I wanted to write about my thoughts on the blog post that has been going around about having babies in opposite world. I wanted to share thoughts about ideas I had about being true to my true self. I wanted to take a minute to talk about a book I just finished called, "Mother Had a Secret". In fact, I want to just sit down and write a 200 page novel. But I started summer block classes this week, been blessed with many cleaning appointments, have tried to start overdue household projects, bought stuff to reclaim my yard from the weeds and have just slowly sunk more and more behind. I have hardly even seen my kids this week, and I am completely exhausted. And yet still my fingers keep calling me back to the key board so, here I am.
Today I had some thoughts about my Grandfather. Many of you probably don't know much about him, but he was some kind of extraordinary. My family always knew my grandfather's extreme capabilities. He has always spent his time doing every physical activity possible, mostly involving things that had to do with being outdoors: cycling, hiking, water skiing, skiing, swimming, camping, back packing, etc. In his 70's he hiked The Narrows at Zions National Park with my parents. In his 80's he joined a group that was cycling all the way from Highland, UT to Cedar City, UT. They even wrote a newspaper article about it. Someone had finally discovered this incredible man that had been amazing our family for years. My Grandfather continued to impress many more people. He rode back with people half his age, and he would often out ride them. It was while riding his bike that he passed away. They named the hill he died on after him. Apparently it was his favorite place to ride.
As the anniversary of his death draws near I couldn't help but think about him. Not that I really need the excuse, I miss him everyday. But there was just something I wanted to write about him, and I thought I'd take a jab at writing here.
My Grandfather had a very strong personality. This strength could often make him a very hard person to be around. Sometimes this strength caused mistakes to be made. Growing up in his home was not easy. But as hard as my Grandpa was he was honest, loyal, would strive to be the best he could be and, I believe, he was a man of his word.
He often followed rules that some would call frivolous. Rules of etiquette and formality. These rules don't seem to mean much to some, but they mean a lot to me. When my grandfather followed these rules it was out of respect for people and their comfort. It used to bother me that I had to wait for him to seat me at dinner. But now I really appreciate that he followed those rules. To him it meant respect. And even if the respect annoyed me, being respected by someone leaves an impression.
He was always honest. This honesty sometimes made it hard to be around him. But in the end it was the best feature he had. Because no matter how hard he was you always knew where you stood with him. You never had to doubt it. Honesty is hard, but it builds the strongest relationships.
My grandpa was loyal and a man of his word. I think he made a point about keeping promises. Even amongst the mistakes that were made I do believe me grandfather tried hard to keep all promises he made in life.
My grandfather was a lot of things. But mostly I remember the strength. The strength that sometimes made him hard to be around. And that same strength that now makes it hard to be without him.
I didn't realize what a support he was in my life until he died. I didn't know how to face this world without him. His strength gave me strength. I felt safer with him here. He was a true leader. I would have trusted his decisions and followed his commands to the the 'T'. I wouldn't doubt for a second that following him would be the smartest, safest and best thing to do. He gave me so much strength just by being and living. And he left right before the time when I needed him most.
After my grandpa died, after things changed for me, I started to have dreams. Dreams where my grandfather was still dead but we could communicate with him and see him. These dreams would seem so real that I would often wake up and have to deal with the grief of losing my Grandpa all over again. I still am not sure how this world can go on turning without him here.
But the story doesn't end there. My grandfather doesn't have to be gone. He was amazing, loyal, honest, strong, etc. and everything he was is also part of me. I know I'm healthier than I deserve because of his amazing genes. My body is incredibly resilient. I am hyper and obsessive like he was. I have made a point to become honest and make sure I always keep my word. But most importantly, somewhere in there, I know I have his strength. And knowing that who he was makes up part of me helps me to have faith in myself. How can I be scared? How can I worry about whether or not I have what it takes to get through school and raise my kids? I'm Lloyd Guthrie's granddaughter!
My youngest is named after my grandfather. I love naming my kids after people I admire. I feel like it gives them a sense of being. I hope one day my boys will grow up and have a desire to honor those I named them after.
Thank you grandpa for all you did for me. Sorry I didn't realize all that you were to me until it was too late. But thank you for helping me find my strength even now. Till we meet again :)
P.S. If anyone was is interested in following my other adventures in life check out my new blog.
It's supposed to be more just about events in my life not emotions, though they still may show their face :).
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