Be on Your Best Behavior!

I have to admit I have not been on my best behavior lately. We finally got over the mountain of the baby's indigestion issues- gas drops and heart burn medicine seem to be working well- but then he started having bad days again. This did not make me too happy. I feel bad because he doesn't feel good. And then I feel bad for loosing my temper with him. I know he's not trying to make me angry but sometimes he hits this nerve just right and all my patience flies out the window.

Two days ago was a terrible day. He cried when I burped him, he cried when I fed him and he cried pretty much all through out the day. I know it's ridiculous to yell at a newborn, but sometimes I feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! " OK so maybe I don't always just feel like it I actually do it. I don't think I'm actually yelling at him. I think I'm just trying to find an outlet for all the emotions that are knotting up in my stomach. But that's not what I feel terrible about. The worst thing that happened was when I went to pick him up to burp him. I had to stop myself. If I picked him up I felt like, at that moment, I might hurt him. I've never been that angry before. I've been on the brink of being that angry. I've been scared of getting that angry, but I've never actually been that angry. I guess at least I was smart enough to stop myself.



So, evidently, I've been fighting a kidney infection for all week. This has caused me to be in a lot of pain, so much pain I wanted to just cry sometimes. Then to accompany that pain there are severe chills and shakes. I could hardly function when those came on. Then to top it all off I get a fever and night sweats. Those leave me soaked in the morning. Being sick definitely means that I can't give 100% to my kids, but I don't want it to be an excuse. I need to learn to just walk outside and take a break. Leave the crying baby in the crib and just take a break. I did it once and it actually felt really good. I felt really in control of myself, which is what I want to be.

I finally went to the Doctor to get treated for the infection- I thought I just hurt because my hips were out of place or something. Who knew my pain could actually be treated? The baby is doing much better now. We found a better way to give him his heartburn meds and that really seemed to help.

Having three kids is hard. I've heard that the third is always a real eye opener. It's so hard that when any of us aren't feeling good I get this horrible despairing feeling. I can barely handle the kids when we are healthy and happy. Just the mere though of having to handle something else on top of that just makes me want to cry.



On a different note, my husband has been hired at a care center. Of course this means that he has to be gone for over 12 hours a day, 4 days a week which will be difficult. I want to be very supportive so if anyone can lend a hand I'd greatly appreciate it. I did survive my first day without him though. And it was while I was sick. Of course, this morning I couldn't find the strength to do it again, but I didn't want him to have to miss work. Maybe if he just stayed home from school I'd be fine. His boss ended up letting him have the day off, which I am very grateful for!