Feelings of Inadequacy

Becoming a mom was like finding that perfect job. But lately I've had a hard time finding what it was that made it so perfect.

I'm not placing blame on my children here. They are more perfect than anything. No, I'm placing blame on me. I'm the one that can't seem to climb back up the ladder of the joys of motherhood to view the wonders that only being a mother can bring.

I try to accomplish certain goals everyday: Take good care of the kids, find a good routine, find a balance between housework and enjoying the kids that everyone can be happy with and don't loose you temper.

Sadly these goals are far from being accomplished. This means almost everyday I disappoint myself in more then one way. Almost every day I feel I have failed.



I think if I could get the kids all in a routine I could handle it better. But there is just no such thing as a routine with the baby. One day he'll eat really well, he'll sleep for 3 and 1/2 to 4 hours and he'll be happy and content when he's awake. Then the next day he's just fussy, fussy, fussy. He'll only eat well half the time, it takes an hour or two to get all the burps out of him and just when I think I have got him content I lay him down and he starts to cry. At these moments I just want to cry, and I usually loose my temper

Then to top it off the twins are running around being their busy little selves. They get into everything that is not their toys. On a good day I can handle this because I have the energy and patience to just clean up the messes. But on the bad days I just scold them all day long. And, yes, I loose my temper with them too.



I know it's not anyone's fault. I know the baby is sick and in pain. But people act like that's a warm cozy blanket that should cover up all the problems and frustrations that arise from having to deal with a fussy baby. The truth is it's hard. No matter what the reason for his fussiness it's just hard.

And I know that what the boys are doing is just typical toddler behavior. But telling that to myself doesn't make my stress level go down.

Yesterday was a bad day. My husband pulled in late that night. He disregarded my blowout of a message I left on his answering machine- thank goodness- and came in and just talked to me. I told him, "I feel useless. I'm not a good mother anymore and you should just send the children to daycare because they would be better off there. I try so hard to take care of the house, and make sure there's food on the table, but there seems to be no point. The house is a disaster and nobody eats my cooking. I feel totally worthless and useless as a wife and a mother."

He, of course, consoles me and tells me I'm a good mom and a good wife. He then pulls out the leftovers from the night before and eats a hearty serving.

The men in my life are so great! They put up with so much from me. I yell and I scream, and they greet me with smiles and love that I don't feel I deserve. My baby will coo and goo, when he feels good, and give me delightful grins. Everyone says, "Are you telling momma that you love her?"



All I can think is I don't deserve that, and I don't know why he'd even recognize me as his mother. I've been nothing but horrible to him.

I'm really down and out. I feel like the only reason my twins turned out so well was because they were just simply good babies. And when I'm faced with a real challenge of a child I fail miserably. I long to feel the joys of motherhood again, but as each day passes all I can think is, "Maybe I'm just not as good at being a mother as I thought I was."