I promised a friend that I would try to get through my Mother's Day with no depression. So I'm attempting to approach the day as best as I can. I just don't know how to approach. I want to maybe be excited, but I know if that happens I'll probably end up depressed because my expectations were not met. I want to just pretend it's a normal day, and then if something special does happen it's just a little extra surprise. But then I feel like that's not the right approach because I'm supposed to enjoy the day. Ack! How do you approach this day? I like holidays that are centered on people besides me. I can then focus on making the day special and fun for them, and I end up having a lot of fun. So I try to focus my efforts on my mom, which was super easy breezy before I was a mom myself. Now that I'm mom I don't know what to do. Do I put the effort in? Or do I attempt to just relax all day? If I relax all day no one makes dinner for me or my mom, so I might as well plan on making dinner so at least one of us can enjoy having the night kind of sort of off. Needless to say I'm trying to hang in there and I'm hoping tomorrow can be enjoyable even if it's not full of gifts and surprises.
And in an effort to try and find some joy I decided to write a quick note about what I love about my kids.
Starting with the oldest twin:
You have such a tender heart, and you are so emotionally charged.
I know almost exactly how you are feeling because I see myself in you so much.
You try to be the adult, which is really helpful, but you also get kind of bossy.
You then get so tied up in trying to have control over everyone and everything, which leads to you getting upset.
Just like your mom.
I love you're little phrases.
And you interest in learning.
You love science and airplanes, and think that getting to learn about them is a real treat.
I love that you're willing to talk to me, even if you slip in insults as you do.
Seriously, kid I love you and you're big heart!
The younger twin:
You got mom's hot temper, and you get so upset over little things like if you're shoes don't go on right.
It's a long road, but we can slowly learn ways to conquer our tempers together.
You are always the first to come and apologize and I love that.
I often wish I hadn't led you to feel that you owe me an apology, but at the same time I love that you do and I feel that it is such a wonderful trait.
Remember that talk we had after you stepped on the duck. I hated having to watch that duck die. I hated knowing there was nothing I could do. And I hated not knowing how to handle you. I was so upset, and I let you know it. But I felt so bad because I knew I shouldn't be mad at you at a time like that. We sat down and talked and I asked you, "What can we do so this doesn't happen again? We can't change it, but we can learn from it." You then said, "I need to go away." My heart broke, and we talked about it over and over again. I told you, "It was just an accident, and you didn't mean to hurt the duck. But we need to learn from it and know that next time we listen better and try to be more careful." I hope you know the answer is never to go away, but to keep trying because that will be what helps you feel more certain about yourself.
I love you kid!
The three year old:
What can I say about you?
You are friendly, confident, independent and fearless.
These traits can sometimes give me a headache, but often leave me in awe wondering how on Earth I managed to get a kid like you.
You are everything I'm not.
You don't let anything bring you down.
You don't kick and scream and fight when we have to give you medicine or take you to the doctor.
You could confidently put on any piece of clothing-- like a pair of purple pajamas that you love because of the doggy on them-- and wear it with no fear of people making fun of you. All you know is that you love it, you like and that is all that matters. I love the nail polish you picked today, by the way.
You are always the first to ask me what is wrong. And you always bring me something, like a drink or a cheese, when you get something yourself. I think it's super sweet.
You're the tops kid! Don't ever let them bring you down! Love ya!
The 18 month old:
You were such a shock, and a bit of a hardship to bring into the family.
Not because you're you, but because we just weren't ready for another kid.
And I'm still not ready. And you prove that everyday as you sneak out of the house-- luckily your brothers are good at keeping on eye on you and telling me when you go out in the street.
I really feel bad that I can't be a better attentive mom for you.
But you still demand my time and throw a fit if I even hint at leaving a room, or a place, without you.
As hard as it is, it's also reaffirming. At least I know I show you enough love that you still want me by your side. At least I'm not as scary as I feel.
You're were a pretty easy going baby, but you're definitely giving me a run for my money.
When you don't get your way-- which happens sometimes because we absolutely have no idea what you want-- you throw yourself back smacking your head on the floor, you hit anyone in sight and you grab things and throw them on the ground.
It's probably another lovely trait from your mother, and I try to work you through it.
Along with your fits, and frequent grumpiness, you are also very happy. And when your happy I just love it!
Sometimes I feel bad that you had to join us on this crazy ride, in this crazy family.
We'll make it through together, and I promise I won't leave you behind-- you don't even have to throw a fit to remind me.
Love you and can't wait to see what you have in store for us.
I don't know how I feel about being a mother, but I know how I feel about my kids. And I do love them, and hope I can do right by them. Sometimes I just don't know if I was cut out for this. I feel as though I'm a little selfish, and I was a little premature in my decision to become of mother-- or at least become a mother to four. I hear people make judgement calls on other parents like, "I can't believe they did that," or "That is so inappropriate." I look at myself and start to ponder if I do similar, and I usually find some examples. I try not to make judgement calls-- though I sometimes do. I just never know how I myself look, and it seems whenever I hear a definition of bad parenting I can usually find a piece of me that fits into it. It's probably because I try so hard to find empathy with everyone and every situation. Either way, it leaves me wondering if I really can claim the "Good Mother Prize" on mother's day.
Thank you to my friends, and other's, who have shared your comments, support and love! It means a lot! I was really blessed to have my life filled to the brim with some pretty amazing people, and some pretty amazing kids!
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