Surviving Single Mom Status

I can't say that life is the worst. I have seen so many amazing blessings. I have received help in unbelievable ways. I have found a happiness and a joy in being a mother, and person, again. But life is definitely not easy. And maintaining a cool under all the stress. . .haha. . . lets just say that I struggle with that.

For example:

*Getting unreasonably mad when I got my kids nice Halloween costumes but they wore this trick-or-treating

They will do what they want to do right? Well, one of them made a peace sign for the picture so that kind of made up for it.

*Not being quite sure what to when I have spent an hour and 20 min trying to fill out applications just to have my 2 year old turn the computer off when I was on the last page of each application.

• I screamed
• I yelled
• I wanted to hit something
• I called people in hopes that would calm me down

I mean I knew I didn't want to be angry. I knew I didn't want to yell at him. But at the same time the frustration of having just wasted all that time and effort was a really hard one to overcome. Luckily the most tedious application self saved. 

*Chewing out my child for wasting money because he threw out a penny when I told him it wouldn't work in the gumball machine. 

• Money isn't everything, but when you have to sacrifice time away from your kids just to keep a roof over their heads I guess the value of a penny means a lot.

*Getting upset with my 5 year old when he's disappointed with the drawing of Toothless the dragon I did for him.

• I unfortunately acted way immature about this one

Trying to get my house back into some sort of order was taking a lot of energy. I had told the kids if they wanted help with a drawing then they had to help me. Well I guess me using that time to help them, and feeling so unappreciated, sort of got to me. 

*Calling my mom when the 2 year old threw eggs all of the floor. 

• We went from this:
  
• To this:
  

One of the kids had eye surgery and I had an insane week of work. I would go to a cleaning appointment all morning, come home for an hour or so and then go again to my other job. I was out till 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning almost every night. I was exhausted and I had just taken a minute to lay down when he did this. I wasn't sure what to do, so I called my mom. I guess I just needed some empathy. 

*Getting way too upset at the driver who deliberately pulled behind me and turned on their brights because I had my brights on.

• One, or the other, headlight has gone out 3 times in the last 4 months
• I was driving around with my brights on to avoid getting pulled over
• I had learned to just ignore the people flashing me all the time but this person received my wrath
• I was again am playing the "my son had eye surgery that week" card

It was not my proudest moment, but I just get upset sometimes because I don't know that people take into consideration what everyone's story may be. I mean they had no way of knowing I'm a single mom, with 4 kids 5 and under, who was working insane hours, who's son just had surgery and that surgery caused damage to his eye that can't be fixed meaning that we won't be able to restore vision to that eye. And I in turn don't know their story and made my own judgment call. I guess that's the point though. You never know what someone is going through. 

Life is crazy. And in the craziness of trying to support my family, helping my kids learn and grow and taking care of the household, I started to notice what a precious commodity that time and energy can be. And when time and energy are wasted it is the worst feeling in the world. I have cut people and things out of my life that sap energy I just don't have  to give away. I have put off things and lived in a mess because I have been trying to prioritize. I have even gotten upset with my kids several times for wasting both time and energy and told them it is something we need to try and not do. 

Yes life has been crazy and when my counselor asked me, "There's hope of it getting better right?" I just sat their frozen. Was their hope? I didn't know. 

Well, I enjoyed a couple of days off. I got my house back in order-- for the most part. And I started looking at some new job opportunities on line. I have also sought out some advice on some choices about my future, and I think I finally feel that my life could come to a better spot. I hate to count my eggs before they hatch. I definitely hate to do that. But I feel a little more at ease right now. I still seem to be snapping at my kids a lot, but I still think we're on our way to better things. 

And even in the craziness I still feel very happy and content. That doesn't mean there isn't stress, but that stress just doesn't equal unhappiness. 

I think we'll be OK. :)

Here's some pics of some of our fall activities

We had fun making soap together. I highly recommend you check this place out. They just opened a store in Provo, and we have enjoyed our experiences there. 

 We love Star Wars in this household!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Rainbow Dash needed to get dressed up for Thanksgiving too!

Candy necklaces!

Shoes are better when they are mismatched.

Recovering from surgery and enjoying getting pushed around in a stroller. All while their Grandpa fixes my headlight, again, so I don't have to fear anymore altercations with other drivers ;)

First snowfall of the season and first snowman of the season

We love letters!

Happy Birthday to Mom! Nov 6th. One year away form 30. CRAZY!

 I enjoyed a sweet moment when I had one on one time with this little guy on Thanksgiving night. He helped me keep my tradition of playing Yahtzee every Thanksgiving-- a tradition I haven't kept in years. And he watched "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" with me too-- another tradition.

A Different Kind of Hard

When I had endless talks with people about marriage and kids one underlying theme existed, "It's hard!" As I have now taken on these ventures myself I can totally and completely agree that it is indeed HARD. But I am amazed at the type of "hard" it is.

Marriage leaves me floored when I perceive the power of choice. The choice of two people, who have their own agency, to work together practice to achieve a like goal. Honestly it amazes me when I see it. A person has no reason to choose to sacrifice their own needs for the greater good of the relationship except that they make the choice to do so. I don't know if it makes sense. I know I haven't found a good way to describe it. But if two people don't make the choice to live for the relationship, instead of themselves, it doesn't work very well. And it just amazes me when couples do choose to do it because, well, it all completely depends on an individuals choice. Being married does not automatically mean that both parties have to make that choice. Does that make sense? I should also note that this is not necessarily a reference to the actions in my marriage alone, but just a general overview of what I have noticed from observation of marriage in general.

Then there is the hardship of motherhood.

When I had the twins I was told I wouldn't sleep, eat, shower, get dressed, etc. for months. Life would just be crazy caring for these two babies. I was freaked out. I was the youngest in my family. Until recently the idea of children had never really appealed to me. I loved my nephew and I enjoyed kids, but I swore I would never want to be pregnant and, even though deep down I knew I'd probably have kids, years of being in situations where I watched kids on a daily basis kind of turned me away from wanting my own. Thinking I would have no idea what to do, and that I'd be swamped by the hardship of the twins I was a little terrified. Well, turns out I had what it took to be a mom. I had been doing this stuff for years. I had been packing bags and snacks, making sure I was well prepared, changing diapers, etc. You name I had acquired all the basic skills a mom needs to care for a child. This wasn't hard at all.

Of course, I learned my lesson. Baby number 3 very much fit all the stories I had heard from other mom's about hardships. And then baby 4 came. He was 5 moths old before I really felt like I saw him for the wonderful blessing that he was.

I may have been prepared with all the skills a mom needs. But I was not prepared emotionally. With the twins I wanted to have babies till I couldn't have babies anymore. But now having more scares me, and I will try to explain why.

Being a midwife you get to attend lovely classes about what to do if a baby is not breathing. You get to hear stories about times when the baby doesn't making. And the stories don't end here. There are a million tragic stories I have heard about what children go through, and how some die. It is heartbreaking. I look at my own kids, and all of the sudden I feel my vulnerability. I have four babies. Four babies that could get hurt, that will have struggles, that may not outlive me. That's where motherhood gets hard for me. I have survived many emotional hardships, but that is one I don't know if I could get through. This week after one such class I wanted so badly just to have my children near me, so I could feel secure that they were safe. But three went with their Dad. And let me tell you, I have very much contemplated not putting my fourth one down for a nap because I just want him near me right now. Of course his grumpiness changed my mind, but I still am missing him terribly right now. That class really affected me.

The emotional side of motherhood took me by surprise. I had four kids before I realized that the more I had the greater the risk there was of having to loose one of them. And it's not just about loosing them either. Just having to watch them struggle is hard.

One of the twins had a problem with his eye. He's been put under 3 times for this alone: once to figure out what was wrong, once to do the surgery and once more to check and make sure the surgery did what it was supposed to. That was three times I had to let my child go into another room without me. Three times I had to give up control and hand him over to medical professionals, and trust them with his life-- essentially though maybe a little dramatic. Three times someone took something that is beyond precious to me to do something that is simply routine for them. Not to mention he had to go in for a hernia surgery just a few months before these procedures, so really it was four times-- and one of my other kids had to have a hernia surgery a long time ago too, so that makes it 5 times. Believe me it really doesn't get easier. You just get a little more used to it, I guess. Now he needs to go under again sometime soon because of a cataract-- a normal side effect of the surgery. It's hard to send your child away to surgery. It's also hard to know he'll have vision problems his whole life. It doesn't seem like a huge deal, but as someone who has vision problems herself it can be scary. It's scary that I have to have that money in order to be able to see. It's scary to think if my glasses break I may not be able to afford to replace them. And what if there comes a time when glasses and contacts aren't available? Contacts aren't going to last forever. Glasses could break, and I may not be able to run to the store for a new pair. It's a possibility, and it's a scary one. This is why I try to research all the things that help eyes. I use aloe juice for eye drops, and put lemongrass and Frankincense around my eyes everyday. I've used Dr. Christopher's Eye Bright formula, but haven't been able to afford to keep it on hand. And I am also trying to use this stuff on my boy. But Aloe eye drops sting. And if you have ever had to try and hold your 5 year old down, with two other nurses, while they give him eye drops for surgery you know that eye drops that sting are not going to be an easy thing. And the oils can sting too, especially when, no matter what, they seem to rub them in their eyes. Not to mention a 5 year old and glasses do not mix very well. Between new prescriptions, and him loosing them, or breaking them, we have gone through about 3 or 4 pairs of glasses since about December of last year.

I haven't had many major things to deal with. My kids are healthy, and we haven't had a lot of scares. But even what I have had to deal with has affected me. And it scares me to think about how much harder it would be to have to handle the major things. These things won't keep me from having more kids. I really want another baby and I feel I have another baby waiting for me. I can tell you right now I am so excited to meet that baby that nothing will keep me from bringing them into this world when it is time. And I'm sure we, as a family, will have to endure a lot of hardships. That is scary, and it's a kind of hard that I never thought about when I decided to have kids. I don't regret having children. I just hope I can find peace if I even find myself in one of those horrible situations.

Even Superman Misses His Mom

This morning I woke up and got the kids ready for school. We all got off to a good start this morning, and that made me feel good. Then it came time for me to leave for work. I went up to one of the twins and told him to have fun at school and that I had to leave for work. I was totally shocked with what happened. He started to cry. I gave him all the comforting that I could. I told him I would pick him up from the babysitters that night. He nodded and he understood.

I felt so bad. It wasn't something that caused me to slink around depressed all day. I didn't let the guilt and shame seep in. I know there is no way we can have a life where I stay at home. I know that's because of some of the choices I made in the past, but I also know that I am doing the best that I can. So even though my heart broke a little when he cried this morning I didn't let it affect the part of me that feels confident that I am a good mom doing her best.

But I do hate seeing how they are affected by all of this. I know it's hard, but I know that life isn't perfect and childhood can't be full of endless happy moments. They are going to face hardship and they need to learn how to cope with that. I just didn't realize my needing to work had such an affect on him, and that's hard to realize.

I wish I could take that hurt away, but that just isn't possible. For now I just need to remember that I am doing the best that I can. That is all I have to offer so I guess it will just have to do. Even Superman misses his mom, and even a Supermom can't be everything all the time. Hopefully my kids can accept what I can be.

It Just Takes Practice!

It just amazes me. I feel like I get a good handle on things. I feel like I have found peace, and have learned to choose not to get angry. I feel good about how I handle things. I feel good about myself. I'm confident and happy. I feel like I am a well worth someone's time. I feel like I succeed as a person and a mom and that I'm well on my way to putting my life back in order. But then. . .I face a challenge. . .and I fail. I don't know why. I have gotten so good at handling things that I used to not handle well. Why can't I get past this one?

The twins started school, and I was getting rather frustrated with how in the dark I felt. I was trying to keep my patience. Really, I was. But the straw that broke the camels back was when I found out it was early out day, and my kids had been waiting in the office for 30 min. I tried to calm down and not just act. I tried to think things through without just getting upset. I managed to get out of the school without yelling at any school employees, but I did vent my frustrations loudly as I walked my kids out. Sadly it didn't stop there. I let things get to me.

We were late for the first day, and I forgot to comb their hair. 

How did it happen? Why do I do this? Why do I let one little thing destroy all my confidence? Why do I let it bring on such shame? I practice not needing outside validation. I practice thinking things through and letting the anger go. I practice not feeling shame, but forgiving myself and knowing I am still a good person. But this situation always gets to me.

I tried to fix it. I called my mom to get reassurance that I'm not crazy or totally unable to function in society. I kept trying to think it through. I kept trying to find my ground. My kids were so good today. They were really just so sweet. And yet I kept snapping at them. One of the twins kept saying, "You're a good mom. You're a good mom." He was thanking me for something. But instead of feeling joy I started to cry. There I was kneeling on the sidewalk, picking up some bolts and screws that the kids had spilled, when the tears came streaming down my cheeks. I couldn't hold them back. I know that even though I mess up that does not a "bad mom" make, but I felt so ashamed. My kids asked me what was wrong. My four year old brushed the tears off my cheeks and flung his arms around my neck. I couldn't explain what was wrong. It just felt terrible being called a "good mom" when I felt so ashamed of how I had acted.

He took his Spidey Suit to school

Sometimes life makes sense and feels good. Sometimes I am absolutely certain I am a good person, and no one could convince me otherwise. But other times I am filled with so much self doubt. Then everything gets confusing and fuzzy. I can't make sense of anything. Was it really me? Was it all just me? Am I really the one that can't function?

The night didn't go well. It was "back to school" night. My kids were so excited to show me the projects they had worked on to show the parents. I didn't want to be around people, but what could I do? They were proud of what they did at school, and they wanted to show me. So we went.

I tried to get my frustrations under control. But sitting in an assembly room full of people, trying to keep track of my kids, while listening to things that I didn't feel like listening to wasn't exactly my cup of tea. We went to the boys classroom, and their teacher was very gracious and apologetic about all the craziness. And I learned other parents shared the same frustrations too. It all helped, but I still kept getting way too upset with the kids all night. But they were sweet. They apologized for making messes. I apologized for taking out my frustrations on them. We read stories-- they complained the whole time-- and they went to bed.

That "just rolled out of bed" look is in style still right?

 I have a backup comb in my purse, but I needed a little more backup than that.

I can move on from here. I can forgive myself. I can keep trying to find ways to deal with all these situations. I can continue to believe I deserve happiness and peace. One little set back doesn't need to take away from all those times I handled things so well. I can do this! It just takes practice.

What?

It's the night before my twins first day of kindergarten and I am about to loose my mind. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a mom with kids in school. I was ready for this 4 years ago when I was young, energetic and on top of everything. But now? I don't know how to incorporate this into my life.

When did my babies grow up? When did I become a parent with kids going to school? It's just all so crazy. And there seems to be so much to keep track of.

It could be good. It will probably be good. We can do this, and maybe it will help us have more of a schedule again.

I can do this! I can get my kids to school, and I can be one of those responsible mom's who is on top of everything. . .or I can at least act like it. . .or I can just barely squeeze by throwing everything together the night before. Either way it will work.

Not a Lego Mom

First of all, it is way, unbelievably, hard to take selfies with my new phone-- even though the camera flips to forward facing. That is probably a sign that I need to stop with the selfies. However, selfies are becoming essential if I ever wish to be in a photo again, so I'm sure there is no end in sight.

Now on with the post.

Can I just say I have had an interesting time as a mother lately? I have ran around like crazy, doing what I'm not sure. I have cleaning appointments and other jobs, but over all I feel like those don't take up much time. I have also tried to make more of an effort to take the kids places. This adds to the craziness. In these past few weeks we have struggled. I've been called naughty mom, bad mom, mean mom, fat, etc. It's been great. Ok, I have also been told I'm a nice mom, a great mom and that I'm beautiful by these same boys so I guess I can let it go. But I'm somewhat struggling with the boys. I'm trying to establish relationships where we talk, not yell-- or whine-- and where we use words and not just scream or pout. Well each time I get after the kids for something I realize I myself do the same thing. Then I feel at a loss. What a terrible example I am. Why should they behave if I can't behave? I have also realized that I was having issues similar to those described in this article. This has made parenting a very interesting road. One side of me knows I need to teach them and put my foot down. While the other side empathizes and tries to remember how I felt at that age. One great thing about this: I shared this with my mom, and she gave me some support in the area of disciplining. It only took a couple times of her telling me it was OK to just "do this", or just "do that", for me to start feeling more comfortable, and less guilty, with discipline. This leads us down a new road to new adventures.

I started to realize I needed to get my life back in order. Not only did I realize I needed to, but I realized I had the power to. I have tried to practice more consistency in my scheduling, and I'm hoping to continue to have even more. And I am working more with the kids on establishing the rules of the house. Establishing rules has been a terribly frustrating road in our lives, with very little order. Before I had no energy to try and fix it, but I now have found this energy and we are working on squashing these bad habits out of our lives. Take the other night for instance:

The boys wanted to watch a movies from Grandma's house. I said they could watch it, but first they had to put the other movie away. Well the couldn't find the case. But that was just too bad because if they didn't find it they couldn't watch a new movie. We looked all over and finally found it. I had them put the movie away and then put the new movie in. I then told them to put the case somewhere that would make it easy to find so we didn't have to go through that again. 

This felt good. I was so happy with the situation. I felt like I helped teach them how to take care of our stuff instead of yelling at them later for not taking care of it. Of course there is my super independent 4 year old who takes it upon himself to make his own rules. But I'm hoping we can meet in the middle and find a place where he can still feel independent and I can still feel like there is order. . .I'm hoping. . .hoping and praying. . .
Yes, we have been working on establishing more order in a lot of different areas of our lives. This has led me to a new discovery:

I am not a Lego mom.

Ok, so Lego's are great! The kids love playing with them. And they seem to be a very therapeutic toy. They definitely keep their attention. But, dang it! I am so tired of finding those things in every little corner of the house. . .yard. . .car. . .purse. . .dogs mouth. . .EVERYWHERE! It's not that I'm stepping on them, or anything annoying like that, I'm just tired of picking up all those tiny little pieces. I told them if they wanted to play with them they had to find a spot and just sit down and play. Well, they chose my bed. Which meant that I had to pick up a bunch of tiny Lego's before I could go to sleep. And they still ended up scattered everywhere. They then put them on their bed. Heavens, was that mess. So I finally gathered them up. I grabbed a plastic container, put all the Lego's around the house in it and told the boys we were done. They couldn't have Lego's until they learned to take care of them.

OK I know deep down inside that not having any Lego's scattered about the house is a ridiculous request. And I know they are a great toy, and that my kids should be allowed to enjoy them. But there is a part of me that really wishes we could skip the whole Lego thing and just keep them banned F-O-R-E-V-E-R!

Maybe if I was a Lego mom I would endure less insults from my kids. Either way I think it's an important example for me to see exactly how, and where, to draw boundaries. The boys love to play with Lego's. I love to not find them all over the house. Together we can work on establishing boundaries that will make all of us happier. All we need to do is just have a little give and take on both sides. I'm happy to let them keep playing with Lego's as long as they keep showing that they are trying to be responsible with them. Overall setting these boundaries will hopefully help bring us all to a happier and more peaceful place. And overall I am trying to tie this random blog post together and wrap it up nicely. I'm not doing a very good job of that.

Sorry for the weird post. Hope it wasn't too random.

My Favorite Things

Being a mom is a tough job. I don't always handle it well, or do it with the most grace. But amidst all the chaos my heart has swelled with joy as I have watched, and enjoyed, little moments with my kids.

I spent some fun one on one time with my almost 2 year old last week. He smiled, he held my hand, he was just so happy and I was happy too. I enjoyed every second. It was nice having the patience to handle any cries or tantrums that came up because I only had one vying for my attention instead of 4. It was simply wonderful. I was just so in love with my little boy.

I love when my boys tell me about their dreams. I take note of my own dreams, and I like to analyze them and think about what they could mean. So I love when they share their dreams with me. Dreams were meant to be described by children :).

I love when they exercise with me. Even though it means they are staying up late. Sometimes a hint of disappointment washes over me. I just wanted to enjoy this time to myself. But then I remind myself that it's a good opportunity for both of us. We get to spend time together, and they are happy and excited to exercise with mom. If they are so enthusiastic about being like mom, when mom is actually setting a decent example, then why should I put a stop to it? Besides, they are so cute as they go through their routines. Often times they copy me, but they have come up with their own creative exercises as well.

This little guy has been my exercise partner the last few nights. Here he is pretending to fight "bad guys" with his Superman Sword as his exercise.

This time he made his own "finish line" and ran through it over and over again. 

I also love playing in the rain with my boys. There is nothing like a good old summer storm. I love the good ones with the thunder, lightening and the huge down pour in a matter of minutes. How can you resist running around and splashing in those puddles. This picture was from a time when I wasn't home, but we had fun playing in the rain today.

I also love spending Sunday afternoons, sitting outside and watching my boys jump for joy at every humming bird they see. The humming birds have stopped in Utah to fatten up before they finish migrating South. We have definitely noticed the surplus of humming birds at our house. And my boys are sure to shout each time they see one. . .or two. . .or three come to drink out of their feeders.

I often feel inadequate as a parent. I often wonder why I was sent these four sweet spirits. I often feel I'm not capable of taking care of them. But that never takes away from simply enjoying those sweet little moments that these four little boys bring into my life. I hope these are the days they remember. I'm almost certain, when I look back, these memories will be the ones I choose to remember.