Mother's Day 2015
Tonight I showed up on my parents doorstep in tears about an hour after I had stormed out, once again because I was fed up with my kids. My parents somehow know just what to say. Especially those times when I think no one would possibly understand. They always seem to.
Tonight's tears are not much different than other's I have cried. And I want to explain why. I want to be honest here because I want other's to know they aren't alone. Sometimes I feel alone. I'm afraid to say out loud what I feel inside because it seems so opposite from what other's feel. So here goes.
I don't like being mom. I don't find joy in being a mom. I don't like being told that I should see this as my single greatest accomplishment and work. Do I think mothers are important? Yes indeed. But if I defined myself by my performance as a mother, and put that up as my greatest accomplishment, my heart would break everyday. Why? Because I honestly feel like I fail at it everyday. I don't know how to feel good about being a mom. I don't know how to sit back and say this is my ultimate joy because it's hard, it's stressful and I disappoint myself a lot as a mother.
I do love my kids. I find joy in my kids. They do wonderful things, and I take great joy in watching them learn and grow, and watching them show kindness to one anther and others. But I don't see the joy I find in my kids as joy in being a mother. I honestly love them to pieces, and I wish everyday I could treat them better, be nicer, be what they need, etc. I love my kids, but being a mom is hard and I don't know that I love that part.
I don't like Mother's Day. I think I liked it better before I had kids. I very much dislike being told I am so incredibly special. That my role in this life is one of the most important. And that I deserve to be honored and recognized. And then I wake up on Mother's Day and have to do the same thing I do everyday. If I want it to be special, well I have to do something myself. This isn't just me speaking as a single Mom either. This is how this day has felt for a long time. There have been some lovely Mother's Day moments. But over all I look to that day with dread. I'm told I am supposed to enjoy it, and have my day. But in reality it's never been any different than any other day. I also dislike that all these articles are passed around all year like, "7 Ways You Are Destroying Your Children" and "Don't Even Breath Wrong Because it Will Cause Your Child to Grow Up to be a Terrible Human". Exaggerations on my part, but you get the idea right? And then on Mother's Day I'm told how wonderful mother's are. It just. . .it just bugs.
My guy did treat me to a lovely day after Mother's Day this year. He drew me a lovely bath, decorated my room with rose petals and took me out to dinner. And he listened to me rant about my dislike for Mother's Day, and empathized with me. I can't complain too much. But still I would rather just pass over that day, stay in bed and pretend it doesn't exist.
It's hard to explain how it feels. To have the world tell me this is the greatest thing I'll ever do, and have it be the one thing I just fail at miserably. It feels terribly enough to send me crying to my parents over and over again. That's why I'm here now, writing this blog post. If there is anyone else out there that can relate I want them to know they are not alone. Maybe I'm broken. I don't know. I see everyone talk about what joy they find in being a mom, and I just can't relate because being a mom for me is just hard, heartbreaking and I would quit if I only could-- though I know I could never live with myself if I did. But in case I'm not broken, and there are other's out there, wondering if they are broken too, I wanted to share this. I'm not seeking help, answers or compliments-- though it couldn't hurt ;). No, this post is just simply to be honest in the hopes that someone else doesn't have to struggle and feel alone. I know mother's are wonderful and amazing people. I even know I'm probably not as huge of a failure at this as it feels sometimes I am. These are just honest feelings I have, and I wanted to share them, honestly.
I do have to say I have wonderful kids. They try so hard, and after I lost my temper with them tonight one little boy came home and cleaned his room to make me happy. He told his brother's to help so Mom could be happy. One of my other little guys has been an amazing big brother today. He helped his brother a lot, and spoke to him so calmly and patiently. When his brother said something wrong, he kindly taught him the right word. They are great kids! Even when they drive me crazy. And even though they have a crazy mother.
There is a lot of pressure put on parents these days. The internet, I think, makes it worse. I have seen those articles you are talking about and I usually disagree with most of them. Don't let them get to you. There is no right answer for parenting. Everyone fails sometimes. I doubt you fail as often as you think you do. I often feel like my kids are not my kids. They aren't my property I am just temporarily taking care of these wonderful kids. But, they also drive me to tears. The difference is I have someone who can tag me out. I also only have half as many children as you. But, it's going to be okay. I know you aren't looking for answers, but sometimes you just need to schedule regular time away for yourself. It got to the point where Brian was working 60-ish hours a week and I couldn't handle just being home with the kids alone and I needed to schedule time where I could go away and do my own things and Brian can watch the kids. Do that with a friend, if you can. I can watch them sometimes, but I live in Lehi. Do what you need to do to refresh yourself. That's what will make you the best Mommy. I love you!
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