I've really been struggling the last few weeks. I've been trying to fight off the feelings of inadequacy. The feelings that say I have absolutely no way to get a handle on my life. The one's telling me I really have been handed more than can handle. Somedays I just have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get control of my life.
A couple of weekends ago we had a busy Saturday, and I felt myself getting overwhelmed. I went to a friends shower but didn't stay long because I could feel myself slipping. We then made a trip to the grocery store and as I was loading the car a woman walked by and said, "Are your feet cold?" I was a little confused and said, "No." Then she replied, "Well your baby's are." I was completely shocked I tried to shake it off as I put my baby in his car seat, who had apparently taken his socks off somewhere along our busy Saturday. I turned around to see if the woman was still there and see if I could come up with some sort of reply to let her know how rude I thought she was. I sarcastically yelled, "Thank you!" She simply replied, "You're welcome!" This made me angry. How could she honestly think I was being gracious. I then decided I needed to get my point across. So I yelled every rude thing that came to my mind. I yelled as long as I could still see her. I yelled when I thought maybe she was within ear shot. And I yelled even though I was pretty sure she could no longer hear me anymore. Later I felt bad for all the horrible ugliness I threw at her.
My husband walked up confused and I explained it all. As much as he said he understood I felt like he had put up some sort of a wall since we had left the baby shower. It made me upset that I didn't feel completely understood by him and we ended up mad at each other.
When I got home my mom called, or I called her I can't remember. She could tell I was upset and asked me what was wrong. I broke down into tears and told her about what happened. My mom rose to my defense. It's hard to explain but I wasn't so angry about what she said I was angry that she had given me a trial I now had to deal with and struggle to get over. I understand it's my choice to get upset and get angry, but it's a hardship to turn the other cheek, to seek the road of peace and to just let it go and move on and not just sit and fume about it until I'm sick.
Life trailed on. My wedding Anniversary was coming up, and I wasn't looking forward to it. But I tried to remain positive and think we could find a way to have a decent anniversary, even if it has foul memories attached to it. We were supposed to get away for the weekend. We ended up fighting. So goes the curse of our anniversary. We tried to make up for it on Valentine's day. My husband even replaced my wedding ring. But I was so upset with myself for letting our weekend get ruined because I got into a funk when I realized things weren't nearly as planned out as I had thought. It was hard, but trying to have hope that I could enjoy our anniversary, and then feeling like it was just going to be another let down really got to me.
Things seemed a little better, but I felt like I was constantly battling to stay on top. One of my twins had to go into surgery to get is retina reattached, and it happened to be the week my parents went out of town. My parents going out of town is hard on it's own. Their help with the kids makes everything go a little bit smoother. But on top of it we had a surgery that I was kind nerve wracked over-- thankfully my amazing aunt came to our home at 6:30 in the morning to babysit, AMAZING!
As I'm dealing with my child's recovery, trying to squeeze everything in, while also running on low sleep and little time for a break and while not having the grandparents as a go to sitter for random things that pop up, some comments about my kids behaviors sent me over. I continued to fight. But I couldn't help but feel so inadequate as a mother, so helpless to try and correct my children. I feel so alienated when I go out in public with my kids. Then to top it off I seem to be getting bombarded with incidents that only serve to prove that my kids are just too much to take places.
It's hard, I have at least one more, if not double, and sometimes four times the kids of most people my age. As I talk to people sometimes I forget they haven't hit certain stages, or they don't have nearly as many little people vying for their attention. It makes it hard. And I realize not everyone truly understands what having 4 kids within 4 years, that happen to all be boys, is really like. But still I wish I felt like I could take my kids somewhere without my stomach knotting up, and hoping I don't have to endure any comments about it later.
Today truly dumped on me. I struggled to get past comments about my kids. My youngest wouldn't take a nap. I sat down to do a scrap booking project but found all my supplies were lost and missing. I hit my head on the shelf above our dryer. I loaded the kids up and went to the store to get supplies only to find my debit card would not work. I headed to the bank to check my balance. One of my children got out of his seat just has a I had to slam on the breaks, knocking over the plastic toilet someone had used while they were waiting in the car and getting a bloody nose. I then went to the store where my kids ran around like crazy monkey's. I took deep breaths and tried to calmly ask them to stop as to not turn into the crazy mom snapping at her kids all through the store. I got home and unloaded the groceries. I found a moments peace when I saw my boys all happily helping me carry stuff in and put it away. One little boy even struggled to carry in the big packs of V8 I had set outside the door. Then as I made a dash to change the baby, start the pizza, stop the dryer which is broken and won't stop on it's own, let the dogs out and put away groceries one child decided to play in the bathroom. He was once again pumping my homemade foam soap, that has essential oils in it, down the drain. I have told him and told him and told him not to mess with the soaps. I have told him this when he grabs the antibacterial soap in the bathroom and uses a whole bottle to make a bubble bath. I told him when half our Christmas foam soap disappeared to him playing in the sink. We have gone over this. So I snapped and sent him to his room.
I have been playing music non stop. I did exercises and danced to help get rid of all the negativity. I continued to struggle with the comments made earlier. I read in a book that when we rehash things we actually open a portal between us and the person we're upset with and allow them to come in and to keep hurting us. In my head I tell myself, "Close the portals, sever the ties." It's helped a lot. But it's still a fight. We also said a lot of prayers. Or at least I did, in my head. As the night went on I heard a voice whisper, "Let me take it." I took a deep breath and let go of all the emotions.
It's hard being a mom of 4 young boys. It's hard to realize that I can't always take my kids with me everywhere I go. I love my kids, and I want to spend time with them because I feel like I am always gone. I realize not everyone is used to the craziness that is my kids. It's just hard to keep my own life in check. It's seriously a big bunch of craziness that never slows down. And then when other people add to that I just really struggle with being given the burden of having to try and let it go and move on. Oh well, I know I've probably done my fair share of saying things that were insulting, even though I don't do it intentionally.
