I'm not going to lie. It's been a rough night. The funny thing is the roughest nights always jump out and surprise me. I think I'm having a pretty good day. I'm getting a little irritated here and there, but I feel like I can brush it off and jump right back into a good mood. But then suddenly something just snaps, and my patience is completely gone.
I'm feeling a little stressed. I'm trying to figure out my finances. I'm trying to figure out school. I'm trying to seek my Heavenly Father's guidance and counsel. And I'm wanting to write about events in my life, but I know now is not the time. This gets especially hard because writing is often how I work through my emotional hardships.
I've been trying to not let the stress get to me, but I'm obviously not doing a great job. I keep procrastinating even though I know I shouldn't. I keep putting things off out of fear. I just wish I had someone that could help me sit down and focus, but I know the only person that can do that is me. Unfortunately, I don't have the best track record. I just wish I could give 100% somewhere. But instead I full like I barely pass at every thing in my life.
I wish I could give 100% to school. I wish I could nail my homework and have it completed on time. I wish I didn't drag it out endlessly because I feel so incapable of completing it correctly.
I wish I could give 100% to my birth classes, but I keep putting it off saying, "I'll do it when I get my homework done." Then I find myself not even having an hour before the class starts to get all my handouts put together.
I wish I could give 100% to advancing myself forward in my careers. I wish I showed more initiative in getting doula clients. I wish I put more effort into advertising for cleaning. I wish I could actually build up my doTERRA business like I've seen so many of my friends do. But every time I sit down determined to put effort into it. The steam quickly disappears.
Recent trip to Kanab. Me and my big arms. Oh well, a lot of it's muscle ;).
Most of all I wish I could give 100% to my kids. I wish I could sign them up for dance classes and actually remember to take them. I wish I could get them involved in sports during the summer, but I don't even know how I would find the time. I wish they didn't have to sacrifice so their mom could get homework done. I wish I could take them out on fun activities without feeling like I'm not being irresponsible because I'm putting off schoolwork yet again. I wish I could take the advice of those sentimental quotes that travel around facebook: "Enjoy this time now because you'll be longing for it later." I want to try and enjoy it. I want to try and give them amazing memories. I don't want their entire childhood to simply be, "We'll do that after mom gets this homework done alright?" And so on. . .
I feel like I have to play so many roles in my life right now. I actually feel like I've been playing those roles for a while. I miss the simplicity. I miss when my focus just had to be on the house and the kids. I don't even know how to create that simplicity again. I don't know how to get things back in order, so that I know for sure when free time is actually free, and not stolen.
Tomorrow will be another day. I'll strive, once again, to put aside all my fears and just tackle all the craziness. For now I'm off to kick my own butt into gear and try to get through exercising. I know it will help me release some of this stress. As a last little note, I just have to say that I am so thankful for my loving and supportive family, and all the loving and supportive people in my life. Thank you!
