WHY?

Why can't I be the type of mother who snuggles her kids when they wake up crying in the middle of the night?

Instead I get frustrated and angry and demand that they go to sleep.

Yes, the other night I lost my temper when my children woke up several times during their nap, and again during the night. I was so upset with them, and at such a loss of what to do, I finally brought them upstairs into my bed where they finally drifted off to sleep. This, however, is a habit I don't want to start.

As a mother I'm a little rough around the edges. I don't like to let my children demand of me. But by doing so I sometimes forget that I need to be soft, caring and safe.

I've decided I need to try to be a little less selfish. You know how they say, "To make a marriage work both spouses must be selfless." I'm applying that to motherhood too. I don't plan on letting my children walk all over me, but I just need to think a little less of my needs and little bit more of theirs. I think it will bring a little more peace into our home.

Be on Your Best Behavior!

I have to admit I have not been on my best behavior lately. We finally got over the mountain of the baby's indigestion issues- gas drops and heart burn medicine seem to be working well- but then he started having bad days again. This did not make me too happy. I feel bad because he doesn't feel good. And then I feel bad for loosing my temper with him. I know he's not trying to make me angry but sometimes he hits this nerve just right and all my patience flies out the window.

Two days ago was a terrible day. He cried when I burped him, he cried when I fed him and he cried pretty much all through out the day. I know it's ridiculous to yell at a newborn, but sometimes I feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! " OK so maybe I don't always just feel like it I actually do it. I don't think I'm actually yelling at him. I think I'm just trying to find an outlet for all the emotions that are knotting up in my stomach. But that's not what I feel terrible about. The worst thing that happened was when I went to pick him up to burp him. I had to stop myself. If I picked him up I felt like, at that moment, I might hurt him. I've never been that angry before. I've been on the brink of being that angry. I've been scared of getting that angry, but I've never actually been that angry. I guess at least I was smart enough to stop myself.



So, evidently, I've been fighting a kidney infection for all week. This has caused me to be in a lot of pain, so much pain I wanted to just cry sometimes. Then to accompany that pain there are severe chills and shakes. I could hardly function when those came on. Then to top it all off I get a fever and night sweats. Those leave me soaked in the morning. Being sick definitely means that I can't give 100% to my kids, but I don't want it to be an excuse. I need to learn to just walk outside and take a break. Leave the crying baby in the crib and just take a break. I did it once and it actually felt really good. I felt really in control of myself, which is what I want to be.

I finally went to the Doctor to get treated for the infection- I thought I just hurt because my hips were out of place or something. Who knew my pain could actually be treated? The baby is doing much better now. We found a better way to give him his heartburn meds and that really seemed to help.

Having three kids is hard. I've heard that the third is always a real eye opener. It's so hard that when any of us aren't feeling good I get this horrible despairing feeling. I can barely handle the kids when we are healthy and happy. Just the mere though of having to handle something else on top of that just makes me want to cry.



On a different note, my husband has been hired at a care center. Of course this means that he has to be gone for over 12 hours a day, 4 days a week which will be difficult. I want to be very supportive so if anyone can lend a hand I'd greatly appreciate it. I did survive my first day without him though. And it was while I was sick. Of course, this morning I couldn't find the strength to do it again, but I didn't want him to have to miss work. Maybe if he just stayed home from school I'd be fine. His boss ended up letting him have the day off, which I am very grateful for!

Family Pictures

I love capturing memories, but why does it have to be so hard. My husband and I arranged a family photo shoot for my side of the family a couple of weeks ago. We got some beautiful pictures, but boy was I a monster all morning. I was yelling at my kids and getting frustrated with the baby- and everything else. My stupid hair wouldn't curl, and I couldn't find anything to wear. Then to top it all off one of the twins sweaters had a spot on it- he just wore it anyway.

So crazy is our lives before pictures that I wonder if it's worth it. I hope future generations can appreciate what I went through so they could enjoy one more photo ;)

P.S. My husband did a great job as our photographer that day!

1 month!

Yes it's been a month already since we welcomed our third son into the world- it's a little over a month now. And it was a rough month at that.

The first week was calm and easy. With the twins staying at Grandma's one baby didn't seem hard at all, and we hadn't noticed his sensitivity to formula yet.



The second week got a little rough. We started to notice he had gas and switched him to a formula for fussiness and gas. We didn't realize how well it was working until we switched him back to regular formula.

As the third week rolled around he seemed to be fussy all the time. He'd only sleep for an hour. You had to sit and rock him and hold his binkie in, and he was starting to throw up all over.



As we ended the fourth week life seemed better. But then again my husband had just spent a week home. As soon as he left the baby got fussy, the boys made messes and I couldn't get a minute just to put a load of laundry in.

Now we're here. You know how they talk about the calm after the storm? I guess that's what this is, and I'm so glad it finally came. Sometimes I break down, freak out, loose my temper and go crazy for a day. But then after that I seem happy and fine. Well instead of my break downs and freak outs only lasting a day they seemed to last a month. Every once and while I'd get an hour of calm after the storm, but it wouldn't last for long. But for the last two days I feel content, happy and a little relaxed again.



The baby gets more beautiful everyday- that probably sounds like a weird way to describe a boy, but he really is a pretty baby and he's just so nice to look at. He is definitely my husbands baby. My husband adores him, and I can tell they have a special bond.

The twins didn't make this month very easy either. They seemed to be very winy and they were always getting into things they weren't supposed to. They'd sleep in their beds really well one night and then the next night they'd keep getting up to play with toys. They were starting to really frustrate their mother with their crying and their messes. But now they seem to be happier too. And they are actually starting to play with one another, and show affection towards each other- as opposed to hitting and biting each other. From 12 months to 18 months has been the hardest with twins so far- at least for me- but now it looks like it will start getting better.

I have to say having two baby's the same age is definitely easier then having two babies very close in age. So all you ladies with Irish twins, my hat goes off to you ;)

Yeast Can be Such a Headache

It all started when the baby got thrush. We took him to the doctor and got some medicine.



Next thing I know I have a yeast infection.

Then the boys get unusually bad diaper rash's. We try everything to clear them up, but my little boy's just gets worse and worse. Soon the sores start bleeding and every diaper change is a poopy bloody mess. We took him to the doctor and he got some medicine.

Things just haven't gone well since then.


I mentioned my big boy threw up in the car on a family outing. Well we thought it was from getting car sick, but then he threw up twice that night. Then a few nights later his brother got sick and threw up all night long- sadly it was at grandma and grandpa's too. He threw up for half the next day too.



The twins stayed with my parents while we took the baby in for his circumcision. We tried giving him soy formula and he spit up twice that morning and once while we were waiting to see the doctor. We tell the doctor about our colicky, gassy baby and he recommends a formula called Nutrimigen. It is super expensive, but it has been working really well. Even though we buy the new formula the baby continue to spit up on everything. Blanket after blanket, sheets after sheets. We went through all of our sets of sheets, and both quilts for our bed. The laundry just kept piling up.

Here's the part where it gets confusing. Why did the twins both throw up? Did they have a virus? Their poop wasn't green and they never had a fever. Is it because of teeth? They are getting a couple in- and I'm hoping that is why they are so winy and unpleasant this week. Or could it have something to do with the 3 different yeast infections we all got?

Then there's the baby. First I thought he was grumpy because of the thrush. Then he continued to be fussy so we played the formula game. On regular formula he seemed to have bowel movements all the time, he'd never spit up and he'd have gas. On the sensitive he only poops once a day, but he passes the gas. Then we switched him to the soy. This time he pooped once a day, passed the gas and started to spit up all the time- but his brothers got sick and threw up around this time too, so did they all just have a virus? We put the baby on Nutrimigen and he still spits up a little, he still only poops once a day and he is passing the gas. Is it better to have him pass the gas, or is it better to have him not spit up? He seems to feel better on the Nutrimigen so I guess spitting up trumps having gas.

Was it the yeast that caused this downfall of not feeling good? Or is this the new standard for my children?