Cold or Flu? Neither.

My throat is sore and my voice is raspy. Could it be that I caught a bug? No. I've just been yelling at my children all morning. And when I say all morning I mean since 3:00 AM.

One of the twins kept waking up throughout the night. He was crying enough to be annoying but not enough to tire himself out. I tried to remain calm and concerned, but by the third time of having to get out of bed I had had it. Now a peaceful night of sleep was not only ruined by a child's crying, but by a mother's yelling. I gave him some Tylenol, changed his diaper,- even though it was clean- and put on his shoes- the kid has a thing for shoes. After which he finally slept peacefully through the night.

Well I told myself I wanted to have a good day because the early morning hours had not gone so well. But I just ended up having blow out after blow out.

• The first event took place when, after breakfast, my children refused, yet again, to say finished in any form. I have been working really hard on this one. "Say finished when you want down. Don't just throw your food on the floor!" That's my motivation. It took an hour and half to two hours one night to finally get them both to say finished to get down. And believe me my patience did not hold out that night. I had to put them in their room while I calmed down, and then strap them back in their boosters to finish the process. Since then one or the other has to be stubborn about saying finished, and it drives me batty.
• Next I came downstairs to do some blogging while the baby took his first nap. I was calm and happy. I finished blogging and retreated upstairs and kindly asked the twins to follow me so we could have lunch- they usually are capable of following such directions. The twins had been playing peacefully with their toys- which was amazing because they are usually playing with things they are not supposed to- and so I did a few things upstairs then went back downstairs to tell them, once again, to come get some lunch. Well, they weren't playing with their toys anymore. They were in the laundry room and they had, once again, gotten into the laundry soap. And they had, once again, thrown it all over the laundry room and the baskets of clean laundry. What makes this situation worse is that my husband makes our laundry soap so it is sort of a jelly like substance. My voice was not capable of yelling loud enough. I could not properly portray to my children just how upset I was. But boy did I ever try.
• Lastly was feeding the baby. A task which already lacks in the fun department, but which lacks even more when your child cries the whole time. He cries because he chokes. He chokes because he cries. It's a vicious cycle. The first attempt I got upset, yelled and put him in his room. Then I discovered that he was poopy- its hard to remember to check because I'm not used to him crying about things I can actually fix. I changed him and then proceeded to try and feed him again. He threw a fit. I discovered the cereal was cold. I warmed it up, but by then all hope was lost. He cried hysterically the whole time he was eating. I yelled hysterically the whole time he was eating. When we were finally done I put him back in his room so we could both cool down.

What a horrible day. It's strange how my temper can just switch on so fast. Some days I can feel it boiling. I can tell I'm just looking, almost hoping, for something to tick me off so I can just get good and angry. But other days I'm as calm as can be. I'm under control and handling things well. Then all of the sudden I loose it! I don't even see it coming. Today was a mix of both. And I don't enjoy either one, nor do my children.

At least my children are forgiving, and at least they don't remember how horrible I am- though in some cases that might do us both some good because then they would remember not to do the things that make me mad. But I still feel guilty when I think about how I was entrusted with such sweet spirits and all I can do is yell at them. I guess that's just motherhood. Frustrations will always arise. Making mistakes is just human nature. No one can do it perfectly. Tomorrow's a brand new day and I can try again to be the best mom that I can be.

I hope everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving. In light of the holiday season I wanted to share this

I hope you enjoy it. Have fun celebrating and eating. I'm so excited for this holiday season. What a wonderful time of the year!

What I'd Miss

I was thinking the other day about how hard it is to have 3 children, under the age of two, in the family. And I thought to myself, "I really can't think of any advantage to this."

Or can I?

I was changing one of the twins diapers, and the baby spit up, so I asked my little boy to go wipe up the baby while I finished with his brother. I beheld the sweetest sight in the world. Not only was he gentle, but he wiped up all the spit up- even what landed on the baby's arm. It truly amazed me!

There's a certain sweetness that comes from watching how mature a 20 month old child can be. It just amazes me to see what they are capable of. They rock the baby's car seat when he cries. The other day the baby was crying in his bassinet and one of the twins went in the room and patted him on the head. One night they played with the baby while he was in the swing. The pushed the swing way up, the baby would smile and the twins would smile back. It was so sweet to see three brother's so delighted with making each other smile. Then there was the night I was patting the baby's back to try and make him feel better, and one of the twins started to pat with me. It was just so cute.

The twins are both so attentive and good with their little brother. They always check on him when he cries, and they love to see him smile. Raising three children, under the age of 2, is an extremely difficult and trying time, but it's also wonderful in it's own way. If I could go back and change it I don't think I would.

Betrayal!

I used to tell people, "Their are three people who I trust, above all others, when it comes to advice: my Mom, my Dad and Dr. Phil."

I used to be a huge fan of Dr Phil's, but I haven't really been watching his show lately. Not because I've grown to dislike him. I just get caught up in watching other shows, and it's been so long since I've tuned in I don't even think about watching it anymore.

Well the other day I was flipping through channels, trying to find something to watch, and I came across the "Dr. Phil Show". I decided to see what the good old doctor had to say. Sadly, the more I watched the more disappointed I became. He had on a mom who's discipline tactics, he claimed, were abusive and uncalled for. The mom's techniques weren't one's I myself would use, but I didn't find them too terribly horrifying. The video was hard to watch, but watching other people discipline their kids is always hard because you're not in the situation. You haven't had to deal with the child's behavior over and over again until you get to the point that you're so frustrated you start pulling out all the stops.

My main point of disappointment came from the fact that no one was concerned about the mom. No one was asking, "What led to this? How did you get to this point? Are you happy with what you are doing or do you feel you need to change so you, and your child, can be happier?"

Instead they just tore her down. All I could think was, "This poor mom had the guts to expose herself to the world and ask for help, and all they can do is tell her how horrible she is. I'm sorry but I think we should be reaffirming that she is a good mom. And focus on the fact that if this behavior doesn't make her feel like she is being successful as a mom then, yes, lets try to fix it."

The reason why this happens? I'm going to be bold and say that the media is constantly taking power away from the parents, and giving it to the kids. We can hardly think of disciplining techniques anymore that won't have social services knocking at our door. Are there extremes? Yes! Do people get out of control? Yes! But I still think parents are loosing the right to raise good, obedient children.

I noticed it first in commercials. Commercials usually have scenarios where a kid is supposed to be cute and funny, but instead I think, "If that were my kid I'd be putting him in time out until he could learn to appreciate what he has."

My latest commercial rival is Toyota. Their latest ads drive me crazy and make me never want to purchase a Toyota.

OK so maybe I'm a black helicopter, conspiracy theorists, you name it. If you think I'm crazy you don't have to listen. But have you noticed what the media does with weight as well.

For example: "Bridget Jones' Diary".

I heard that Renee Zellweger was a size 13 when she filmed "Bridget Jones. . .", but the character's weight in the movie varies from 140 lbs to 160 lbs

When I'm 140 lbs I'm a size 8. When I'm 160 lbs I'm a size ten. So how is it that Ms. Zellweger, who is probably a good few inches taller than me, is a size 13 when she supposedly weighs between 140 lbs to 160 lbs?

I've seen other examples, but this is running long. I just pick up on things here and there, in the media, that really drive me bonkers so I had to get it out.

Brilliant!

I had a great idea today. I wanted to make brownies but I knew if I did I would addictive-ly eat the batter and probably feel all guilty and tell myself, "Well I just won't eat a brownie when dessert time rolls around." But then when dessert times does roll around I know I'm going to reach for that delicious brownie. What's a girl to do?

That's when I got my brilliant idea. I'll pop a bag of my reduced fat kettle corn to snack on while I make the brownies. That way I won't be as tempted to snack on the brownie batter. I have to say it worked beautifully. Better than I thought it would. Of course, I did still snick a lick of batter here and there, but I definitely had good self control. I was rather happy with myself.

In the spirit of being a good woman I will include the brownie recipe. It's posted on my new blog.

Where the Lost Things Go!

I think the legend of Brownies was created by a mom. A mom on the brink of madness trying to explain how on earth things could just up and disappear in her house. Since I can not think of a better explanation I thought perhaps I should write a letter to the Brownies politely asking for the return of some of my items.

Dear Brownies that live in my home,

If it wouldn't be too much trouble could you please return at least one, if not more, of these items I have found to be missing in my home?

• I would greatly appreciate the return of my sippy cup lids. And while we're on the subject why is it that you just take the lids and not the whole cup?
• Perhaps the Brownies are in need of syringes for the administering of medicine. If that be the case could we at least split them half and half? Or could you just let me keep the ones I buy from here on out?
• I know it must not be pleasant to listen to a crying child from your hiding place- where ever it may be. That is why I am requesting the return of my children's binkies. I think it would keep us both a little saner.
• Oh and if you have that last puzzle piece I've been searching for, the one that wasn't chewed on by the dog, I'd like that returned as well.

If it is not your fault that these things have gone missing I greatly apologize. If it wasn't you would you please tell me because I've been looking into investigating if it really was the dish that ran away with the spoon.

Sincerly,

Tricia S.

P.S. Why is it you leave our socks alone? Not that I'm complaining. Just that I'm curious.

Don't you love the help of small children in your home. Though I can't complain too much since my little boy loves to help me unload the dishwasher,- loading is another story, but it is dang cute how hard he tries to help me unload it- and he helps me make the bed. He also helps me loose things by putting them back where they go :)- why would I look there.

Dieting and Diapers

These two things don't really go together, but I wanted to post about both.

Dieting

I've been doing rather good on the diet lately. I've lost almost 20 pounds now. The road has been a little bumpy though. I went to the Doctors office for my six week check up and I had to weigh in, of course. Well my weight was about where I thought is was. Then I went into WIC and I had to weigh in there too. I found I had gained a pound or so since the doctors visit. This did not make me too happy. I had been starving myself for weeks. How could this be? That sent me into a bit of a relapse. I told myself, "Stupid diet! I'm so done with you. I'm just going to eat whatever I want because I'm not loosing weight anyway."

Shortly after that I got myself back on track. And after the Kidney infection passed the weight started to come off really well. Then my birthday hit. You know how when you start a diet its really really hard to eat less then you're used to, but after a couple of weeks your body adjusts and it becomes less hard? Well I feel like I'm at the beginning of my diet again. It has just been so hard to resist my delicious birthday cake that is sitting on the table staring at me. And I keep drinking diet soda after diet soda trying to resist my sweet cravings. I've kind of blown it this week. I tell myself, "I'm just taking a break for a week," or "I'm celebrating that the stress of the baby blessing is over and the fact that the baby is doing better." But when I get on the scale and see that I have gained three pounds I don't feel much like celebrating. I really need to try hard to get back on track.

Diapers

Well with the new baby cloth diapering has been a bit more of a challenge. I do still enjoy it for the most part. What I don't enjoy however? Cloth diapering a baby. I just can not get it to work. We stuff and we stuff and they still leak all over. And the poor baby's bottom starts to resemble that of an insect. It just does not look cute in any form. I can handle the twins diapers because for the most part they don't look any funnier then a regular diaper- in some ways I think they look cuter. But the baby's cloth diapered bum just does not look cute. Maybe it's a little petty, but with the stress a baby brings I like to enjoy the things I can, and one of the things I enjoy is looking at how cute they are in their clothes. He does not look cute in his clothes, however, when he has on a cloth diaper. I feel guilty that I don't try harder to make them work, and I feel bad spending money on diapers for him, but I think I'll wait until he's just a little older to start the cloth diapering game.

If there are any tips out there for cloth diapering a baby, as opposed to a toddler, please let me know.

P.S. I tried sham wow's in the diapers, but I have say I wasn't impresses. I'd put them in with a regular Gerber Diapers, and I was never overly amazed with their absorbency. Plus it seemed that they were giving the boys bad bum rashes- though I haven't had much luck in that area recently either and we stopped using sham wow's a while ago.

Basic Mom Style

I made a decision today. It's a decision I'm familiar with as a mother, and I don't know why it has taken me so long to make it. But it has a made a world of difference.

One thing I've always done as a mom is let my kids cry. When I put the twins on a schedule I just let them cry themselves to sleep. Sometimes it would take longer than I think most people would feel comfortable letting it go, but when I was in a patient mood I could stick it out to the bitter end, and they would cry themselves to sleep.

With newborns I'm a little different. I try not to let them cry. I just think for a while you have to just deal with the crazy newborn schedule. I try to give some leeway and save the "let them cry" stage for when i feel the are more ready for it. So with this baby I've been letting it go. It's just been so hard to tell if he's growing out of the newborn stage or not. And I also let it go because I knew he didn't feel good, and I didn't think I should let him cry if he was crying simply because he didn't feel good.

The hard thing about that is that I was exhausting myself and my patience. It just doesn't fit my mothering style to always be holding and calming a crying child. I try to have my children do as much as they can with as little interference from me as possible. Since I wasn't following my mothering way I think I was really wearing myself down. And I just kept thinking, "I'm not the type of mother that can handle a child that needs to be held, soothed, played with, etc. all the time. I don't think I was meant to be the mother of this baby."

Well today I made a decision. I took care of everything I could possibly think of with the baby. Then I went to set him down. He starts crying like he wants to eat. I just looked at him and said, "Well I'm done with feeding you every two hours. You should be growing out of the newborn eating habits by now, and you don't need to eat for another hour. I'm sorry but you're just going to have to cry."

Then I put him in his swing, covered him with a blanket, shut the door and turned my music way up. I then tried to find ways to keep myself busy, so I wouldn't concentrate on the crying. Amazingly, I was stress free. I could hear his crying, but I now knew it wasn't something I had to tend to, so it didn't make me anxious. He fell asleep within 15 or 20 minutes. It was amazing.

He woke up when it was regular feeding time. I fed him, burped him, checked his diaper, played with him for a bit and when he got fussy I put him in his swing and let him cry himself to sleep. It worked beautifully. I haven't felt this good as a mom for a long time. I didn't loose my temper or yell at anyone. I laughed and played with my children. I wasn't overly stressed with housework yet I still accomplished a lot. And it just amazes me that what made everything fall into place was not a medicine, new bottle or sleeping position, but instead it was something that I felt was so wrong to do to a child who doesn't feel good.

As the day went on he got calmer and calmer. By the end of the day I put him in his swing and he just calmly drifted off to sleep. It was absolutely beautiful.

Since the only pattern I've noticed with this child is that there is no pattern I'm not sure if this is something that will always work. And I know there will be times that I can't let the crying roll off my patience like water off a duck's back. But I really feel that this is a good decision, and I think it is going to make the relationship with this baby a much stronger one. It sounds a little strange that this will help me get closer to my child and help me feel like a better mother but I think it's just simply because this way I can enjoy him more.

New Blog!

Though I just vented about major stresses in my life I've decided to start another blog. Something simple, but that will give me a bit of a creative outlet.

Here it is if you want to check it out.

Feelings of Inadequacy

Becoming a mom was like finding that perfect job. But lately I've had a hard time finding what it was that made it so perfect.

I'm not placing blame on my children here. They are more perfect than anything. No, I'm placing blame on me. I'm the one that can't seem to climb back up the ladder of the joys of motherhood to view the wonders that only being a mother can bring.

I try to accomplish certain goals everyday: Take good care of the kids, find a good routine, find a balance between housework and enjoying the kids that everyone can be happy with and don't loose you temper.

Sadly these goals are far from being accomplished. This means almost everyday I disappoint myself in more then one way. Almost every day I feel I have failed.



I think if I could get the kids all in a routine I could handle it better. But there is just no such thing as a routine with the baby. One day he'll eat really well, he'll sleep for 3 and 1/2 to 4 hours and he'll be happy and content when he's awake. Then the next day he's just fussy, fussy, fussy. He'll only eat well half the time, it takes an hour or two to get all the burps out of him and just when I think I have got him content I lay him down and he starts to cry. At these moments I just want to cry, and I usually loose my temper

Then to top it off the twins are running around being their busy little selves. They get into everything that is not their toys. On a good day I can handle this because I have the energy and patience to just clean up the messes. But on the bad days I just scold them all day long. And, yes, I loose my temper with them too.



I know it's not anyone's fault. I know the baby is sick and in pain. But people act like that's a warm cozy blanket that should cover up all the problems and frustrations that arise from having to deal with a fussy baby. The truth is it's hard. No matter what the reason for his fussiness it's just hard.

And I know that what the boys are doing is just typical toddler behavior. But telling that to myself doesn't make my stress level go down.

Yesterday was a bad day. My husband pulled in late that night. He disregarded my blowout of a message I left on his answering machine- thank goodness- and came in and just talked to me. I told him, "I feel useless. I'm not a good mother anymore and you should just send the children to daycare because they would be better off there. I try so hard to take care of the house, and make sure there's food on the table, but there seems to be no point. The house is a disaster and nobody eats my cooking. I feel totally worthless and useless as a wife and a mother."

He, of course, consoles me and tells me I'm a good mom and a good wife. He then pulls out the leftovers from the night before and eats a hearty serving.

The men in my life are so great! They put up with so much from me. I yell and I scream, and they greet me with smiles and love that I don't feel I deserve. My baby will coo and goo, when he feels good, and give me delightful grins. Everyone says, "Are you telling momma that you love her?"



All I can think is I don't deserve that, and I don't know why he'd even recognize me as his mother. I've been nothing but horrible to him.

I'm really down and out. I feel like the only reason my twins turned out so well was because they were just simply good babies. And when I'm faced with a real challenge of a child I fail miserably. I long to feel the joys of motherhood again, but as each day passes all I can think is, "Maybe I'm just not as good at being a mother as I thought I was."