It's Enough to Drive you Crazy if You Let it

I've posted about working before, but back then it was a debate about whether or not I wanted to quit. I really thought I'd enjoy being a working mom, but the truth is the same as it was back then: I want to be at home. Now I really have no choice. My job is the only source of income- aside from a weekly babysitting check and occasional plasma donations. I work myself to the bone, and I see very little of my paycheck. In fact I don't even see my paycheck because its just enough to cover our house payment and a few bills. Naturally you can see why this song jumped into my head as I thought about writing this post.


Don't get me wrong, the teacher I work under is wonderful and very understanding. She's a great boss and puts up with me strolling in late because I couldn't pull my tired little pregnant butt out of bed. But even so work leads to an exhaustion that almost leaves me in tears weekly. Luckily working for a school means I only have 3 weeks left, but that also leaves me and my family without an income as far as we know. But even so I can't help but count the days down until I am done- I am actually crossing off the days on a calender.

Not only is the job pushing me to my physical limit, but it interferes greatly with the peace in my home. I go crazy because I can't maintain my home, my kids get confused when mommy is home for a week of Spring Break and then suddenly gone again and I get so tired I can't spend quality time with them when I am home.

I think the worst was last week. I work in a class with autistic children. There is me, 2 other aides and the teacher. Well one aide had to be out for surgery, and a lack of subs left us down one person. This normally isn't a huge problem until my little boy- who is also a bit of a momma's boy- got sick. He would be fine with my husband, but at the same time he really needed his mom. But what could I do? I could not possibly imagine how my fellow employees would be able to manage without me, and my child wasn't so ill that I absolutely had to stay home with him. But it didn't make choosing work over him any easier. Then the weekend rolls around and I'm looking forward to spending the day with my boys, but as I try to shower away that strange icky feeling that had I soon realize I'm sicker then a dog, and I'm on the phone with my mom- my husband has a Saturday class- simply stating, "I need help!"

My day with my boys is now a day of a liquid diet that won't stay down, contractions on top of it all and body aches and cramps that left me on the floor in the fetal position. My husband now has to pull children, that just want to play mom, off of her for obvious reasons. The boys go to bed, and I cry because my day with them is lost. I wanted to just play with them and let them crawl all over me, but I couldn't and it broke my heart.

There is a time and a place when I think a working mom can add extra balance to a home, but working for me is not adding balance to any of our lives right now. Obviously being pregnant and overly emotional doesn't help the situation much either. At least work is almost finished. And I'm trusting that the Lord will provide a way for us to survive when it is finished.