Unfortunately my crazy life is starting to catch up with me. I got a call from my younger twin's teacher. Apparently he has been throwing tantrums at school, and that day he threw a chair. Next thing I know I'm being told about behavior plans, counselors, making sure he gets a good breakfast etc. I'm so overwhelmed I just want to cry as the questions leak into my mind: "Why did I have kids? Why did He let me have children? Clearly I can't do this, so why was a sent four boys?"
I call my mom. She helps me feel better, which she often does. She helps to assure me to not feel guilty about this behavior my son has. Even though I have a temper I don't need to feel like this is my fault.
I pick my boys up from day care, and I pull the younger twin aside.
"Hey sweetie, what happened at school today?"
He gets rigid, and looks away, "It was really bad."
I grab him and give him a hug as tears fill my eyes.
"It's OK. I know it's scary. I know it's scary when you start feeling things, and acting in a way that you don't understand."
The experience is an emotional one for me. My little boy and I have been fighting a battle. An invisible battle that no one can see. We have been fighting our own demons, our temper, our anger. We talk about it all the time. We give each other hugs. We try to figure out how to get through it. But how do I teach him to handle something I, myself, have never managed to figure out how to control.
So I pray about it, as I pray about everything. I am shown an old lesson, a lesson He has brought out many times. We blow off the dust and we begin.
As I have lost my temper time and again, I have begged my Heavenly Father to tell me why this happens, and what I am to do with this flaw. I was told something a couple times, "When you feel yourself getting upset give it to me."
That was step 2. Yes I meant to start with 2.
I practice this. When I feel frustration coming on I let if flow to a different part of my brain and hand it to my Heavenly Father. But I still fail.
I once again ask my Heavenly Father what to do. "Just because you failed doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying."
This reminder is one I hold with me. Next, "Remove all shame."
This is step 3.
I need to stop shaming myself for loosing my temper. Shame can lead to addiction, and I think sometimes I feel if I shame myself enough it's a fair punishment for what I have done. Having a punishment sort of continued to give me permission. Like, "Go ahead loose you temper. It's alright as long as you shame yourself enough afterward."
Alright, but I still am loosing my temper.
"Learn to change your thought process."
Welcome to step 4.
This idea came from a couple sources. First from a book called "Man's Search for Meaning" and from a friend at work who said her counselor suggested it to her. The idea is that in order to change a behavior you tell yourself you are going to do something as opposed to telling yourself you won't. For example: an insomniac would tell themselves, "I'm going to stay up all night," instead of, "I have got to get to sleep, I can't stay up tonight." This changes the thought process and helps to get rid of the unwanted behavior. So when I was upset I would tell myself, "I'm just going to loose my temper. I'm just going to do it!"
This worked pretty well, but not perfectly.
Then I was reminded of a lesson from "Tuesdays With Morrie"
“Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.
On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it...You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief... But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.You know what pain is. You know what love is. "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it...You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief... But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.You know what pain is. You know what love is. "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
This was step 5.
I have a terrible habit of trying to control my emotions by stopping them. I have long since been an advocate for feeling and letting people feel. But I guess since I have gotten over some of my major emotional issues, from all that has happened over the years, I sort of neglected to continue nurturing my emotional needs. Lately I have been stopping an emotion. I haven't felt it. I haven't validated it. I just stopped it and ignored it. The problem is when I don't give an emotion it's proper attention, and I leave it ignored, it festers and grows. It gets bigger and bigger, until it bursts out of me demanding it get the attention it so readily deserves. And it makes sure there is no way I can ignore it anymore.
So I've been practicing feeling everything. Even the little frustrations and aggravations throughout the day. I give each emotion validation and remove all shame. I then release it and move on. It has been quite exhausting. This is a huge thought process to change. But I realize I am doing something I started learning to do a long time ago.
This brings us to step 1. A step I started a long time ago.
In a way what I am doing now is very similar to what I described doing in that post. The way I described it in the post just gives you more of a visual aid to work with.
As I look back at the journey I have been taking, I realize each little lesson I learned along the way has became a step to helping me to be able to achieve this new process for handling my emotions, and each step plays it's own role in my overall process. Perhaps the battle isn't over. I still have struggles. But I feel my Heavenly Father their coaching me. Each time I feel a little frustration, or some sadness, or whatever, I hear a voice say, "Remember to feel it. Now remember to let it go."
Now to teach this to my little boy in a way he can understand. I have done several things. A lot of times I am met with defiance. When he has already gotten upset he doesn't want to try anything. So I started making some suggestions when he was calm. I tell him, "Why don't you take a minute and blow a big balloon full of any frustrations or anger you may have. Now let it go out the window."
I also told him to choose a rock-- he really likes rocks-- and tell that rock to help him remember to be happy. Then I told him whenever he is angry he can hold that rock and it will remind him to be happy. I sound totally crazy I'm sure, but it works. I have my own rock that serves as a reminder for me and helps to keep me grounded.
We have talked about giving the emotion to Heavenly Father. We have also practiced taking deep breaths, and I told him to try and let the emotion wash all over him and fall to the ground. Then I tell him to just leave it there on the ground and walk away.
We have set up some rewards systems as well. I took away TV, unless they are good that day. I have also told them they can't have pop or candy unless they are good all week. And I am trying to make sure he gets some food in him in the mornings.
We have had a lot of help along the way from my parents to an incredibly sweet friend from daycare. Thank you to all those who have helped me to figure this out!
After I picked him up from daycare that day, his brothers went with their Dad and I took him out to talk to him. Sometimes the talk was frustrating. Sometimes he was defiant. But as the talk went on I felt my Heavenly Father there telling me which step to do when.
I forgot about a couple other, in between steps to do along the way. While trying to make sure my children understood that is was OK to feel, and wanting to make sure I didn't shame them, I lost sight of when to do simple parenting things like: You misbehaved so you loose privileges. I was gently reminded that I am here to teach my children. And I need to teach them the proper way to deal with things, and give them proper boundaries. I have felt my Heavenly Father telling me when, and how, I need to insert these things into the above lessons.
And I also learned that I need to forgive myself. I need to forgive myself for all those years I shamed myself for having a temper. This was an important step to coming to a point where I was really ready to take on learning to fully feel everything and release it.
So as me and my son continue to tilt at windmills, and fight our invisible foe, we are grateful for the many tools we have been given to help ensure victory. It's been a hard process, but hopefully we can finally conquer this monster of ours.
While we were out and about, just him and me, he asked me to take a picture of these windmills. Cute kid! :)
