When I had endless talks with people about marriage and kids one underlying theme existed, "It's hard!" As I have now taken on these ventures myself I can totally and completely agree that it is indeed HARD. But I am amazed at the type of "hard" it is.
Marriage leaves me floored when I perceive the power of choice. The choice of two people, who have their own agency, to work together practice to achieve a like goal. Honestly it amazes me when I see it. A person has no reason to choose to sacrifice their own needs for the greater good of the relationship except that they make the choice to do so. I don't know if it makes sense. I know I haven't found a good way to describe it. But if two people don't make the choice to live for the relationship, instead of themselves, it doesn't work very well. And it just amazes me when couples do choose to do it because, well, it all completely depends on an individuals choice. Being married does not automatically mean that both parties have to make that choice. Does that make sense? I should also note that this is not necessarily a reference to the actions in my marriage alone, but just a general overview of what I have noticed from observation of marriage in general.
Then there is the hardship of motherhood.
When I had the twins I was told I wouldn't sleep, eat, shower, get dressed, etc. for months. Life would just be crazy caring for these two babies. I was freaked out. I was the youngest in my family. Until recently the idea of children had never really appealed to me. I loved my nephew and I enjoyed kids, but I swore I would never want to be pregnant and, even though deep down I knew I'd probably have kids, years of being in situations where I watched kids on a daily basis kind of turned me away from wanting my own. Thinking I would have no idea what to do, and that I'd be swamped by the hardship of the twins I was a little terrified. Well, turns out I had what it took to be a mom. I had been doing this stuff for years. I had been packing bags and snacks, making sure I was well prepared, changing diapers, etc. You name I had acquired all the basic skills a mom needs to care for a child. This wasn't hard at all.
Of course, I learned my lesson. Baby number 3 very much fit all the stories I had heard from other mom's about hardships. And then baby 4 came. He was 5 moths old before I really felt like I saw him for the wonderful blessing that he was.
I may have been prepared with all the skills a mom needs. But I was not prepared emotionally. With the twins I wanted to have babies till I couldn't have babies anymore. But now having more scares me, and I will try to explain why.
Being a midwife you get to attend lovely classes about what to do if a baby is not breathing. You get to hear stories about times when the baby doesn't making. And the stories don't end here. There are a million tragic stories I have heard about what children go through, and how some die. It is heartbreaking. I look at my own kids, and all of the sudden I feel my vulnerability. I have four babies. Four babies that could get hurt, that will have struggles, that may not outlive me. That's where motherhood gets hard for me. I have survived many emotional hardships, but that is one I don't know if I could get through. This week after one such class I wanted so badly just to have my children near me, so I could feel secure that they were safe. But three went with their Dad. And let me tell you, I have very much contemplated not putting my fourth one down for a nap because I just want him near me right now. Of course his grumpiness changed my mind, but I still am missing him terribly right now. That class really affected me.
The emotional side of motherhood took me by surprise. I had four kids before I realized that the more I had the greater the risk there was of having to loose one of them. And it's not just about loosing them either. Just having to watch them struggle is hard.
One of the twins had a problem with his eye. He's been put under 3 times for this alone: once to figure out what was wrong, once to do the surgery and once more to check and make sure the surgery did what it was supposed to. That was three times I had to let my child go into another room without me. Three times I had to give up control and hand him over to medical professionals, and trust them with his life-- essentially though maybe a little dramatic. Three times someone took something that is beyond precious to me to do something that is simply routine for them. Not to mention he had to go in for a hernia surgery just a few months before these procedures, so really it was four times-- and one of my other kids had to have a hernia surgery a long time ago too, so that makes it 5 times. Believe me it really doesn't get easier. You just get a little more used to it, I guess. Now he needs to go under again sometime soon because of a cataract-- a normal side effect of the surgery. It's hard to send your child away to surgery. It's also hard to know he'll have vision problems his whole life. It doesn't seem like a huge deal, but as someone who has vision problems herself it can be scary. It's scary that I have to have that money in order to be able to see. It's scary to think if my glasses break I may not be able to afford to replace them. And what if there comes a time when glasses and contacts aren't available? Contacts aren't going to last forever. Glasses could break, and I may not be able to run to the store for a new pair. It's a possibility, and it's a scary one. This is why I try to research all the things that help eyes. I use aloe juice for eye drops, and put lemongrass and Frankincense around my eyes everyday. I've used Dr. Christopher's Eye Bright formula, but haven't been able to afford to keep it on hand. And I am also trying to use this stuff on my boy. But Aloe eye drops sting. And if you have ever had to try and hold your 5 year old down, with two other nurses, while they give him eye drops for surgery you know that eye drops that sting are not going to be an easy thing. And the oils can sting too, especially when, no matter what, they seem to rub them in their eyes. Not to mention a 5 year old and glasses do not mix very well. Between new prescriptions, and him loosing them, or breaking them, we have gone through about 3 or 4 pairs of glasses since about December of last year.
I haven't had many major things to deal with. My kids are healthy, and we haven't had a lot of scares. But even what I have had to deal with has affected me. And it scares me to think about how much harder it would be to have to handle the major things. These things won't keep me from having more kids. I really want another baby and I feel I have another baby waiting for me. I can tell you right now I am so excited to meet that baby that nothing will keep me from bringing them into this world when it is time. And I'm sure we, as a family, will have to endure a lot of hardships. That is scary, and it's a kind of hard that I never thought about when I decided to have kids. I don't regret having children. I just hope I can find peace if I even find myself in one of those horrible situations.
