The Unconventional Mom on Breastfeeding

OK, I know this is a very sensitive, political, controversial, up for opinions subject. But even so I've decided to try and write a post about it. But first I have to say a few thing:

-I am in no way trying to offend anyone. I have thought long and hard about how I can approach this without causing offense, and I hope I have found a way to do so.

-I am also not trying to say, "You should Breastfeed!" or "You should use formula!" I'm trying to say, "This is what worked for me and this is why."

That said, on with the post * * *

When it comes to tough pregnancy decisions for me attitude and personality seemed to be the icing on the cake. I'd research, I'd ask around, I'd try to find out all that I could, but in the end my husband and I would make a decision that we felt would work best for us, our family and our lifestyles.

Basically if I wanted something to work I'd make it work. For example:

I wanted a c-section. A vaginal birth is the easiest to recover from, but to me a c-section recovery didn't seem that much worse. I decided to ask around and do some research. I asked friends and family. I read books. I asked my doctor. I decided to at least try to deliver vaginally, but I still really just wanted a c-section. I had a c-section and I loved it!

Why? I'm sure a lot had to do with the talent of the doctor and the staff. The pain pills helped too. But I also enjoyed it a lot because of my attitude towards it. I never thought it sounded that bad, and so to me it wasn't ever that bad.

Now someone who thinks a c-section sounds just awful might take those things, that I said weren't that bad, and say they were part of what made a c-section so hard.

Not saying one is right and one is wrong. Just saying that different people like different things, and different things work better for different people.

Now I feel like this applies to breastfeeding as well.

There are women who have always wanted to breastfeed. They decided it was something that they really wanted to do. They want their babies to have the absolute best, and as we know breastfeeding is the absolute best. Not only that, they also probably feel that it will work best for them and their lifestyle.

And so they breastfeed. They work through the hard parts because to them it's worth it. It's what they have always wanted, and they know it's what they want for their baby. They make it work, and in the end they love it. To them it works wonderfully with their schedule, their life and their goals. And I have to say these woman have my respect and admiration! They did something hard that I couldn't do.

Here is how breastfeeding panned out for me.

First let me just say that I never really liked the idea of breastfeeding. Even when I was young. I don't think breastfeeding is bad or wrong. I just don't feel like it works for me and my personality. My friend had me slightly convinced when she told me that it helps you loose weight, but I still wasn't completely sold. As I got older I started to lean back towards using formula. I knew how to loose weight. I've been dieting most of my life. But breastfeeding takes a toll on your body that I didn't know how to fix.

When I got pregnant the battle raged on, "Should I just breastfeed? Everyone says that they love it and I probably would too. Plus it saves money. But I still just don't feel comfortable with the idea."

I read in all my pregnancy books and, of course, they all tell you to breastfeed. Most of them say to at least breastfeed for the first two weeks. So I thought, "OK then I'll breastfeed for the first two weeks and see if I like it."

Some people thought that was a lot of work to go through for just two weeks, but I was comfortable with that decision.

The boys were born, and I was still a little uncertain about what I wanted to do.

(One decision maker was when one of the nurses said, "You need to decide because you need to start pumping so you have enough milk for those boys!" Bah! I wish they would just let you do your own thing. They have to be so in your face. I'm the mom. I'll make sure the baby gets fed whether it be with formula or breast milk. And if I don't have enough breast milk then I will make some formula.)

Well I tried to breastfeed and it turned out that the boys were wonderful eaters. They latched right on, so I decided to try and take breastfeeding more seriously. I pumped. I latched them on. I supplemented with formula. But then my little boy ended up in the level 2 NICU because of low blood sugar. I decided just to give him formula because I wasn't sure if I had any milk yet(the boys had latched on, but it didn't seem like anything was coming out) and I didn't want him using up energy to eat if he wasn't going to get anything. When I did start to get a little milk from pumping I'd take it in for him to eat. Later I started to latch him on, and the breast milk really seem to help him a lot.

That was when I decided I'd just breastfeed. I actually really enjoyed it while I was in the hospital. I was excited about loosing all that weight and saving money.. .but then I got home.

Of course it was enjoyable at the hospital. I didn't have to cook meals, clean and take care of a house. Soon breastfeeding got so tedious. It took so long with two, and I never knew if they got enough to eat. If I cut them off they would cry. If I let them eat until they just stopped on their own they would projectile vomit it all up.

I tried to hang in their. I thought, "What if we need to save money later on? I'd better just hang on to my milk. Everyone says they have a hard time, but they end up really loving it. Maybe if I just get through the newborn stage I'll enjoy it more."

One night, after Craig had gone to work, I fed the boys and then decided to clean up the house. After a little tidying up I took the boys back to the bedroom, so we could all catch some "Z's" before the next feeding. Right as I put the boys into bed they started to cry.

They were hungry?!?! But I swear I had just finished feeding them!

I went from happy to hysterical in 0.5 seconds. I was crying. I was so sick of breastfeeding and latching them on and making sure they got enough food at each feeding. I was sick of how long it took. I just wanted to give them bottles. But if I just gave them bottles, even if the bottles had breast milk, the boys would become lazy and wouldn't want to latch onto me anymore.

I called Craig crying. I told him I didn't know what do it. My boys were in their crying. They wanted me. They wanted breast milk. I knew they liked it the best. But I couldn't do it, and it broke my heart. I was so torn. What should I do?

That night I decided I'd just pump and give them bottles. I'd latch them on every now and again. Since they were such wonderful eaters they always latched on like pros.

But soon pumping became tedious. And I slowly started to pump less and less. And, soon after I returned to work, my milk supply slowly diminished. I had made it to two months, and I was done.

Was I sad to be done?

At first, yes I was.

Do I regret stopping?

No, I don't.

This was a very long winded story, but my main point was this. I was never going to like breastfeeding. The idea just never seemed to work for me. I tried, but, lets face it, I never wanted to like it or do it.

Those things, that may not seem so bad to mothers who always knew they wanted to breastfeed, were just further proof to me of why I didn't want to do it.

I made a decision that I felt worked best for me and my babies. My cousin told me, "Do whatever you need to do to enjoy your baby." And that's what I did. I didn't want to loose this time with them. I wanted to enjoy every second I could. I didn't want to spend the first 6 months to a year full of anger and disdain. I wanted to try and make things as easy as they possibly could be, and for me formula was the easiest way to feed them.

Here are a few reasons Why I use formula (These are all personal preference):

- The difference between breastfed babies and formula fed isn't so incredibly great that I thought breastfeeding had to be an absolute. I mean when you walk down the street you can't just point out those people who were fed formula when they babies.

- I'm kind of hyper and I didn't like to just sit. Some people enjoy the excuse to just sit and not do anything, but it drove me crazy. I just sat and thought about all the stuff I had to do, and I would get so anxious.

- I enjoy that I don't have to be the one that feeds them. I can hand them off to my husband or a family member. When I was breastfeeding I'd miss a feeding and just have someone give them formula, but then I would be in so much pain! Missing feedings never seemed to work well for me.

- I like the certainty of formula. I'd give them so many ounces a feeding, and if they got hungry sooner then normal I'd just add an ounce or two. To me that was easy to figure out and work with.

- I know this stage soon ends, but I'm a very private person and I was tired of playing with blankets. I'd be somewhere with people so I'd throw a blanket over me. I'd then get all adjusted and slip the blanket over my head and latch the baby on. After ten minutes they'd come off, and I'd have to throw the blanket back over my head and latch them on again. I know some women can just whip it out and they don't give a second thought to if they are showing or if someone sees. But I am not one of those woman. I don't like to be naked when I'm alone. And I most certainly don't like to be naked in front of people.

Another reason I wanted to write this post is for all those women who may be thinking of using formula. Lets face it, it's easy to find people who will agree with your decision to breastfeed. It's not easy to find people who will understand why you would want to use formula. I've been in certain circles where people got so defensive when I told them I wanted to use formula you would have thought that I was talking about feeding their baby and not my own.

So if there are those of you out there that want to use formula here are just a few things I've learned.

- If you are going out somewhere take a water bottle. Not one that's been in the fridge but one that is room temperature. The temp should be just right and you won't have to worry about being stuck somewhere without water to put in the bottle.

- I'm sure everyone knows this. I like to pre-measure. I get a bottle out, put the scoops in and then I just have to add water. I'm sure you have also seen the containers that have dividers. I always keep two of those on hand and I try to always make sure they are full.

- Always take food with you. Even if you think you'll be back before the next feeding.

- Even though the package says to discard any unused formula you can refrigerate it and use it later. I'm sure most of you know this too. I try to use it within 24 hours, and I try to get the bottle in the fridge within an hour after a feeding. Sometimes, when I'm away from home, I'll leave them out for longer. As long as it stays with me and at a reasonable temp I'm fine using it again. I've even popped it back in there mouth if they start crying. Using formula this way has never made my boys noticeably sick or ill.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post. It really was not my intent. I just wanted to share my experience with everyone, and hopeful I did it in a semi tactful way ;)