship. Our relationship doesn't matter nearly as much as the relationship you'll have with my son-- sons. I have dedicated my life to trying to make sure I raise you the perfect husband-- husbands. It's inevitable that I fail. Nobody is perfect after all. But I just want you to know what things I will try to teach my sons in hopes that they will be good husbands to you.
First of all my experiences have led me to see that I want to teach my sons how to really love a woman. This means more than just repeatedly playing the Brian's Adams' song over and over again-- yes this is the second time I've mentioned Brian Adams on this blog, can you tell I'm a fan ;). You know how you watch those romantic movies. The one's where the man goes to all sorts of lengths to get a girls attention, or convince her she is loved. And then you hear, "That only happens in the movies." Is that true? I hope not. I hope I can teach my boys to see that even though they may not always understand the way a woman reacts that she is not just some irrational being who should be written off. Her thoughts and feelings should be listened too and validated. They should look at it as an opportunity to try and learn more about a woman and the important role that she will play in their lives.
I want to teach my boys to respect a woman even if she is not respecting herself. I hope to teach them that when a woman dresses a certain way she isn't necessarily broadcasting, "I want sex." At least in most cases. She is trying to say she wants a mate, that she wants to be loved, that she wants a meaningful relationship, that she wants to be treated like the girls in those romantic movies and a little that she wants to feel like she's hot. It wasn't until recently that I fully understood what dressing provocatively does to men. I know people tried to explain it to me, but it just didn't click. I had in my head that sex was love. But sex and love are two separate things that can eventually come together, one can be the expression of the other. But for most men sex can be separate from love. This can be true for women too, but for me, at least, they were one and the same. When a guy looked at me in a super hot dress with longing in his eyes I thought, "This is how I get his attention. This is how I show him that he wants to get to know me. Now he see's that he's interested in me as a person." It didn't really occur to me what messages men might really think I was sending. I want my boys to take a step back and look for all the message possibilities. I hope I can explain these differences well, and more importantly, I hope they grasp it.
Along with that my boys will be told to never, ever, ever, ever, hit a woman. OK. . .there may be some scenario someday where it could be justified-- this is why I also hope I can teach them good discernment. But if a woman is being aggressive I want them to just walk away.
I will tell my boys that if they feel the need to rebel, to go on a journey to experience life, to throw order out the window and go completely insane trying to find themselves that they do it on my time. I'd much rather have them rebel on me. I'd much rather have them go insane on me. I'd much rather deal with their crazy journeys of self awareness then to have them promise their spouse that they are a person who will live a certain life. That they are a person who will make certain vows, only to shatter them a couple years later because they never took the opportunity to learn and explore all the options there are in life so they can be certain this is the life they really want. So if they feel the need to rebel. I hope they rebel on me.
Another thing I have tried to tell myself as I raise my boys, "I'm raising your husband, not my son." Yes my boys are my sweet little babies. They will always be my children, but in reality the most important relationship they have is the relationship they have with you. I'm raising them to take care of you, not me. I firmly believe that God intended new families to begin this way. I believe that a young couple is to marry and then go off and learn how to be a couple. I think they should date and get to know each other. They should worry about their relationship and work on building it together. They need to just be themselves so they can become one and united. I am preparing myself to let my boys-- well I guess men-- go and start building their family. I want them to take care of you and the relationship you share. It should be of the utmost importance. They always say that in order to take care of others you need to first take care of yourself. I want my boys to treat their marriages like this. First you two take care of yourselves and your little family, and then you worry about others. When they get married I will let them go and if I raised them right they will come back. Only hopefully when they come back they will be one with you and they will present you to me, not me to you.
I love my boys. They are so very special to me, and I totally have their back if situations get tough. But this is a letter to my future daughter in laws, whomever you may be, and these are just some of the things I want you to know that I thought of while I was trying to find a way to survive the crazy day to day life of raising 4 boys 4 years old and under. I hope I got through somewhere.
I want you to know that I really do believe that the relationship my sons have with their wives is the MOST important one. And I am working hard to make sure I raise them with this mindset. I don't know if you and I will get along. I can't guarantee that I will be an awesome mother in law-- in fact I will probably be terrible. . .really, really terrible. I know it won't be easy. I know it won't be perfect. I know it will be hard to watch my sons grow up and become men. I know it will be hard to let them go and pass the torch onto another woman. But the thing is the torch was never mine. In my head it has always been yours, and my job is to prepare them for you. I hope I taught them well.
Sincerely,
Your Future Mother in Law
P.S. I also hope that somewhere along the way they learned to be clean.
