I feel my feminine creative juices wanting to flow. Do I dance? Do I sing? I can't decide. I think I'll write.
I have joined another lovely book club, and we had our first meeting tonight, which I thoroughly enjoyed. The thoughts and feelings shared reminded me of this post I wanted to write, so I thought I'd sit down and pound it out.
As a human being I have always had a temper. A HORRIBLE temper. And it has always brought about so much sadness and shame in my life.
In life sometimes I feel there is very little forgiveness for one with a temper. It is looked upon with so much negativity and sometimes, it seems, a person with a temper is labeled as bad, horrible, unwanted. I have felt so much shame for my ill temper. I have been shamed for my temper, and I have felt so broken because of it.
At times I feel that there are those who make many assumptions about someone with a temper. They want to place labels on one with a temper and say that cannot be a part of society until they fix this problem. But can I just say, "I have worked my whole life to 'fix' this problem, and I don't know that I deserve to be put into a certain category just because I am unable to find a permanent solution."
All through life I was under the impression that I was a ticking time bomb. People had to walk on egg shells around me. I didn't see myself as patient. And when I presented myself to people this was the picture I painted. Later in life I learned that these things were not true. Even if, at one point in time some of these things could be said about how I was acting, I did not have to wear them as if they were all that I am. I was a lot more wonderful things, and I could define myself by those things, and I could exemplify those traits. But, I still had that awful temper.
It always came as a shock. It wasn't how I wanted to live. It wasn't how I wanted to be. I tried counting to ten. I tried saying a prayer. I tried. . .I tried. . .I tried. . .Sometimes I would think I was fine and had avoided losing my patience. And then out of no where my ugly temper would show it's face. It was so unexpected that I didn't even have a chance to try and stop it. I've pounded pillows, kicked doors, thrown stuff, deliberately broken dishes. Honestly it seems I am out of control, but I actually am still practicing some control. I try to let out the emotion without hurting or damaging anything, or at least anything important. But there have been come casualties along the way: CD cases, dents in walls, etc. It's not something I am proud. It's not how I want to behave. But honestly there are just moments when I am upset, I want to be upset and I don't care to try and stop it.
I have tried releasing my emotions to Heavenly Father. I have tried grounding, and using essential oils. I have read books. I have contemplated theories. I have tried to learn about anger and the hormones released. I have tried to figure out it's purpose, so perhaps I can respect it for what it is. I have worked so hard to find peace in my life. I meditate and pray daily. And I have found so much peace and balance, and yet still that frustrated little temper exists within me.
Sometimes it feels like a fire burning away all the things that have built up so I can start clean. But sometimes the fire leaves ugly scars and it's hard to pick myself up and restart again.
Am I really a monster? Is this really who I am? How do I escape this? What is the answer?
I don't want to be this. It feels like such a betrayal to who I am and who I want to be. I've practiced not shaming myself. I've worked on changing my thought patterns. I want to set a better example for my children. I want to stop hurting those I love, including myself.
One of my twins came to me the other day. He told me he has such a hard time controlling his anger. I sat down with him, and told him that I did too. We talked about things that might help, and we promised each other we would try our hardest to do better each week.
This little boy has often times come up to me when I was upset, stretched out his shaking arms, took a chance and gave me a hug. So much courage, so much love, so amazing for a my little boy to do this for me. My heart aches each time I see it. I feel so bad that I put him into a position to have to do something that probably scares him so much. The other night when I let myself get too upset at the dogs for peeing on the floor-- it's been a hard week-- he came and took my hand and pulled me away. Where did this child come from? He is one of the first to really help me with my temper, and he is the one that needs help himself. I wish I had someway to help him, but I still struggle with this problem myself.
In past relationships I have tried asking for help when it comes to my temper. But all I seem to remember is feeling shamed and humiliated. This probably was not intentional. The feelings I felt were my choice to feel. One night, while I was having dinner with the guy I'm currently dating, my patience wore thin. I got very upset with one of my kids and lost my temper. What had I done? Not only had I hurt my child's feelings, but I had shown my horrible ugly side to someone who I was hoping wouldn't have to see that part of me. I wanted to crawl out of existence. I was certain he would see me as unfit and throw me away. Instead he gave me a hug. Told me it was alright. He validated me. There was no shame. There was only forgiveness. It was simply amazing. I still felt like a person. I still felt like I had worth. I didn't realize that was possible.
Yesterday was a struggle. I had lost my temper and continued to be agitated. There was a voice in my head that insisted I was worth nothing now. Who would want me for a wife? I was lucky to have found one person who would marry me, did I really think anyone else would be willing? And what about my kids? Is this the kind of mother they deserve? Do I really think I'm fit to be their mom?
I have to work hard at it, but I am starting to realize that just because I have this temper doesn't mean I have to throw myself away. If my kids pick up on these behaviors, well hopefully they pick up on my good ones as well. And hopefully one day I can finally make some peace with this part of me. It's a journey I have been going on my whole life. And I'm still unsure what road I need to take, but I'll keep searching.
Speaking as one who has a temper, it's not always intentional, it's not a desire to hurt and be mean, it's not fair to those around me, it's not fair to me, it's mostly just a struggle.
