As of late I have been returning to the work scene. This time I am trying to change my mind set. Instead of just working to get us back on our feet I have been perusing long term employment, with stable companies that I will enjoy working for and that offer room for advancement. I have attained employment as a housekeeper at a local resort, called Sundance, and I kind of love it! I also have plans to return to school in January. Yay for unbelievable stress and hardship! Oh well, that's my life, and it's for the greater good.
But anyway back to the working thing. I found returning to work to be much harder than expected. It was just so hard to be out in reality again. I found little reminders, in the oddest places, that sometimes just made me want to kneel down and cry. I couldn't believe how hard it was just to be in a work place. I consider myself a hard worker. I may not have always fully applied myself. But I've worked hard to try and break those habits, and I've worked hard to be as professional as possible. I want to be a good employee who shows talent and the willingness to succeed. I soon realized it wasn't working that was hard. It was existing in the work place that was hard.
I've been pretty much a stay at home mom for 3 years now. I haven't really been challenged to exist outside my home. And with recent events in my life I found it even harder to exist in the outside world. I was used to being "Working Girl Tricia, Pre Marriage". I was used to being "Working Girl Tricia, Post Marriage, Pre Babies, Post Babies, Etc.". But I wasn't used to having to be the Tricia I am now, existing in the work field. It made it hard. I didn't know how to be this person. I didn't know what face to show. I felt like I just couldn't be who I am because I was told I needed to keep things to myself. I was told that would be for the better. Well maybe those people have a point, but at the moment that point seemed to be piercing into my chest making it impossible to breath.
It wasn't long until I began to get to know my co-workers. I began chatting with one girl, and we just both opened up and felt comfortable sharing things with each other. She shared her trials. I shared mine. It's strange how sometimes it's just so easy to be yourself around someone, and how you can just sense it instantly. I thought I'd go home feeling terrible about myself. I thought I'd regret how I acted, or what I said. But I didn't. In fact I felt better. I felt like I was finally free to be Tricia at work. Does that mean I'll share everything with everyone? No. But it just came as such a relief to talk with someone. To not have to keep everything all balled up inside. And it just sort of released me from a prison I had made for myself when it came to returning to work.
Truth be told I'm scared of what lies ahead. I'm scared I won't be able to do this. That I won't be able to attain a career. That I'll fail like I have so many times when it comes to jobs, careers and school. I'm afraid I don't have what it takes. That adds to the pressures already felt in my life. And it makes it even harder to achieve what I need to achieve. I'm afraid people won't take me seriously. And I can really see no reason why they should. But I want to do this. I want to say that I did it. I want to know that my family can afford to pay the bills, and enjoy themselves again. And in order to do that I'm going to have to find a balance between being professional and being myself.
So over sharing may not come highly recommended by some. It may not be highly recommended for some. But for me I highly recommend it. Somehow it just gives me strength.
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