Shortly before my 20 weeks ultra sound I had a dream that we got said ultra sound. In the dream, for some reason, I wasn't awake for the whole ultra sound so I was asking my husband what the baby was. At first he said that they were both boys. And I thought, "I'm not talking about the twins ultra sound! I'm talking about this one." Well I couldn't tell if he was giving me new information or old, so I walked over and looked at a photo they had taken of the baby in my tummy. And there it was, clear as day: BOY! Well in this dream I was so devastated by these findings that I behaved TERRIBLY! I threw a tantrum and shouted, "I want to try again! I want to start over!" I was extremely upset and ill behaved. So much so that when I woke I was embarrassed to know I had acted that way even if it was just a dream- I was also relieved to find that we still hadn't had our actual ultra sound. Well I spent the day with my sweet boys, and I thought, "How could someone not want another one of you?"
Well, I would like to say that this dream prepared me in someway. I'd also like to say that said actions remained only in the dream state, but neither are true. I had no idea I would take the words, "It looks like a boy," so hard, but I did. It took me a couple days to come around. Luckily my husband understands my emotional outbursts- though this one was almost so over the top that I didn't know if I could recover- and he didn't have me committed. I know how horrible it sounds. I know that I love my boys more than air, and I would love another one just as much. I know people can't get pregnant, or have lost babies, and that they would be more than happy to find themselves in my situation. But I have to tell you that none of this was going to help in the midst of my emotional climax. No pep talks would have pulled me out of it. I just had to be angry for a day or so. I've come to the conclusion that, instead of experiencing a postpartum depression, I experience bouts of depression throughout pregnancy. It happened with the boys off and on, and it's going to happen this time too.
After a night of crying to my husband. I called my parents and asked them to not tell people yet because I wasn't ready to handle it. Well my mom convinced me to come and talk to her, and it really helped a lot. Not only did she get me to a point where I could actually pull out the ultra sound pics and show people, but I feel like we patched up a part of our relationship that had been scarred after a fight we had around Thanksgiving. She told me, "Other people have gone through this. Your not the only one. Everyone knows who you are and that this isn't you. And they know when that baby comes you'll love it and you'll take good care of it." And you know what? She's right.
So no worries. I don't need counseling. I don't break down and cry when I walk by the girls clothes at Wal-Mart, and when I hear of others having girls I actually have to make myself sarcastically feel jealous.
I wanted my twins to be a girl but I knew I'd have a boy first. So when they told me that they were boys I wasn't surprised. I of course went through moments were I'd get a little resentful that I had two babies in me and not even one could be a girl, but when they came I couldn't imagine having anything else.
The reason this ultra sound was such a shock was because deep down my husband and I both felt that this was our girl. I kept telling people that I have another boy coming but he's coming later. I don't know how to explain how wrong it felt, at first, that this one was a boy. It's not because I don't want another boy. It's because I really felt like my other boy was coming later. But when this boy comes I will love him, and I won't be able to even think about having a girl.
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