It just amazes me. I feel like I get a good handle on things. I feel like I have found peace, and have learned to choose not to get angry. I feel good about how I handle things. I feel good about myself. I'm confident and happy. I feel like I am a well worth someone's time. I feel like I succeed as a person and a mom and that I'm well on my way to putting my life back in order. But then. . .I face a challenge. . .and I fail. I don't know why. I have gotten so good at handling things that I used to not handle well. Why can't I get past this one?
The twins started school, and I was getting rather frustrated with how in the dark I felt. I was trying to keep my patience. Really, I was. But the straw that broke the camels back was when I found out it was early out day, and my kids had been waiting in the office for 30 min. I tried to calm down and not just act. I tried to think things through without just getting upset. I managed to get out of the school without yelling at any school employees, but I did vent my frustrations loudly as I walked my kids out. Sadly it didn't stop there. I let things get to me.
We were late for the first day, and I forgot to comb their hair.
How did it happen? Why do I do this? Why do I let one little thing destroy all my confidence? Why do I let it bring on such shame? I practice not needing outside validation. I practice thinking things through and letting the anger go. I practice not feeling shame, but forgiving myself and knowing I am still a good person. But this situation always gets to me.
I tried to fix it. I called my mom to get reassurance that I'm not crazy or totally unable to function in society. I kept trying to think it through. I kept trying to find my ground. My kids were so good today. They were really just so sweet. And yet I kept snapping at them. One of the twins kept saying, "You're a good mom. You're a good mom." He was thanking me for something. But instead of feeling joy I started to cry. There I was kneeling on the sidewalk, picking up some bolts and screws that the kids had spilled, when the tears came streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't hold them back. I know that even though I mess up that does not a "bad mom" make, but I felt so ashamed. My kids asked me what was wrong. My four year old brushed the tears off my cheeks and flung his arms around my neck. I couldn't explain what was wrong. It just felt terrible being called a "good mom" when I felt so ashamed of how I had acted.
He took his Spidey Suit to school
Sometimes life makes sense and feels good. Sometimes I am absolutely certain I am a good person, and no one could convince me otherwise. But other times I am filled with so much self doubt. Then everything gets confusing and fuzzy. I can't make sense of anything. Was it really me? Was it all just me? Am I really the one that can't function?
The night didn't go well. It was "back to school" night. My kids were so excited to show me the projects they had worked on to show the parents. I didn't want to be around people, but what could I do? They were proud of what they did at school, and they wanted to show me. So we went.
I tried to get my frustrations under control. But sitting in an assembly room full of people, trying to keep track of my kids, while listening to things that I didn't feel like listening to wasn't exactly my cup of tea. We went to the boys classroom, and their teacher was very gracious and apologetic about all the craziness. And I learned other parents shared the same frustrations too. It all helped, but I still kept getting way too upset with the kids all night. But they were sweet. They apologized for making messes. I apologized for taking out my frustrations on them. We read stories-- they complained the whole time-- and they went to bed.
That "just rolled out of bed" look is in style still right?
I have a backup comb in my purse, but I needed a little more backup than that.
I can move on from here. I can forgive myself. I can keep trying to find ways to deal with all these situations. I can continue to believe I deserve happiness and peace. One little set back doesn't need to take away from all those times I handled things so well. I can do this! It just takes practice.
There's a song off a kids tape that I have to sing to myself when I feel myself getting way too down on myself. It says - I made a mistake, well holy cow! what are mistakes for anyhow? mistakes are for learning, for learning! Seriously corny, I know. It is meant for children after all. But the "holy cow!" bit gets me every time. It helps me remember to not take my mistakes too seriously. Everyone makes them, but we don't have to sit in them, or be defined by them. It also helps when I get so FRUSTRATED with the kids' mistakes. Well holy cow! they must be learning A LOT! ha ha ha. The phrase "they're just children" however, makes me so CRAZY. It feels too much like an excuse and makes me even angrier. Yeah, I'm messed up like that.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing that I've been looking into is mindfulness. It's really interesting and I think you'd like it too. It's about living in the now and accepting your feelings and letting them exist without feeling guilty about them or hiding them deep so they can take their course and move on. It's about using loving language for yourself and others. It's originally a Buddhist concept, but aligns so well with the gospel, it's awesome. I really want to find someone who can really teach it to me and my family. One of our family rules is to keep the peace, but I think this would show us how to actually have peace in the first place so there is something to keep.
Mostly, I wish it were as easy to obsess about our successes as our failures - it would make feeling confident so much easier! :)
BTW I'm laughing about the backup comb comment. Ha ha, it would take a whole lotta mama spit to fix that awesome morning do. :D
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