It Just Takes Practice!

It just amazes me. I feel like I get a good handle on things. I feel like I have found peace, and have learned to choose not to get angry. I feel good about how I handle things. I feel good about myself. I'm confident and happy. I feel like I am a well worth someone's time. I feel like I succeed as a person and a mom and that I'm well on my way to putting my life back in order. But then. . .I face a challenge. . .and I fail. I don't know why. I have gotten so good at handling things that I used to not handle well. Why can't I get past this one?

The twins started school, and I was getting rather frustrated with how in the dark I felt. I was trying to keep my patience. Really, I was. But the straw that broke the camels back was when I found out it was early out day, and my kids had been waiting in the office for 30 min. I tried to calm down and not just act. I tried to think things through without just getting upset. I managed to get out of the school without yelling at any school employees, but I did vent my frustrations loudly as I walked my kids out. Sadly it didn't stop there. I let things get to me.

We were late for the first day, and I forgot to comb their hair. 

How did it happen? Why do I do this? Why do I let one little thing destroy all my confidence? Why do I let it bring on such shame? I practice not needing outside validation. I practice thinking things through and letting the anger go. I practice not feeling shame, but forgiving myself and knowing I am still a good person. But this situation always gets to me.

I tried to fix it. I called my mom to get reassurance that I'm not crazy or totally unable to function in society. I kept trying to think it through. I kept trying to find my ground. My kids were so good today. They were really just so sweet. And yet I kept snapping at them. One of the twins kept saying, "You're a good mom. You're a good mom." He was thanking me for something. But instead of feeling joy I started to cry. There I was kneeling on the sidewalk, picking up some bolts and screws that the kids had spilled, when the tears came streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't hold them back. I know that even though I mess up that does not a "bad mom" make, but I felt so ashamed. My kids asked me what was wrong. My four year old brushed the tears off my cheeks and flung his arms around my neck. I couldn't explain what was wrong. It just felt terrible being called a "good mom" when I felt so ashamed of how I had acted.

He took his Spidey Suit to school

Sometimes life makes sense and feels good. Sometimes I am absolutely certain I am a good person, and no one could convince me otherwise. But other times I am filled with so much self doubt. Then everything gets confusing and fuzzy. I can't make sense of anything. Was it really me? Was it all just me? Am I really the one that can't function?

The night didn't go well. It was "back to school" night. My kids were so excited to show me the projects they had worked on to show the parents. I didn't want to be around people, but what could I do? They were proud of what they did at school, and they wanted to show me. So we went.

I tried to get my frustrations under control. But sitting in an assembly room full of people, trying to keep track of my kids, while listening to things that I didn't feel like listening to wasn't exactly my cup of tea. We went to the boys classroom, and their teacher was very gracious and apologetic about all the craziness. And I learned other parents shared the same frustrations too. It all helped, but I still kept getting way too upset with the kids all night. But they were sweet. They apologized for making messes. I apologized for taking out my frustrations on them. We read stories-- they complained the whole time-- and they went to bed.

That "just rolled out of bed" look is in style still right?

 I have a backup comb in my purse, but I needed a little more backup than that.

I can move on from here. I can forgive myself. I can keep trying to find ways to deal with all these situations. I can continue to believe I deserve happiness and peace. One little set back doesn't need to take away from all those times I handled things so well. I can do this! It just takes practice.

What?

It's the night before my twins first day of kindergarten and I am about to loose my mind. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a mom with kids in school. I was ready for this 4 years ago when I was young, energetic and on top of everything. But now? I don't know how to incorporate this into my life.

When did my babies grow up? When did I become a parent with kids going to school? It's just all so crazy. And there seems to be so much to keep track of.

It could be good. It will probably be good. We can do this, and maybe it will help us have more of a schedule again.

I can do this! I can get my kids to school, and I can be one of those responsible mom's who is on top of everything. . .or I can at least act like it. . .or I can just barely squeeze by throwing everything together the night before. Either way it will work.

Not a Lego Mom

First of all, it is way, unbelievably, hard to take selfies with my new phone-- even though the camera flips to forward facing. That is probably a sign that I need to stop with the selfies. However, selfies are becoming essential if I ever wish to be in a photo again, so I'm sure there is no end in sight.

Now on with the post.

Can I just say I have had an interesting time as a mother lately? I have ran around like crazy, doing what I'm not sure. I have cleaning appointments and other jobs, but over all I feel like those don't take up much time. I have also tried to make more of an effort to take the kids places. This adds to the craziness. In these past few weeks we have struggled. I've been called naughty mom, bad mom, mean mom, fat, etc. It's been great. Ok, I have also been told I'm a nice mom, a great mom and that I'm beautiful by these same boys so I guess I can let it go. But I'm somewhat struggling with the boys. I'm trying to establish relationships where we talk, not yell-- or whine-- and where we use words and not just scream or pout. Well each time I get after the kids for something I realize I myself do the same thing. Then I feel at a loss. What a terrible example I am. Why should they behave if I can't behave? I have also realized that I was having issues similar to those described in this article. This has made parenting a very interesting road. One side of me knows I need to teach them and put my foot down. While the other side empathizes and tries to remember how I felt at that age. One great thing about this: I shared this with my mom, and she gave me some support in the area of disciplining. It only took a couple times of her telling me it was OK to just "do this", or just "do that", for me to start feeling more comfortable, and less guilty, with discipline. This leads us down a new road to new adventures.

I started to realize I needed to get my life back in order. Not only did I realize I needed to, but I realized I had the power to. I have tried to practice more consistency in my scheduling, and I'm hoping to continue to have even more. And I am working more with the kids on establishing the rules of the house. Establishing rules has been a terribly frustrating road in our lives, with very little order. Before I had no energy to try and fix it, but I now have found this energy and we are working on squashing these bad habits out of our lives. Take the other night for instance:

The boys wanted to watch a movies from Grandma's house. I said they could watch it, but first they had to put the other movie away. Well the couldn't find the case. But that was just too bad because if they didn't find it they couldn't watch a new movie. We looked all over and finally found it. I had them put the movie away and then put the new movie in. I then told them to put the case somewhere that would make it easy to find so we didn't have to go through that again. 

This felt good. I was so happy with the situation. I felt like I helped teach them how to take care of our stuff instead of yelling at them later for not taking care of it. Of course there is my super independent 4 year old who takes it upon himself to make his own rules. But I'm hoping we can meet in the middle and find a place where he can still feel independent and I can still feel like there is order. . .I'm hoping. . .hoping and praying. . .
Yes, we have been working on establishing more order in a lot of different areas of our lives. This has led me to a new discovery:

I am not a Lego mom.

Ok, so Lego's are great! The kids love playing with them. And they seem to be a very therapeutic toy. They definitely keep their attention. But, dang it! I am so tired of finding those things in every little corner of the house. . .yard. . .car. . .purse. . .dogs mouth. . .EVERYWHERE! It's not that I'm stepping on them, or anything annoying like that, I'm just tired of picking up all those tiny little pieces. I told them if they wanted to play with them they had to find a spot and just sit down and play. Well, they chose my bed. Which meant that I had to pick up a bunch of tiny Lego's before I could go to sleep. And they still ended up scattered everywhere. They then put them on their bed. Heavens, was that mess. So I finally gathered them up. I grabbed a plastic container, put all the Lego's around the house in it and told the boys we were done. They couldn't have Lego's until they learned to take care of them.

OK I know deep down inside that not having any Lego's scattered about the house is a ridiculous request. And I know they are a great toy, and that my kids should be allowed to enjoy them. But there is a part of me that really wishes we could skip the whole Lego thing and just keep them banned F-O-R-E-V-E-R!

Maybe if I was a Lego mom I would endure less insults from my kids. Either way I think it's an important example for me to see exactly how, and where, to draw boundaries. The boys love to play with Lego's. I love to not find them all over the house. Together we can work on establishing boundaries that will make all of us happier. All we need to do is just have a little give and take on both sides. I'm happy to let them keep playing with Lego's as long as they keep showing that they are trying to be responsible with them. Overall setting these boundaries will hopefully help bring us all to a happier and more peaceful place. And overall I am trying to tie this random blog post together and wrap it up nicely. I'm not doing a very good job of that.

Sorry for the weird post. Hope it wasn't too random.

My Favorite Things

Being a mom is a tough job. I don't always handle it well, or do it with the most grace. But amidst all the chaos my heart has swelled with joy as I have watched, and enjoyed, little moments with my kids.

I spent some fun one on one time with my almost 2 year old last week. He smiled, he held my hand, he was just so happy and I was happy too. I enjoyed every second. It was nice having the patience to handle any cries or tantrums that came up because I only had one vying for my attention instead of 4. It was simply wonderful. I was just so in love with my little boy.

I love when my boys tell me about their dreams. I take note of my own dreams, and I like to analyze them and think about what they could mean. So I love when they share their dreams with me. Dreams were meant to be described by children :).

I love when they exercise with me. Even though it means they are staying up late. Sometimes a hint of disappointment washes over me. I just wanted to enjoy this time to myself. But then I remind myself that it's a good opportunity for both of us. We get to spend time together, and they are happy and excited to exercise with mom. If they are so enthusiastic about being like mom, when mom is actually setting a decent example, then why should I put a stop to it? Besides, they are so cute as they go through their routines. Often times they copy me, but they have come up with their own creative exercises as well.

This little guy has been my exercise partner the last few nights. Here he is pretending to fight "bad guys" with his Superman Sword as his exercise.

This time he made his own "finish line" and ran through it over and over again. 

I also love playing in the rain with my boys. There is nothing like a good old summer storm. I love the good ones with the thunder, lightening and the huge down pour in a matter of minutes. How can you resist running around and splashing in those puddles. This picture was from a time when I wasn't home, but we had fun playing in the rain today.

I also love spending Sunday afternoons, sitting outside and watching my boys jump for joy at every humming bird they see. The humming birds have stopped in Utah to fatten up before they finish migrating South. We have definitely noticed the surplus of humming birds at our house. And my boys are sure to shout each time they see one. . .or two. . .or three come to drink out of their feeders.

I often feel inadequate as a parent. I often wonder why I was sent these four sweet spirits. I often feel I'm not capable of taking care of them. But that never takes away from simply enjoying those sweet little moments that these four little boys bring into my life. I hope these are the days they remember. I'm almost certain, when I look back, these memories will be the ones I choose to remember.