Growing up in a Small Family

I've been asked several times how I felt about growing up in a small family, and I have to say, "I loved it!"

My favorite thing about my family is that we have all stayed very close together. We all live close by, and we all attend every little event we have. We're always there for weddings, parties, baby blessings, church talks, etc. We are all very involved in each others lives.

I'm not saying this doesn't happen when you have a big family. Just saying that this is how my family is.

I will admit, that when I was little, I wanted a little sister. But now I know I couldn't have shared my Dad with anyone. I am a huge Daddy's girl, and I love being the only girl in the family for that reason.

I've also found that my family talks a lot. I didn't really notice how much we talk until Craig pointed it out to me.

I'm not sure if this is all because my family has stayed small, but I really have enjoyed being in a small family. I don't feel like I missed out on anything :)

More from the Unconventional mom: Babies are a Cryin, But Momma *Tries* not to Care

Once again I'm a bit unconventional. My boys cries have never broken my heart. Unless I know they are actually hurt or in pain.



For weeks big H went through his stage. He would cry and cry and cry. . .and cry before finally falling asleep for afternoon nap time. And I'd just let him. I'd turn on some fans and put the cooler on high when it would start to get on my nerves, but it never bothered me so much that I had to go in and do something about it.

Now big H goes down peacefully for his naps- for the most part.



Now little H is going through the phase. He usually exemplifies phases -for better or for worse- when compared to his brother. And boy does he exemplify this one. He screams and screams and screams and screams. . .and screams some more. Then you go put the binky in, hoping that he's worn out enough to fall asleep, and he just screams and screams and screams some more.

I don't know if my patience is worn because I've already gone through this phase with his brother, or if little H's determination is too much for me to handle. I find my nerves standing on edge, and I finally go in there and rock the naughty little boy to sleep.

I hope I can survive this so the little H can go down for naps like his brother does now.

An Unconventional Mom on Going Back to Work

I kind of consider myself to be a little bit of an unconventional mom. I mostly figure this because I don't tend to be as self sacrificing as most moms. I've been this way throughout pregnancy- it was really hard for me to sacrifice my physical appearance and well being for those babies. And I'm still that way- I'll be sharing more and more of the ways I find myself to be a little unconventional.

One of the ways I thought I would be an unconventional mom was work. I thought I would love to be a working mom. I thought it would be great because I'd miss my kids and I'd spend more quality time with them. And it does do that. I find myself to be so happy and loving with my babies when I come home. I play with them, laugh with them and just have a wonderful time. But even with that I still find myself wanting to stay home.

Some of the reasons I want to stay home probably fall under the conventional category:

1. There's so much to be done at home. It's already a full time job

2. I don't want to miss the wonderful moments like: first word, first step, etc.

3. If my boys spend 7 hours a day, 4-5 days a week with a sitter then am I really the one raising them?

But some of the reasons are a little unconventional. For example:

1. It's hard- especially with twins- to ask someone to watch them. There are certain things as a mom I'm fine doing like: letting them cry, or sitting through a horrible feeding just to make sure they get the foods they need. But when I'm paying someone five dollars an hour I just can't ask it of them. I don't find myself wanting to stay home because I think they need me, but because I hate to ask someone to take the burden of watching twins upon themselves.

2. Everything just worked so well when I was home. I had a schedule down. I had dishes and laundry down. I don't necessarily enjoy staying home, but it just worked, and now I don't want to have to rearrange and change things.

Even with the above stated, I did return to work this last week. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. I never thought it would be that way. And it's strange because the boys can really drive me crazy day to day, and I get really tired of the routine. These are the reasons I wanted to keep working, but I still find myself not wanting to go to work.

I'm really torn because I don't know if me going to work is necessary. I know we would be along the lines of "OK" with just Craig working, and I would stay on as a sub and pick up shifts here and there (which actually sounds perfect to me), but I still just get this nervous knot in my stomach when I think of calling if quits. That may be partly because I hate being a quitter.

I just can't decide which is a bigger emotion: the one that says,"Just quit! You'll be fine," or the one that says, "Don't be a quitter! You can do this. Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

I guess I should pray about it.

Baby Products

Bath Mat from "The First Years"



You may have noticed this blue mat in some of our bath time photos. This has been the best way I've found to bathe my two little boys, and it was also great during pregnancy.

When the boys were newborns we either bathed them in those little tubs form the hospital, or we just got in the bath with them. But as they have gotten bigger I found that this mat works wonderfully. I just put it in the bottom of the tub, fill the water up so it's just a little below their ears and I can bathe my two little buggers all by myself. Until it's time to get them out. Then it gets a little tricky.

I also used this while I was pregnant. In fact that's why we bought it. I wanted to sit in the shower and put my back up against the rear of the tub. But when I tried to do this I would slide forward, and the back of the tub was always cold. I would use towels, but I got tired of washing them. So we found this mat in Burlington one day, and I found it to be the perfect solution. It holds you in place and has a nice cushion for your back.

I've found out recently when I bathe the boys without this mat they kick each other- sometimes in the head and sometimes below the belt. This usually results in two hysterical babies. The mat seems to prevent this problem.

If you end up getting one of your own make sure you don't put too much water in the tub. This can make things a little inconvenient.



I'm sure you all know about the Bumbo, but I had to write just a little bit about it.

We weren't going to get one because they seemed too expensive, but my mom finally bought us one because our big little boy's head was getting flat. I have to say, "I LOVE it!" Had I known how wonderful it would be to have one I would have paid the money a long time ago.

No Regrets!

I was watching the Mike and Juliet show and one of their guests said something along these lines, People ask me if I have regrets and I tell them, "No." Everything I did helped make me who I am today and I don't regret that.

That's not word for word, but the idea is still there. That just really struck me so I thought I'd share.

I have done things in my past that I wish I could just erase, but those things have also given me an understanding that I may not have if I had not done those things.

I know it's hard to keep in perspective, but your past is your past, and you can't change it. You can only move on and try to improve yourself and enlighten others by sharing what you've learned.

This quote was a good reminder for me. Hope you guys enjoy it too!

Warning: Traveling with Twins may Cause Temporary Insanity

I love my boys more than life itself, but traveling with them causes my maternal instincts to fly out the window- along with my patience.

We took a trip with the boys when they were only a month old. And it was much easier back then than it is now.

We recently went on two trips to visit family.

Our first trip was to Colorado to see my Aunt. This was a couple weekends ago. We were so young and naive back then. We thought they would sleep the whole way, and everything would be happy and pleasant. We realized this would not be so.

We were halfway there when the boys started to cry, and I had to pretend to be a contortionist as I climbed to the back seat. I proceeded to make the boys cereal, but I had forgotten the key ingredient: Apple Juice. I tried just water but my sweet toothed boys would not accept. It only upset them further. We then stopped at a lone gas station and purchased some juice, but it was too late. They were hysterical now, and spit out whatever I put into their mouths.

This story ends with a frustrated mommy throwing a cereal soaked burp rag at the window (I guess at least it wasn't out the window. Except now I have to clean the window).

We finally reached our destination. Time for some rest right? Wrong! We fed the boys and put them to bed, or so we thought. We were up all night, tending to each boy, trying to find ways to make them comfortable.

Things got better as the trip went on. We got more sleep, but sleeping in the same room as your kids does not equal rest for you. Every sound they make puts you on edge in hopes that they won't continue and force you to get out of bed. So even if they sleep peacefully, with little calming sighs here and there, you have a very restless night.

As I said, the rest of the trip was fine. Until the drive home. Mommy had performed her contortionist act so many times she'd completely given up and just stayed in the back. The boys still cried.

I made cereal- with Apple Juice- but that didn't help. So we stopped and got water for the bottles. We fed them and I went in to use the bathroom, and to throw away the liners. Well the bathrooms were locked because they are for "Paying Customers only," and, even though we had bought a water bottle there, I saw no one around that could give me a key. I also saw no garbage can, so- me being upset- just threw the liners on the counter. I've always hated that "Paying Customers only" rule!

Well we continued to drive home, but the boys were still not content. They cried the whole way. Halfway down the canyon, I just started to cry myself out of pure frustration. I cried again when we hit a traffic jam on the freeway. Seriously, the only thing that kept me from getting out of the car and walking was the fact that it was dark outside. Otherwise, I think I would have just done it.

Well I recovered and regathered myself, and we took a trip the next weekend to visit Craig's family. This time we left late at night, so the boys would sleep. It went a lot smoother that way. Even though we were exhausted and, once again, had to face the fact that we would be sharing a room with the boys. And, once again, we would not be getting any rest.

Things went alright until I went shopping, by myself, with the boys (it just doesn't work when you don't have a home to go to). I took the boys to Kohls. My big little boy would not sit in his car seat without crying. So I carried him in one hand and pushed his brother with the other. After looking at the baby clothes I decided to search for some new shirts for myself.

This story ends with a half dressed, frustrated mommy whisper screaming in the dressing room as her big little boy lets out that high pitched, loud, scream cry of his. I was trying to tend to both boys while I got dressed, but not while I tried to keep my cool because I had totally lost it. It was then that I noticed that one of our over-the-shoulder baby carriers was in the basket of the stroller. I put my big little boy in this and he finally fell asleep. Had I seen this carrier in the first place everything could have been prevented. I rushed out of the store, and called my sister-in-law to relieve some stress.

The worst thing about traveling with babies is that, when they start to cry, you can't just shut the door and walk away while you recover your energy- and sanity.

I wish we lived in a more trusting world. If we did, and I ever saw a mom, in the same state that I was in, I would offer to help. I still think I'll try. There's nothing worse that being stuck in that position.

A Quick Note

I just had to post this.

While I was writing my last post my big little boy fell off the couch, again. I ran over to attend to the crying baby and discovered that his PJ's are wet. Of course, they are wet. I had forgotten to change his diaper and is was probably so full it was starting to leak. Well I lay him on the couch, open his PJ's and discover that he has pooped and most of it has ended up in his jammys instead of his diaper. I then promptly take the child to the bathroom and commence in undressing him. I go to take off his diaper and my now hysterical child starts peeing on me. I put him in the tub and while sitting him up, to scrub his back, I bonk his head. After we're all done with washing I take him out of the tub and put a fresh, clean diaper on him. He is still a little fussy, so I hold him while I proofread my last post. That is when my lovely child decides to burp and spit up all over me.



Luckily I hadn't taken my shower yet ;)

P.S. Kohls has summer baby clothes on clearance for 60-80% off.

Ever Get the Feeling That You're Trapped?

I know this may come as a shock to some, but my marriage is far from perfect ;) Yes it's true we fight, and, yes its true, we often fight about the same thing over and over again. And that thing we fight about over and over again is usually communication and the lack thereof. I can't even tell you how many fights have been about this: "I need you to talk to me. I need you to let me know where you are going so I can make a plan."

And yet still the problem arises.

Our most recent one happened just this week, and I was hysterical. There I was about to sit down to dinner with my husband, I thought, and I turn around and he's gone. After waiting only a few minutes I just started to eat alone. Well then the babies start crying. I'm trying to keep things under control, but, lets face it, we spend all day with our children and when our husbands come home we're hoping for a little relief. At least I am. I'm always thinking, "Finally someone to talk to, to help me feed them, and maybe now I won't have to change every poopy diaper."

Well I start to lose it. I feel so unbelievably trapped. I'm stuck here with two babies crying and I'm in no condition to go back and comfort them. I have no idea when I can be relieved, and I have no idea where my husband is. All the while I'm thinking in my head, "We've talked about this so many times, and yet here I am at the beginnings of yet another argument."

And that is when I started feeling a little hurt.

Now in Craig's defense we manage apartments, and he isn't just taking off to go goof around with friends down the way. He is actually doing work, but I just still would like to know where he is going and why.

In the end we resolved everything, and I called my friend the next day and we talked a little. And something wonderful happened. I felt refreshed and happy again.

She told me to set aside one night a week to just go out, baby free and have some "me" time. I'm sitting here thinking, "Of course, why didn't I think of that? I mean here I am just talking to another woman, and I already feel so much better and so much happier."

I then remembered back to when I was pregnant and it was absolutely necessary that I hang out with women at least once a week, or else I would loose my mind.

I don't know why we, as mothers, don't just take that "me" time. I guess we just figure we should love being a mother all the time, so we just stick it out in hopes that we can learn to totally and completely love it.

Well I decided to established a "girls night out" with my mom and sister-in-law. If anyone wants to join us you are more then welcome. I think this will help me love being a mom even more.

Making Baby food

I'm anything but thrifty. I have boxes of hand-me-downs, but I still go out and buy clothes. There's just something so fun about picking out an outfit and then putting it on your baby. It's like playing with dolls but for adults. We have a ton of food stored away, and yet I still go out to eat all the time. By the time five o' clock rolls around I haven't even thought about what to make for dinner. But I really do try to save us money, and one way I try is by making baby food.

It's really quite easy. I mean sometimes convenience requires that you just go out and buy the stuff, but with some planning- and a visit to a case lot sale- you can save a little money.

Some people buy veggies and boil them, but I just buy cans of veggies at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart has sodium free veggies (Western Family may as well). I, however, love my veggies full of salt, and I do not recommend buying sodium free for yourself. *gag* But for babies it works great.

We were using our cuisine-art to blend the veggies, but tonight we tried the blender and it worked fine.

After they are properly blended. We get out the scale and scoop 2 ounces into a bag. After a couple times you can sort of guesstimate the amount.



I date each bag, and then put them all in a bigger bag that has the name of the veggie on it. I also put the date on the big bag. Then I throw them in the freezer.



When I empty a big bag I just cross out the date on it and put it in the cupboard with the baby stuff until Craig and I find the time to puree some more.

Tips:
- The bigger the can the cheaper it is per ounce
- If you're going to do it do a lot at a time, or else it may get tedious
- Don't drain all the juice. It blends better if you leave some in. And when working with yams don't drain any of the juice.
- My boys do not like veggies, and it's sort of my fault since I gave them fruit first. Seriously giving them veggies is the most stressful thing in the world. They cry and spit it everywhere. They do, however like yams, so we have blended yams in with all the other veggies.
- Craig and I didn't wash the blender out when we switched to different veggies. After all there's no reason to worry about passing around peanut contaminants. Its all just veggies.

We haven't done fruit yet because we haven't needed too- we got a whole bunch of fruit on sale before the babies were born. But I'm sure all the same applies.

P.S. Sorry for all the posts. I'm trying to catch everything up. I should have started this a long time ago.

What was once 2 now is 4

It's weird to go to the hospital and have your family double in size.

I was so happy to finally have the boys here. They were nice and healthy, one weighing 5 lbs 6 oz and the other weighing 6 lbs 10 oz.

I had plans for how I was going to handle my first few days with them.

-First I wasn't going to stress about feeding them. I was just going to wait until they were hungry and ready.

-Second: I wasn't going to stress about giving them a pacifier or a bottle. I wasn't big on breast feeding, but I thought I'd at least give it a try. But I didn't want it to become this big stressful thing

-Third: I was just going to try and enjoy my time with my babies.

I stuck to these for the most part. I tried breast feeding, and the boys took to it really well. The nurses at this hospital weren't pushy about breast feeding at all, and I really appreciated that.

I tried to be calm and relaxed about feedings, but that flew out the window when one of my boys got low blood sugar and was put in the level 2 NICU. We then followed a strict feeding schedule. I breast fed and then supplemented with formula. They had me report everything to them. And I had to call them in after every feeding so they could test the blood sugar. We got a pretty good schedule down, and I held it together for the first few days.



It was so hard to have a baby in the NICU and it wasn't even that severe of a case. I could go in there and hold him and spend time with him. I can't imagine how it would be if I couldn't. Every night I slept with my one little boy on my chest and we both would fall asleep. That was the best thing in the world, and I wish I could have shared that with my other little boy. We did get some quality time in though.

Towards the end of our stay we had a really awful shift of nurses. There was so much contention, and it made leaving my baby alone in that nursery so much harder. The next morning the Pediatrician told me I wasn't feeding him enough- he was only looking at the time I spent breast feeding and not the amount of formula I was supplementing. I lost it. We had waited all morning for this pediatrician to come in, and then he says that we weren't doing enough. We had worked so hard on making sure that baby was getting as much food as possible. I ended up yelling at him and exclaiming, "I'm sick of this!"

You can't try to plan your labor, or anything after for that matter. You just have to try and take things as they come. I tried to do the best that I could but still got frazzled in the end. I'd still recommend that you try to remain calm and laid back, and just take things as they come. Sometimes you just have to solve the problem at hand instead of fretting over the bigger picture.

Pregnancy, labor and delivery by c-section

Here it is. A picture of my stomach right before I delivered. Its not a pretty sight and I swore no one would even see this, but I'm trying to keep it real.



Let me just say that pregnancy was awful. During my first trimester you would usually find me sitting on the toilet crying. I was sick in the mornings. I was sick in the evenings. Lets face it, I was sick almost all day long. I only threw up once, but that doesn't mean my morning sickness was mild.

Second trimester was wonderful! I felt good. I could sleep. I wasn't tired. Due to not having insurance we didn't find out we were having twins until I was at week 18. And I was happy. Yes happy. I felt good, I wasn't heavy yet and I had two little miracles inside me.

Then came the dreaded third trimester. When you have twins your third trimester starts at about week 20. I lost sight of things a lot. We went in for ultra sounds all the time and what was once the most joyous thing in the world was now just a blob that was making me miserable. I never attached to the babies movements. People told me that there was nothing like feeling that life move inside you, but it didn't feel like life moving inside me. It didn't seem like a miracle. It just seemed kind of normal.

I wanted those babies out. I never though of the hardships of having them come early. It never worried me. I just figured they would be OK. I mean they were always OK. I went in for stress tests and ultra sounds all the time, and the babies were always OK.

I pushed through till week 34. I had finally made it to the pregnancy milestone where they would just let me go into labor if it happened. At first I thought, "When I get to week 34 I'm going to ask to be induced."

But I convinced myself to hang in there for another week, and than another, and than another. I had contractions all the time. They would build for 3 hours and than they would stop and I would just cry. I wasn't dilating. I couldn't believe that those contractions weren't even helping me to dilate. They were just making me miserable. I was tired, but I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to be in labor! My husband and I tried all the inducing labor tips. Mostly in hopes that I would at least dilate. The doctors told me they would induce me if I made it to week 38, but at week 36 I finally asked if I could be induced. I know I only had 2 more weeks to go, but when you're pregnant 1 week is an eternity and 2 is unbearable. When I went to the doctor to ask, I ended up getting tested for Pre-eclampsia. They induced me later that week.

I was in labor for 16 hours, and I was actually fine. I had the epideral, and I was just calm and relaxed. I was there and it was going to happen, so I didn't care. Around 6:45 on the morning of March 25 they decided to send me in for a c-section because my temp was up and the babies were under stress. I was scared to be going in for surgery, but to be honest it didn't bother me. It was kind of what I wanted. The worst part of it is that you're just lying on this table, half naked and it's cold. It is so cold.

They pulled the babies out and I heard them cry and I just started to cry. They were there, they were real, and I knew them even though I had never met them.

I think my recovery is probably the best case scenario. It went very smoothly. I have no complaints about labor and delivery. And those first few days with my boys were wonderful.

New Blogging Venture

While sitting at home with my two boys today I got to thinking that maybe blogging my thoughts on raising twins could become useful to some people. I heard of a woman who blogged about her postpartum depression, and a lot of people commented on how it helped them. I like to be real. I don't like to cover up and pretend everything is under control. I constantly shout out, "I'm weak, and I can't do this!" I do this because I find comfort when those that I respect and look up to can do the same. When they can tell me they've been through it too and its OK to feel that way.

We all know what we should be, we all know how we should act and we all usually know what the answer is to a problem. But when it gets down to the nitty gritty we give in to frustration, we explode and using those tools, that we know we have, becomes out of the question. If you're like me you may feel as though you have failed some how, like you couldn't pass the bar and like you aren't qualified to do these hard things that life throws at you. The truth is life is hard, and we're all just scraping along doing the best that we can.

I wanted to start this blog so that I don't give people a false impression of how my life is. Raising twins is hard, and I don't handle it gracefully most the time. I hope you can take some comfort in reading this. All we can do is try our hardest. Sometimes we reach the end of our rope, and that's OK. We can pick it up and start climbing again.