Preschool Graduation for My Twins

Tonight was the preschool graduation program for my twin boys. Their teacher is such a sweet and amazing woman, and I was so appreciative of all that she did for those kids. I was proud of my little boys too. Their participation in the program was minimal, but that's OK. My big boy was so proud of the fact that I came to see him dance, so at least I know they did something they are proud of.

After the program we went to the park to have some pizza. The emotions were high and rising. My 3 year old was upset that he didn't get a turn in the program, and he was upset that he didn't have any fun prizes. My big twin boy did offer to share with him, which helped. But then there was a fiasco over the water colors. The little twin started painting with the big twin's. Then the baby took off with them completely. As I tried to convince my big twin boy to calm down while I tried to find a good way to get the paints back he got upset and through all his stuff on the ground and yelled something along the lines of how it was all my fault and he just wouldn't have anything. This is probably somewhat related to me threatening to throw away toys when I'm upset.

Things didn't get much better. On the way home the baby appeared to break the big twin's prize. I was hoping he wouldn't notice but he did. And no offer of mine to try and mend the situation would appease-- I buying him a new one, or that fact that the toy could easily be fixed.

I tried to cope with his ever growing poor attitude, but decided we both probably needed a time out. Before I sent him I asked him to feed the cat. "No!" He replied

Off to his room he went.

It wasn't long till I opened his door, which he shut himself, and tried to explain why I was upset and that I felt he needed to apologize for how he was acting. I left his door open and went downstairs. I asked him to let the dogs out. "NO!" He replied again.

Off to his room he went.

I gathered up all his preschool prizes and put them away. He would need to earn them back.

Now I was the one sliding down the slippery emotional slope.

The older twin was crying. The 18 month old followed me around crying. Then when my mom dropped the other's off my 3 year old was throwing a fit for some unknown reason. I was just done. I told him to go join his other crying brothers and get in his jammies.

My compassion tried to seep through I wouldn't let it. I was tired, and I just didn't have it in me. I could apologize, say my "I'm sorry's" let it all go and move on. But I know we'd probably be back here again. So my justified side took over. I'm tried of trying to be a good mom. I'm tired of trying to do fun things. I'm tired of trying to keep the peace and love in this home only to be met with emotional eruptions, annoyed eye rolls, and being told I'm a mean mom that doesn't care. Is it me? What do I do wrong? Have I brought this on? Is this really all my fault? Though I wouldn't argue that these emotional outbursts are learned, and that they do probably come from me. I still feel at a loss.

I try to remember my childhood. Was I like this for my parents? Most definitely. Was I ever good, sweet or did I ever make them feel like parenthood was rewarding? Probably not all too often. I think of my own situation here and now. Do I like being a mom? Did I really want to do this? Does it feel rewarding? My brain reaches to every corner and comes back with the answer, "I just don't know."

Maybe I was too young. Maybe I was too selfish. Why do I have four children to take care of? Why were they sent to me? I just don't understand. I look at my flawed self and see nothing that resembles someone capable of raising four boys. They are good kids. They are little miracles. I love each and every one of them, and I love the unique gifts they bring to this Earth. I just don't know if I should have been trusted with them. I just don't know if I have what it takes to be their mom. But I'm the only mom they've got.

The younger twin comes to me and says, "You need to tell him you're sorry."

I know he's right, but I'm not ready to let go of my hurt just yet. I know they are just children. That they are learning and growing. But sometimes that hurt can be a hard pill to swallow.

I can feel it now. The tears. The "I'm a total failure speech" is about to run through my brain. I think of all the things I failed out. All the things I can't do. How talent-less I am. How selfish I am. How I can't see an ounce of good in me? Even if I did good, what did it matter? It could never make up for how horrible I am.

I walk into the room. Tell the boys to finish getting ready for bed. I'm still stern and cold and refusing to let compassion seep in. Then my 3 year old says it, "I'm sorry mom." My heart breaks. It was what I wanted, but still they shouldn't be the one's apologizing and I know it. I pull him out of bed and give him a big hug.

The older twin stares at me. He's waiting to be loved. Can I do it? Can I let my guard down? Why should I be so scared to let myself show him love? I stretch out my arms, and he hugs me. Then we sit there on the floor crying. I tell him everything. I tell him how he deserves better. How I try to be a good mom but I fail and I don't know what to do. How it's not his fault it's mine. He's a good little boy who is learning and growing. I'm the one who is lacking. And I tell him that I just don't know if I can do this.

My mind whirls with all the people that may be to blame for my break down. But I calm it. I know I'm the only one to blame. Once again I'm faced with knowing I am lacking, knowing I'm not strong enough to pull through this on my own. It scares me that there are still times when I just want to run away and leave it all behind. There are still times when I just want to be done being a mom. I don't know why I was sent these four little boys. I feel so completely incapable. I don't know which scale to judge myself on.

We cried our tears. We said our apologies. What will tomorrow bring? I just don't know. But this is one completely inadequate mom who is just going to have to keep trying to figure it out.