The Marathon is Over

Ever since I got pregnant with my third I have felt like I've been running a never ending marathon. Completely exhausted and stretched to my limits, I constantly felt, "Will I ever catch a break?"

Life seemed to throw never ending trials our way. There was no stability in life. I lost my temper everyday, which, even though I have a hot temper, is kind of unusual. I can usually keep it cool for at least a month.

The trials we were sent seemed to say that what I felt was normal. That having three kids under three, a husband working and in school and not enough money to cover basic expenses was enough to explain this endless race I was in. But even so I'd sometimes look at things and think, "Should it really feel this exhausting all the time?"

Little did I know what underlying problems existed in my life. Problems that kept happiness from being a part of our everyday life. Well now the problems are found, the marathon is over and hear come the aches and pains.

Everyday my heart weighs heavy with a pain. A pain that only time can heal. I have gotten progressively better, but the pain still exists. I have gotten past the anger, for the most part, but still the pain remains. So tiring is this burden that at times I still wish I could just leave this life and move on to the next. Thoughts that don't come often, but sometimes manage to creep their way in.

As my husband and I work together to build our relationship back up, my faith is slowly restored, my trust begins to return and my hope that I have made the right decision is renewed. Visits with The Bishop, The Stake President and with our counselor have all helped us to take a step towards being healed. Slowly the pain lessens. But it may be something that always exists.

We have been truly blessed in our time of need. Our ward is amazing, and the church has helped us in so many ways. I am just so grateful that I have it in my life.

I have come through a trial I never thought I'd have to bear. It has caused hardship, and heartaches, that I didn't think I was capable of enduring. Once again the Lord has found a way to show me how strong I really am. Sometimes I look at my life and think, "Is this life really mine? Are these really the trials I'm asked to face? Must this be the life I'm asked to live?"

Even so, I think the reward for these trials will be much sweeter than had they not come. They themselves are blessings in disguise that showed me that the life I was living didn't have to be acceptable. And for that I am grateful.