I should be cleaning the house right now, but instead I'm down here, on my computer writing a post. Even though my house is a disaster, and every second spent in it stresses me out, I feel taking a minute to do something for myself, that will help me relax, is the best thing I can do right now.
Today my baby boy is 15 months old. As he grows nearer to the age of 18 months I think to myself, "Maybe I should start asking more of him? How old were the twins when I taught them baby signs? How old were they when I made them pick up their messes?"
I think the twins were around 15 months or so when I started asking them to do more things. But, of course, every baby is different. Like I don't know if my youngest will do baby signs. Which is OK. It worked well with the twins, but he may just prefer to talk, since that's what his older brothers do.
Anyway. . .after facing a stressful week of rearranging the house to put up Christmas stuff, trying to get laundry done with a dryer that takes 5 hours to dry a load-- if I stay on top of it-- and trying to get the house dusted and mopped, as those are this weeks chores. I worked two days this week-- which shouldn't be too much to ask, but has really effected my abilities to get things done--, and now they've asked me to come in tomorrow too. Even though 10:00 AM is our wake up time around here, I find myself exhausted and just wanting to lay down all day long, which usually finds me in bed until 11:00 AM or so. Kind of pathetic, I know. But I do stay up late, getting things done.
On top of that, we now enter the holiday season. We have work parties and church meeting to get to. I love, love, love it! But it does also make getting things done around here a little bit harder.
Well, this morning I put the kids in their chairs for breakfast. I gave the twins a bowl of cereal, and the baby a banana. I also gave the baby some cereal to snack on. One of the twins kept saying, "Baby put on the floor!" Meaning the baby was throwing food on the floor. And so begins the tattling. I told the baby 3 times to stop, but still the cereal spilled all over the floor.
I don't know why, but it really got to me today. I've had patience with the endless mess I clean up with this child. The fact that I can't get anything under control whenever he's awake. He makes messes ten times faster then I can clean them up. And all existing messes get lost in the wake. However, patience was now lost. I was feeling really stressed about the house at this point. Very unmotivated, and lacking the help I'd need to get this all cleaned up.
I decided it was time to try and teach him to pick up his mess. Well, that's when I lost it.
The third baby has been a struggle for me, and that's probably no secret. For months I felt like I was the wrong mother for him. That he shouldn't have been sent to me because I just didn't think I could care for him the way I should. My friend blamed it on the fact that I had him c-section, and that I bottle fed-- which, by the way, did not make me very happy. I had the twins by c-section too, and they were bottle fed as well, and I never once regretted having them. But there have been numerous times where I thought, "I shouldn't have had this baby. Everyone was right!"
Why that is? I don't really know. His birth was kind of harsh because his cry sounded so angry. Our personalities seem to clash. Plus, I think it was hard to have a 9 month pregnancy and get two babies out of it, and then be pregnant for the same amount of time to only have one baby. I was exhausted at the end of my pregnancy with baby number three, and part of me felt like pregnancy wasn't worth it.
When the twins arrived I thought, "If I had known all that work was for you I wouldn't have minded."
When baby number three came I thought, "I am just so tired, I don't think I can do this again."
Baby number three is also surrounded by several other stresses. Ever since he came all has fallen apart, and can't be rebuilt-- much like my house when he is awake. I don't mean that to sound like I'm blaming him, it's just the facts. After we got pregnant with him my husband lost his job, I had to return to work, we fell into financial turmoil, we've been on and off food stamps, we've been on and off medicaid, nothing has been steady, we owe everyone money and my household projects have been in a permanent unfinished state. The only thing not permanent about our house projects is how we manage to add even more unfinished projects to the list.
I don't think I love baby number three less than the twins. I just think it's been really hard for the last two years-- that's when I got pregnant with him-- and that has just made it hard to really to enjoy him.
So, I lost it. I yelled and screamed. I said some awful things. I made him cry. I put him in time out, just to get him away from his monster mom. When I opened the door to check on him, his tears almost made me cry. I wanted to hold him, and tell him I was sorry. But I felt, before I did that, he should do as I asked and clean up the mess he made. So I guided his hand and his body completely. We picked up cereal and threw it in the trash. I told him he had to do it, and that I knew he was capable. His brothers got down to help, and I just watched. Then, something amazing happened! He picked up some cereal and put it in the trash. Then he picked up some more. He even picked up two at a time-- that's something that took his brothers a while to grasp. And I just felt wonderful! It felt wrong to feel this wonderful, after I had been so awful. I felt like I didn't deserve it. But I was just so happy with what he had learned. And you know what? He was happy too. He wasn't sulking, or feeling sorry for himself-- which are some of the things he usually does. No, he was happy too!
I knelt down to give him a hug, but he has too busy cleaning up cereal. I finally got him to come over and give me a hug. I told him how sorry I was, and I kissed his head. The funny thing is, with how happy he was, I felt completely forgiven.
I was worried that I may never get past my negative emotions towards the way life has been since we found out we were having our third. But when I calmed down a little, and we made progress on the making of messes, I realized I do love this little boy more than anything. And that things will get better. Our relationship having a few bumps along the way will only mean that it will be more rewarding in the end.
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