There's No Need to Make Me Feel Guilty. . .

. . .I do a good enough job of that myself.

Life has been a little crazy around here lately. Full of uncertainties, instabilities, stress, stress, stress and, the need to finally announce our surprise of a pregnancy to all.

Life hasn't been easy. But, as life goes, there is always someone who is worse off right? Don't get me wrong. It's both humbling, and touching, to hear on the news, or read a story, about someone who overcame an impossible situation with strength, faith and traits that are admirable. Knowing that people have survived the most heart wrenching of situations is always a good reminder to me. It reminds me to be thankful for the challenges that are mine. It reminds me that it's possible for someone to make it through a hard, and desperate, situation and not be known for the failures that brought them there, but for the character shown in overcoming their hardships. But sometimes I wonder when my story will be told with that hint of, "Just be grateful you don't have to deal with what she's going through".

I don't want to be babied. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just don't want people to feel they have to lay on the guilt or teach me a lesson. I personally think its a bad tactic. Stories of the less fortunate should serve as humbling reminders. They should be personal revelations, and each of us should be allowed to interpret them in our own way. When they are used to cake on the guilt I find myself turned off. I get angry and upset. Sure, I understand their point. I know I could have things a lot worse. I try to remind myself of that everyday. But my experiences are my own. I have a right to my feelings, and don't appreciate being told they are wrong. Anyone could find themselves in my situation and discover they feel the exact same way.

I read in a book that God knows us, and knows how we learn. So when he has a lesson he wants us to learn he will teach it to us in a way that will be well received. That is such a comforting thought to me. God will get his message through, and he knows I'll listen if it's presented to me in the right way.

This pregnancy has brought some interesting feelings about. To say it's been a struggle is an understatement. I can't believe the baby lived past the first 12 weeks. Life was so awful then. I felt so torn between emotions. I didn't want to have this child alone, but my marriage lie in uncertainty. I wanted my husband to be with me, but having a child with a man I couldn't trust was heart wrenching. I begged to understand why I was having this baby. Why now? We weren't a family. We needed to learn how to be a husband and wife again. How could we have a child together in the situation we were in? At times I didn't know if the baby had survived. At times I thought it would be better if it didn't. It seemed so unfair to bring another child into our world of uncertainty. The baby did live, and that did make me happy. But it still brought about so many more fears and stresses.

Amongst all of this the "Be Grateful-s" rang through my head, and sometimes out of people's mouths. Be grateful you can have kids. Be grateful that it's healthy. Be grateful that you didn't loose the pregnancy. Be grateful, be grateful, be grateful.

I try hard everyday to be grateful. When they couldn't find the heartbeat I knew there was no good way to give that kind of news to a mother. I had tried to prepare myself because I hadn't been that sick. I even assured the doctors that if they had to deliver that news it was OK. When they did the ultra-sound and showed me the heart beat I was so relieved. They gave me the pictures, and I was just so excited. I wanted to show them to everyone. That was my baby, and it was perfect and wonderful!

But sadly I'm a woman, and I can experience more than one emotion at a time. Along with excitement came the knowledge of the hardships this pregnancy would bring. This is just a really bad time to have a baby. We are poor beyond belief. Our future is still very uncertain at this time. And, even though my husband and I continue to work on our marriage, it is still in a kind of volatile state. I'm so excited for my baby, but I can't just be excited. There are so many things raining down on us right now that the reality of our situation has to be faced.

I've come to be OK with the imperfections of our situation. Though I don't understand how, I know things will be OK. I have realized that I can have this baby with my husband, even if the trust in our marriage is a little unstable right now. I am grateful that I can have children. I'm grateful that I have three beautiful little boys already. And I can't wait to hold this new little bundle of joy. I know I'll be tired. I don't know how I'll survive raising 4 kids under 4. But I'm sure I'll learn that I was capable all along. And I'll come out on the other side having learned something new about myself.

I hear stories all the time of people who have lost children, people who can't have children, people who lost everything in a fire, etc. and I thank God everyday for blessing me with so many wonderful things. I thank him for my beautiful kids, who are happy, healthy and strong. For allowing me to have a decent home to raise them in. That, against all odds, we have managed to still piece together something of a life thanks to friends, family and the church. I always feel so sorry that others must be asked to go through the trials they are given. It seems so unfair. Why them? Why am I allowed to enjoy so many wonderful things when they must be asked to endure so much?



I have a pretty good understanding of what I should be grateful for. I remind myself every night when I put my kids to bed. I feel the guilt every time my little boys bring me a flower after I have yelled at them. I feel it whenever I have spent the whole day trying to clean the house, and telling them to go away, and then realizing I didn't even take a few minutes to enjoy them that day. I'm a mom. I feel guilty and grateful every second of my life. But I also feel a lot of other things and those feelings deserve some validation too.

I love everyday I spend with my family. I love watching my three little boys. Though I didn't always think it felt right to have 3 boys and no girls, I really love it. I love that the twins get to have a little brother. And I love the things they are learning because they have a little brother. It just seems to fit so well into our little family. I have also finally figured out why I so desperately want a girl. And it wasn't the selfish, unappreciative, ungrateful version people tried to tell me it was. It was simply because it was something I had pictured my whole life. Something I had saved all my toys from childhood for. Something I felt was so real, I reserved a room in our house, from the very beginning, for my baby girl. Loosing something like that would be hard for anyone. It didn't mean I didn't want boys. It didn't mean I loved boys less. It just meant I had lost something that had felt incredibly real to me my whole life, and I had to come to terms with that part of it.

As far as this baby goes, we do know the gender. But I have just felt so many uncertainties about the baby, that I almost feel like I don't really know. I've told people what it is, but as time goes on it gets more and more awkward. So I've decided to hold off on announcing it online. The pregnancy has been so different. The way the baby sits and moves seems so strange sometimes. The other night I put my hand my tummy and I could feel it moving. Everything felt so real and defined. I have never felt a baby in my tummy in that much detail before. It's so hard to believe it's just inches from touching my hand. It's right there, responding and moving to my touch. It feels so much more real to me in that way than my other babies, and yet I know so much less about it. I can't decide on a name, colors or clothes. I don't see things in the store that just yell at me that they belong to this baby. It's just so different from my other pregnancies in that way. Anyway. . .tune in around September 16 if you want to find out what we had!

Raising Girls

I'm hoping to put together a scrapbook for a friend. She has three boys and os now having her first girl. So if anyone has some advice for raising girls please share. I wanted to include it in the book. Thanks!

Why God Made Little Boys

God made a world out of His dreams,
Of magic mountains, oceans and streams,
Prairies and plains and wooded land,
Then paused and thought, "I need someone
To stand
On top of the mountains, to conquer the seas,
Explore the plains and climb the trees,
Someone to start out small and grow,
Sturdy, strong like a tree and so,
He created boys, full of spirit and fun,
To explore and conquer, to romp and run,
With dirty faces, banged up chins,
With courageous hearts and boyish grins."
When he had completed the task He'd begun
He surely said, "That's a job well done."
                                                                       -Unknown

Easter

Having just celebrated Easter, I have been trying hard to take some time to contemplate the atonement, crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. It's not always easy to take a few minutes to stop and think when you have three little ones, but I still gave it a go.

I have been wanting to make a post. About what exactly? I don't really know. Counseling, though offering some helpful tools, has kind of led me to be more confused then ever.

People have said nothing but positive things about counseling. That it was affirmation that they weren't crazy, or they learned a lot about themselves. It seems to be just the opposite for me. I think I have an answer or have figured things out but the counselor disagrees or says nothing. I'll go in hopes of getting some validation, but it usually doesn't happen. A lot of times I feel crazier coming out of counseling then when I went in.

I guess I do still learn about myself. Even if the learning comes from a negative experience.

I've been so upset and confused these last few weeks that I asked my husband just to cancel our last two sessions.

Our last session left me so confused and angry I began to feel like I was regressing. I slunk into a negative depression. I became upset with my husband and I just lost the will to fight, or to open up and try anymore. My mom said something that just hurt me to the extreme. And I just didn't know where to turn to for answers.

Now, the counselor doesn't seem to understand me. My parents are sick of me. My husband won't fully open up to me, so I'm tired of opening up to him. And I just didn't want to become a huge bother to my friends.

I had been told that my happiness in this marriage could not be reliant on my husband changing, and the time frame he changes in. I know this. I know happiness, or unhappiness, cannot be reliant on others actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. We can't place that expectation on others. That's just not fair.

It made sense, but at the same time it was the most confusing thing in the world. Happiness for me is sharing myself with people. Giving everything I am to someone. It leaves me incredibly vulnerable, but I just don't know how else to live. How could I be happy if I couldn't trust giving myself fully to the man I love? How could I be expected to want to continue on in this marriage if some changes in our relationship didn't take place? True, he doesn't ask me to give of myself that way, and changes do take time. But am I really to believe that people do not need to be responsible for the hurtful things they have done simply because only we can control how we respond to their actions? Though there is truth to it, it also feels like a huge lie.

I then asked my husband one night, "Do you think this makes sense: You don't have to apologize for the feeling, but you should for the action?"

I think we are all entitled to feel certain ways: angry, sad, irritated, ignored, happy, etc. But maybe it is the lashing out, the acting on those emotions that we need to answer for. Sometimes we have feelings that sort of betray our true selves. But feeling them doesn't mean we loose ourselves. I think the true test comes from the judgement we exercise in deciding what to do with those feelings.

Other things became clearer as life went on. A visit to the temple helped. And talks, in church, on Easter Sunday helped too.

I listened to the story of Christ washing the apostles feet. The realization that he washed the feet of the man he knew would ultimately betray him really hit me. Could I wash the feet of those who have betrayed and hurt me? I know I do not have the perfect understanding of Christ, nor do I truly know people and the intents of their hearts. But even so could I fight through the anger and the hurt to have the forgiveness in my heart that Christ had?

The story of Christ suffering in Gethsemane really struck a chord. I realized that he suffered for the very sin of those who nailed him on the cross and crucified him. A certain humbling came over me. How incredible a feat was that?

I think Christ felt a sorrow as he suffered. I think he felt a sorrow when he asked God, "Forgive them. They know not what they do."

It was then that I realized sorrow could accompany forgiveness. Pain and anger rising up daily didn't have to mean my marriage was over. It didn't have to mean I had failed. Pain is a part of healing. Sorrow could be felt even if I have a perfect understanding and forgiveness in my heart. I can stay in this marriage even if I still feel the pain of what has happened. I have done all I can to sort out my emotions. Now, it will just take time to heal.

The atonement is the most incredible blessing in our lives. And the knowledge that he suffered for me too is a humbling comfort in times like this. There is always a lesson to be learned and a perspective to be seen. I'm so thankful for the blessing of the Easter lesson I received this year.

Dear Mom. . .

Our relationship has come along way. I don't know how it happened, but suddenly you are the person that understands. The person that's easy to talk to. Now I realize you always were. We have shared many similarities in our lives. I always thought you didn't understand me, but sometimes your the only one that does. I guess that's what happens when people are similar.

I'm writing you now because I hurt. I hurt all the time. I laugh, I smile, I go on with life, but the pain still lingers. I've been working on it. I have over come some of it. I've seen my way through it. But healing can be exhausting. Sometimes I just need a sounding board to help me through. This letter isn't addressed to you but it was just easier for me to write it this way.

How do you get through something like this? I just don't know. I learn a little each day. I feel a little hope each day. But then things happen. Strange things come up. Things remind me that I never thought would. Similar stories from co-workers, who don't know my story, make me want to crawl into a corner and cry. Feeling is part of it.

It's part of healing. But everyday is a roller coaster of ups and downs. I'm on top of the hill and there is no getting off. In fact, getting off would cause more pain because wounds that might have a chance to heal could stay opened forever.

I just want to know I'm cherished. I just want to know I'm loved. Am I worth loving? I work so hard everyday to try and be someone who is worth loving. I try to fix the flaws I know make it hard for people to be around me. Things I do that I know aren't right. It can be exhausting. And sometimes I just can't do it anymore. But when I slip, when I let go, how do I know it won't add to a pile of dirty clothes I don't know exists. That it won't fill his heart with anger and resentment that he'll just hold against me. That's the worst part. Not being able to trust in that forgiveness.

It's hard. It's hard to be praised. It's hard to have people say what I'm doing is amazing. I don't feel that way. I see how badly I act. I see the damaging things I do. I want so badly to say I'm not that person. I'm not the person that yells and screams at the top of her lungs. That insults in anger and rage. That can't stop the destructive words from leaving her mouth. I know what I can be. And it doesn't always feel amazing.

Do you remember that day? Do you remember how I called you and Dad? How I couldn't breath? How the words couldn't escape my mouth? I hate that day. I hate to think of it. Some people say I will look back on it as a blessing. I don't know if that's true. I don't know what I would do without that day but I hate the pain that comes from thinking about it. Sometimes I wish it didn't have to exist.

Our family has been through a lot. A lot of dramatic situations have entered our lives throughout the generations. We all carry wisdom that is priceless. Wisdom that sometimes we wish we didn't have. But it is wisdom that has given us character and strength. Look at us. We still smile. We still laugh. Some people would probably ask how. I don't think we know. But I'm glad that I've been blessed with that ability. I'm glad I am your daughter.

Things are a part of my life that I don't want to be. People are there that shouldn't be-- not physically, but in my mind. I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my trial. I can't believe the me that came out of it. Who is that person? I never knew. Who knew I was capable of smiling through such heartache? If I can do that then I know I can get through this pain. But sometimes the pain is just too much to keep contained in my heart. Sometimes I need to write it down. I need to cry about it. I need to see it so I can just work though it.

I love my family. I love my husband. I love my kids. I don't know if I would choose this life twice, but I do know I don't regret it.

I love you mom. Thank you for listening to the hard conversations. For letting me complain about things you may wish you could just stay out of. I know it's hard to be a parent. And I know I haven't made it any easier. But hopefully we both know that from these hard situations we have chosen to become better, not worse.



Pictures by: Tilt Photography

My Potty Training Story

A new trend has begun in my house. Suddenly the twins are obsessed with what is covering their nether regions. There's the obsession with the Mickey Diapers. This started when I had to get them excited about their new diapers because we were out of "Marty" diapers-- they had zebras on them, Marty from Madagascar.

At times this would interfere with our plan to only have them wear disposables at night.

The obsession with the Mickey diaper soon transformed into an obsession of the Mickey underwear.
"Go get some underwear."

"It's not underwear, it's my Mickeys!"

Now the obsession has turned to, "I don't want diaper I want underwears!"

Can't say that I'm too disappointed in that. Except that it's only one of the twins that has taken on this obsession. The other one has become more friendly to the potty-- he realized he could get a treat if he sat on it. But one morning I grabbed the wrong twin to commence in potty training and was met with a huge fit. Needless to say, he's freaked out of the toilet so the older twin is the only one who is potty trained. And I think I can finally safely say, "Potty trained!"

I started when I had a week off from work. I gave him a little treat each time he sat on the toilet. Then when he went on the toilet he got to watch 15 minutes of a movie. We started out with him wearing no bottoms at all, and I'd put diapers on him at nap time and bed time. I was impressed. He even pooped in the toilet. Though he would ask, "Where did the poop go?" after I'd flush it.

 After two days we tried just underwear. No pants. Sometimes we'd go out, and he would have to use pants. He would usually do pretty well. Sometimes he wouldn't go while we were out, but he would pee his pants when we got home. That was frustrating! Moving from nothing to wearing underwear led to a couple accidents. I changed it from sitting on the potty every 15 minutes to every 10. We were beginning to be mildly successful. Then a trip to the doctors led to two accidents, very close together, and a little boy running around McDonalds in a diaper and a shirt.

Pants and underwear seemed not to work so well. And the diapers at nap and bed time seemed to lead to him just waiting until then to go. So we nixed the diapers at nap and bed time. Which led to bed wetting a couple times through the night. The nap was OK, however. Now we have him go to the bathroom before bed, put a pull-up on him and we all sleep peacefully through the night. He even woke up dry once.

We had some issues when he would go with Grandma. I told my mom to just take off his pants and underwear, and he would probably go in the toilet. Now he does great when we visit people. Even if I'm not there. 

I have to admit I was at a loss at times.

He'd have accidents and I would feel like a failure.

He would earn his play place trip for going on the potty, and getting all his stickers, and a few seconds after being there he would pee his pants.

He would ask to go potty, I'd rush to the nearest bathroom, he wouldn't go and then 10 minutes later he would ask again. This pattern would repeat several times until I just wanted to scream-- this only happened when we were out. I was used to kids that when you took them to the bathroom they would go, but not my little guy. He went when he was ready.

Sometimes I would get frustrated and say we were staying in the bathroom until he went. This would lead to an emotional outburst, from him and maybe a little me. These, and others, would make me worry that maybe he wasn't ready, and I had traumatized him by starting him too soon.

But all these problems slowly faded away as time went on.

*To help when we are out we carry around a little plastic toilet with us-- which is our number one toilet choice for the little one right now. This sometimes leads to a game of musical toilets.

Our only problem now is the pooping. He suddenly stopped pooping in the toilet, which is pretty normal. I offer him a diaper to poop in and he just says, "No diaper! I want underwears!"

One time I came downstairs and he had pooped his pants. He had then taken wipes and shoved them down his underwear to clean him self up. He did this when he would poop on the toilet too. I came upstairs to find a poop covered toilet, with a boy using a wad of poop covered wipes, desperately trying to clean up the mess.

"I clean up!" He would say.

It was kind of sweet, and a little disgusting :).

We're still working on the pooping thing.

Our potty training venture has led to the use of a lot of charts and stickers. At first we had a chart where he would get a smiley for sitting on the toilet, and a sticker for going potty. When he got 100 smileys he could pick a treat from the bucket. When he got 25 stickers he could go to the playplace. This has started to get confusing, so we changed it to a smiley for going potty and a sticker for a day of no accidents. Same prizes apply-- though we had to change the treat to a "big treat" because the treat bucket has become a small reward for going on the potty.

We waited till one in the morning one night for him to go to the bathroom before bed-- this was before the pull-ups idea. This was an effort to make it through the night without bed wetting. Well, unfortunately, while we were waiting he drank some of my soda, and wet the bed anyway. His refusal to go before nap and bedtime led to us giving him a treat from the bucket if he did. This led to him wanting a treat every time he went. Which led to the question, "Do you want a treat or a movie?"

 I just go with it. I figure, like the other things, it will eventually fade out. 

Last weekend we were shopping at Ikea and he wanted a train set. The train set was cheap, and I felt like I would just get it for him for doing so well on the potty. But we're poor and can't afford to pay bills, so I felt like I shouldn't spend money on something like that. We made a deal, if he could get really good at potty training-- no accidents, no pooping his pants and waking up dry-- he could earn the train. We made another chart with 100 squares. He gets a sticker each time he does one of the things I mentioned. Sadly, I think he forgot about the train.

When I started potty training I thought, "This will be a step towards things getting a little easier."

Wrong! It's almost easier to leave them in diapers. But it will be easier one day.

I also started out saying, "I won't get upset. I won't yell. I want this to be positive. I don't want it to be traumatizing and awful."

Well, that flew out the window fast. Each accident just made me want to cry. It felt like a missed opportunity for him to really get it.

 I've heard a lot of stories about how children can get really messed up if you approach potty training wrong. It made me nervous. I felt like it was a task I could never accomplish. Having done it feels wonderful! I'm so proud of him! And I'm proud of me too! Every time he goes on the toilet I still have to do a little happy dance!

That's my boy! Note the harness. Santa brought the boys these harness' with straps for when we go out. This is because they refuse to sit in the stroller. I can't say it makes things easier, but after almost loosing one of the twins, I have to say it makes things safer.

A Visit With My Feelings

We have been doing a lot as far as rebuilding a relationship goes. We just had two days-- Our Anniversary and Valentine's Day-- focused on relationships-- one more exclusively based on us-- to sit down and think about how we can make the other feel special. Though I found that as these days drew nearer I kind of had a sour out look on things.



When I heard about young engaged couples, anxiously awaiting their wedding day, I felt no excitement. When I thought about our wedding my feelings were mixed. I didn't want to regret it. As I look at my life there's no one I'd rather be with then my husband, but I would ask myself, "Knowing what you know now, would you go back and tell the you in the past to still get married, or not?"

My answer hurt me.

"I don't know! Is there a part of my marriage that was worth all the pain and hardships? Well, there's my kids, but if I never got married, I would never have had them and I would never know there was something to miss."

I know! It's not the most positive train of thought. And it hurt me that I felt that way because I always thought of myself as someone who knew better than that.

Well maybe I did.

There is the me. The real me. The "Deep down this is who I really am even though sometimes I have emotions that disagree with that me" me. And I think for a brief moment the real me gave in and let the hurt me take over.

In counseling we have been talking about many things. We have talked about how people just want to be understood, even if the problem can't be solved, and this can be achieved through reflective listening-- and exercise where you listen to what the other person says and reflect the statement back to them. We have also talked about exploring your feelings and not ignoring them or trying to lock them away. Something I've always been a true believer in-- it's OK if I feel this way, this emotion doesn't have to be who I am so I can be OK with having it. I guess part of me lost sight of truly exploring every aspect of my feelings, or I was too scared to really look at them.

The counselor has given me some interesting steps into how to better explore these feelings. He said to envision your feeling as a person, and ask it questions like: Why do you feel this way, what to you think will happen and, my personal favorite, what are you afraid of. The tricky part when asking the questions is to really focus on whether the true me is answering of feeling part of me. Once I get down to looking at the feeling, and really seeing it's answers to the questions, I can just let it go. In a sense it's still there, but it doesn't have as much control over me as it did before.

As I did this today I realized more and more that I had done this before. That I did know how to really look at my feelings, I just hadn't lately. And being able to recognize the skill, I had already built, was still there made the exploration of my feelings easier.

I noticed once I found out what the feelings fears were I could just easily get past them. I sort of told myself, "Oh that's it? Well I know that this is the truth, so that doesn't have to be a fear."

I came to a realization. Maybe feelings are like people. They don't want to be solved, they just want to be understood. And once the are understood suddenly you don't have to fight them anymore.

So what my high school grammar teacher said was true, "Talking to yourself doesn't mean your crazy. It's a sign of intelligence." And it's also a way to get centered and focused on the true you. The you that is filled with the spirit. The you that knows what truly brings about happiness.



To my husband:

I love you! And there isn't anyone else I would rather be with. Working through all of this together will give us both a better sense of appreciation for what one is willing to do for the other. And that is how true love is built. Happy 4th Anniversary. I can't believe it's only been 4 years! I feel like I've known you my whole life. We've had a crazy life, but crazy is what makes it ours. I love you!

Love,
Me