Surviving Single Mom Status

I can't say that life is the worst. I have seen so many amazing blessings. I have received help in unbelievable ways. I have found a happiness and a joy in being a mother, and person, again. But life is definitely not easy. And maintaining a cool under all the stress. . .haha. . . lets just say that I struggle with that.

For example:

*Getting unreasonably mad when I got my kids nice Halloween costumes but they wore this trick-or-treating

They will do what they want to do right? Well, one of them made a peace sign for the picture so that kind of made up for it.

*Not being quite sure what to when I have spent an hour and 20 min trying to fill out applications just to have my 2 year old turn the computer off when I was on the last page of each application.

• I screamed
• I yelled
• I wanted to hit something
• I called people in hopes that would calm me down

I mean I knew I didn't want to be angry. I knew I didn't want to yell at him. But at the same time the frustration of having just wasted all that time and effort was a really hard one to overcome. Luckily the most tedious application self saved. 

*Chewing out my child for wasting money because he threw out a penny when I told him it wouldn't work in the gumball machine. 

• Money isn't everything, but when you have to sacrifice time away from your kids just to keep a roof over their heads I guess the value of a penny means a lot.

*Getting upset with my 5 year old when he's disappointed with the drawing of Toothless the dragon I did for him.

• I unfortunately acted way immature about this one

Trying to get my house back into some sort of order was taking a lot of energy. I had told the kids if they wanted help with a drawing then they had to help me. Well I guess me using that time to help them, and feeling so unappreciated, sort of got to me. 

*Calling my mom when the 2 year old threw eggs all of the floor. 

• We went from this:
  
• To this:
  

One of the kids had eye surgery and I had an insane week of work. I would go to a cleaning appointment all morning, come home for an hour or so and then go again to my other job. I was out till 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning almost every night. I was exhausted and I had just taken a minute to lay down when he did this. I wasn't sure what to do, so I called my mom. I guess I just needed some empathy. 

*Getting way too upset at the driver who deliberately pulled behind me and turned on their brights because I had my brights on.

• One, or the other, headlight has gone out 3 times in the last 4 months
• I was driving around with my brights on to avoid getting pulled over
• I had learned to just ignore the people flashing me all the time but this person received my wrath
• I was again am playing the "my son had eye surgery that week" card

It was not my proudest moment, but I just get upset sometimes because I don't know that people take into consideration what everyone's story may be. I mean they had no way of knowing I'm a single mom, with 4 kids 5 and under, who was working insane hours, who's son just had surgery and that surgery caused damage to his eye that can't be fixed meaning that we won't be able to restore vision to that eye. And I in turn don't know their story and made my own judgment call. I guess that's the point though. You never know what someone is going through. 

Life is crazy. And in the craziness of trying to support my family, helping my kids learn and grow and taking care of the household, I started to notice what a precious commodity that time and energy can be. And when time and energy are wasted it is the worst feeling in the world. I have cut people and things out of my life that sap energy I just don't have  to give away. I have put off things and lived in a mess because I have been trying to prioritize. I have even gotten upset with my kids several times for wasting both time and energy and told them it is something we need to try and not do. 

Yes life has been crazy and when my counselor asked me, "There's hope of it getting better right?" I just sat their frozen. Was their hope? I didn't know. 

Well, I enjoyed a couple of days off. I got my house back in order-- for the most part. And I started looking at some new job opportunities on line. I have also sought out some advice on some choices about my future, and I think I finally feel that my life could come to a better spot. I hate to count my eggs before they hatch. I definitely hate to do that. But I feel a little more at ease right now. I still seem to be snapping at my kids a lot, but I still think we're on our way to better things. 

And even in the craziness I still feel very happy and content. That doesn't mean there isn't stress, but that stress just doesn't equal unhappiness. 

I think we'll be OK. :)

Here's some pics of some of our fall activities

We had fun making soap together. I highly recommend you check this place out. They just opened a store in Provo, and we have enjoyed our experiences there. 

 We love Star Wars in this household!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Rainbow Dash needed to get dressed up for Thanksgiving too!

Candy necklaces!

Shoes are better when they are mismatched.

Recovering from surgery and enjoying getting pushed around in a stroller. All while their Grandpa fixes my headlight, again, so I don't have to fear anymore altercations with other drivers ;)

First snowfall of the season and first snowman of the season

We love letters!

Happy Birthday to Mom! Nov 6th. One year away form 30. CRAZY!

 I enjoyed a sweet moment when I had one on one time with this little guy on Thanksgiving night. He helped me keep my tradition of playing Yahtzee every Thanksgiving-- a tradition I haven't kept in years. And he watched "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" with me too-- another tradition.