A Visit With My Feelings

We have been doing a lot as far as rebuilding a relationship goes. We just had two days-- Our Anniversary and Valentine's Day-- focused on relationships-- one more exclusively based on us-- to sit down and think about how we can make the other feel special. Though I found that as these days drew nearer I kind of had a sour out look on things.



When I heard about young engaged couples, anxiously awaiting their wedding day, I felt no excitement. When I thought about our wedding my feelings were mixed. I didn't want to regret it. As I look at my life there's no one I'd rather be with then my husband, but I would ask myself, "Knowing what you know now, would you go back and tell the you in the past to still get married, or not?"

My answer hurt me.

"I don't know! Is there a part of my marriage that was worth all the pain and hardships? Well, there's my kids, but if I never got married, I would never have had them and I would never know there was something to miss."

I know! It's not the most positive train of thought. And it hurt me that I felt that way because I always thought of myself as someone who knew better than that.

Well maybe I did.

There is the me. The real me. The "Deep down this is who I really am even though sometimes I have emotions that disagree with that me" me. And I think for a brief moment the real me gave in and let the hurt me take over.

In counseling we have been talking about many things. We have talked about how people just want to be understood, even if the problem can't be solved, and this can be achieved through reflective listening-- and exercise where you listen to what the other person says and reflect the statement back to them. We have also talked about exploring your feelings and not ignoring them or trying to lock them away. Something I've always been a true believer in-- it's OK if I feel this way, this emotion doesn't have to be who I am so I can be OK with having it. I guess part of me lost sight of truly exploring every aspect of my feelings, or I was too scared to really look at them.

The counselor has given me some interesting steps into how to better explore these feelings. He said to envision your feeling as a person, and ask it questions like: Why do you feel this way, what to you think will happen and, my personal favorite, what are you afraid of. The tricky part when asking the questions is to really focus on whether the true me is answering of feeling part of me. Once I get down to looking at the feeling, and really seeing it's answers to the questions, I can just let it go. In a sense it's still there, but it doesn't have as much control over me as it did before.

As I did this today I realized more and more that I had done this before. That I did know how to really look at my feelings, I just hadn't lately. And being able to recognize the skill, I had already built, was still there made the exploration of my feelings easier.

I noticed once I found out what the feelings fears were I could just easily get past them. I sort of told myself, "Oh that's it? Well I know that this is the truth, so that doesn't have to be a fear."

I came to a realization. Maybe feelings are like people. They don't want to be solved, they just want to be understood. And once the are understood suddenly you don't have to fight them anymore.

So what my high school grammar teacher said was true, "Talking to yourself doesn't mean your crazy. It's a sign of intelligence." And it's also a way to get centered and focused on the true you. The you that is filled with the spirit. The you that knows what truly brings about happiness.



To my husband:

I love you! And there isn't anyone else I would rather be with. Working through all of this together will give us both a better sense of appreciation for what one is willing to do for the other. And that is how true love is built. Happy 4th Anniversary. I can't believe it's only been 4 years! I feel like I've known you my whole life. We've had a crazy life, but crazy is what makes it ours. I love you!

Love,
Me