An Unconventional Mom on Going Back to Work

I kind of consider myself to be a little bit of an unconventional mom. I mostly figure this because I don't tend to be as self sacrificing as most moms. I've been this way throughout pregnancy- it was really hard for me to sacrifice my physical appearance and well being for those babies. And I'm still that way- I'll be sharing more and more of the ways I find myself to be a little unconventional.

One of the ways I thought I would be an unconventional mom was work. I thought I would love to be a working mom. I thought it would be great because I'd miss my kids and I'd spend more quality time with them. And it does do that. I find myself to be so happy and loving with my babies when I come home. I play with them, laugh with them and just have a wonderful time. But even with that I still find myself wanting to stay home.

Some of the reasons I want to stay home probably fall under the conventional category:

1. There's so much to be done at home. It's already a full time job

2. I don't want to miss the wonderful moments like: first word, first step, etc.

3. If my boys spend 7 hours a day, 4-5 days a week with a sitter then am I really the one raising them?

But some of the reasons are a little unconventional. For example:

1. It's hard- especially with twins- to ask someone to watch them. There are certain things as a mom I'm fine doing like: letting them cry, or sitting through a horrible feeding just to make sure they get the foods they need. But when I'm paying someone five dollars an hour I just can't ask it of them. I don't find myself wanting to stay home because I think they need me, but because I hate to ask someone to take the burden of watching twins upon themselves.

2. Everything just worked so well when I was home. I had a schedule down. I had dishes and laundry down. I don't necessarily enjoy staying home, but it just worked, and now I don't want to have to rearrange and change things.

Even with the above stated, I did return to work this last week. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. I never thought it would be that way. And it's strange because the boys can really drive me crazy day to day, and I get really tired of the routine. These are the reasons I wanted to keep working, but I still find myself not wanting to go to work.

I'm really torn because I don't know if me going to work is necessary. I know we would be along the lines of "OK" with just Craig working, and I would stay on as a sub and pick up shifts here and there (which actually sounds perfect to me), but I still just get this nervous knot in my stomach when I think of calling if quits. That may be partly because I hate being a quitter.

I just can't decide which is a bigger emotion: the one that says,"Just quit! You'll be fine," or the one that says, "Don't be a quitter! You can do this. Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

I guess I should pray about it.