Call Me Vain

This post may seem a little vain, but I'm striving for some motivation. I was looking at some pictures of myself before I had children and boy was it an eye opener. So here I am displaying my vanity.

This is my husband and I while we were still dating.



Engagement



This is our lovely wedding day.



Us on our honeymoon.



The short period of marriage we had before kids.




Here we are the fall after we got married. I'm at the beginning of pregnancy with the twins.



I looked so much better in photos back then. Why didn't I appreciate that more?

Nowadays for me to feel good about a photo I have to spend an hour or two on hair and makeup, and even then I feel like it's slim pickings.

Me in this years Halloween costume



I understand that being a mother means your body takes on a whole different kind of beauty and I can appreciate that. I'm not saying I want to wear a bikini by next summer I just want to feel better about myself. I realize that stability in my self image shouldn't be tide up into my weight, but in someways it is.

When I look in the mirror I don't really look. I mostly just check to make sure there isn't a spot on my shirt or food in my teeth. I make sure my outfit looks good and that I don't have any embarrassing wardrobe mishaps, but I don't really look at myself because I don't want to feel the disappointment. That little bit of disappointment that I feel when I realize I'm not the young cute skinny thing I was. Yes beauty may take a different form, but it's still a little hard to accept myself as I am right now.

It's not all about looks either. It's about the health issue. I love the fast paced life me and my husband live, but I can feel it taking it's toll. I can see the tiredness in my eyes, and I can feel the aches in my body.

I'm sure we've all heard the story about how on an airplane the adult first puts on their breathing mask and then assists the child, and we're told to relate this to parenting. We see all the mothers on makeover shows that have neglected to care for themselves because they've been taking care of their family's needs first. We all know that sometimes mother's need to step back and say, "What about me?" It can't become a totally self involved thing, but every once in a while we need to take care of ourselves so we can continue to take care of our families.

So I'm taking care of me. I'm going to loose the weight this time. I'm going to be happy with how I look and feel. I want to see the woman my husband see's when I look in the mirror, so I'm going to diet and exercise.

So bare with me, as I share my journey on this blog. I've been dieting for almost 2 weeks. And it's been excruciatingly hard. I know food shouldn't be my stress release, but it is. I've been really trying to not cheat on my diet when the going gets tough. So far I've lost about 7 pounds, and I am about to where I was before baby 3. The real struggle, however, will be to get to where I was before the twins. I'm 20 pounds from that goal.

My favorite diet plan was weight watchers. Since I lack the money to join I sort of follow my own little system. A great snack to have are my made up burritos. You get two tortillas, black beans, sour cream, salsa, cheese and a lot of lettuce. I find it totally delicious, very filling and it doesn't take up a lot of points- referring to the weight watchers system.

So it may be vain, I may have poor self image and perhaps I shouldn't care because my husband can still look at me and call me beautiful, but I can't help it. I need to do this for me and, in the long run, for my family. Because we all know "If mom ain't happy ain't nobody happy!"

Mommy do This! Mommy do That!

Do you ever get tired of all the opposing words of advice you get as a mother.

One person says, "Lay them on their side." Another person says, "Lay them on their back."

One person says, "Start solids at 4 months." Another person says, "Wait until six months!"

I mean it really is quite the headache isn't it? Then to top it all off I spew my advice here :)

The best advice I can give for dealing with advice givers is have an advice filter.

The funny thing about all the advice is no matter how much you take and leave you're going to have take and leave a whole different set with each new child.

The twins were easy going babies. They're feedings were truly amazing. Even as newborns you could practically set a clock by them- every 3 to 4 hours on the dot. Then after they drank their bottle you would burp them, change them and lay them down and they would fall asleep.

The new baby, however, is a much different story. You feed him, burp him, feed him, burp him, change him, feed him and burp him. It can go on and on. His feedings will last for an hour or more sometimes. Then to top it off he's ultra sensitive. The regular formula gives him gas he can't pass. The sensitive gives him gas, but he can pass it. The soy gives him gas, he can pass it and it makes him spit up.

Along with that there's the bottle's and the nipples. Regular old bottles don't do the trick. And you can't just snag any old nipple. So far the Ventaire or Drop In's system- both from playtex- are the best. And you have to make sure you get a slow flow nipple or the gas and the fussiness is even worse.

When you finally get through a feeding you have to find the right position for him to sleep on. This position usually involves the Boppy and he usually has to be on his tummy. I know those are both "No no's" for sleeping, but I'm just trying to get through a day here. Usually I can manage to get him to sleep, but it's only for an hour or two and then he's up fussing again. Yes, no matter how much he eats,- sometimes 6 oz- he's up again within a 2 hours. This seems very unusual to me for a formula fed baby. But our conclusion- and the doctors too- is that he is getting gas pains and wakes up out of discomfort and thinks he needs to eat.

Oh and then there is the "How much should he eat" clause. Newborns are supposed to eat 2-4 oz every 3-4 hours or so. With the twins we would up their ounces if they started to wake up sooner then usual. But I heard that that was a big "no" and the amount our twins were eating by 2 months was way too much. But then you hear that, "Newborns are smart and they only eat as much as they need. They'll stop when they're full." Well I thought I'd try to keep this baby to the 2-4 limit to see if it helped anything. I threw that towel in pretty quick. Of course, it doesn't really matter because how much he eats changes with each feeding.

So here I am with my ultra sensitive and very demanding child thinking, "What on Earth do I try now?" I'm looking things up on the internet and asking doctors. We're rotating hips, rubbing tummies, bending legs and doing the football hold. It's almost like starting completely over.

The twins were so simple in a way. I didn't really have to search out or ask advice because we didn't run into many road blocks we couldn't get around ourselves. But the baby is taking me on a whole different ride. I'm now thinking, "I now understand why babies are so hard! If I would have had you first we definitely wouldn't have gotten pregnant again so soon." This, I hear, is a typical statement of mothers.

I must remember that, with parenting, there is right, there is wrong and then there is a whole bunch of gray. There's more then one way to raise a child, so I'll take the advice I need and do what I feel I have to do.

A Fun Tradition Gone South!

On Sunday we decided to take a family drive up the Canyon to see the leaves. We geared up and packed our bags so that the drive would be as enjoyable as possible. We grabbed snacks, binkies, bottles, blankets and toys. We piled into the car and headed out.



As we drove up the canyon I couldn't help but be a little disappointed in the leaves. There were some beautiful sights, but it just didn't seem quite as breath taking as it had before. But still we drove on.



Later my disappointment in the outing grew. Not because of the leaves but because of the fussy boy in the back. One of the twins was pulling his usual cranky "I'm going to whine instead of just fall to sleep" routine. We drove on.



Next the baby began to fuss. Of course he did because it was time for him to eat and the hypnotic sensation of driving in the car does not hold this baby over like it did for my other children. Now we were getting truly miserable, but boy was I ever trying to hold on to enjoying this afternoon activity.



We took the turn out for Cascade Springs- our favorite place to visit in the fall- and my husband took the corners like a mad man, as we rushed to get to our destination so we could comfort the crying children.

My big boy was getting crankier and crankier. I'm thinking, "That darn child makes any car ride so miserable I'm sick of it. When we stop he's going to sit in time out. . .or get spanked. . .or something!"



I get more and more frustrated. The cries, and my voice get louder and louder. Then it happened. My big boy threw up all over himself. Instantly I felt the grief. Here I was yelling at him and the whole time the poor thing had an upset tummy. Boy he must have been miserable. I would have been crying too.



We finally reached Cascade Springs, and we got the child all cleaned up and ready to go. Sadly our day just never healed. After all our packing and preparing we left the stroller at home. We didn't have a carrier for the baby either, so he rode in the diaper bag. Cascade Springs didn't present us with it's usual fall splendor, and the children were all very very cranky.



But there was still some fun sights, and we did still manage to enjoy ourselves a little. I guess it wasn't a total bust. It's probably as fun as any family outing will be from here on out.

How you ask. . .I do not know

We've been putting the boys down in there beds at bedtime, and then as soon as they climb out and start playing we put them in their cribs. We really don't need the transition to happen right now, and I really didn't know if they were ready, so we didn't push it too hard. Which is why I was shocked when, on the third night of this nightly routine, the boys stayed in their beds. They did it the next night too. And the next day at nap time. I still can't believe it.



I did hear that bedtime routines were important for transitions like these. We did have a routine- PJ's, bottles and music- and I added a bedtime story to see if that would help them settle in their beds. But I don't really know if the routine- or the story- is what made the transition happen or not.


P.S. My big boy did fall off the top bunk twice.

P.P.S. He now won't get of anything by himself no matter how close it is to the ground.

I really enjoyed reading this post today.

Sometimes as a mother I forget who it is that prey's an my negative emotions, and who it is that tries to use them to destroy me and my family. I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who sends me the reminders I need!

Confessions of an Imperfect Mom

I got the idea for this post from my friends blog post.

I read the article and it just got me thinking about why I started this blog in the first place.

At times I feel so inadequate as a mother. I have emotions that scare me and that make me wonder if I'm normal. I don't always follow the rules, or do things the ultimate best way that people suggest. I try my hardest to be a good mom, but I know there are times my children deserve a much better mom then me- Just the other day I had a real shining moment when one of the twins ate dirt, fell in a ditch full of irrigation water and ate paint.

I figure most woman have emotions like this and my hopes, with the blog, were:

1. To have somewhere to place my emotions and not keep them bottled up

and

2. Maybe help other mom's know they aren't the only one's that felt that way or went through that.

I've been accused of not knowing what a hard life is. People often think that my life has just been easy breezy with no struggles at all. They seem to think it's easy for me to look temptation in the eye and say no. They think because I am married my life is perfect. Some even believe that having twins upped my life another notch of perfection. Yes, for some reason people think life is just wonderful for me.

What these people didn't realize is that I did, and do, have struggles. That my weaknesses may not be the same as theirs, but I still have them. My trials may not look like theirs, but they are still a struggle to get through. And above all these people don't realize that you never assume someone's life is easy.

But because I had these people in my life I started to become an open book. I wouldn't hide my emotions from people. Of course, I always test the water but most the time, if I feel comfortable, I'll just put it out there. And most the time I find that others have felt the same way I did. I

also enjoy being around honest people too. People that can just say, "Yeah I had a hard time, but I don't think it makes me a bad person, so I don't mind telling you about it."

I hope that this blog has served it's purpose. I don't want people to be under the impression that my life is perfect. I don't want them to think I handle everything graciously and sweetly. I'm sure anyone that reads this blog doesn't have this impression, but I just wanted to make sure I don't come across that way.



Life is really hard right now. Once we get past the newborn hump I think we'll be fine, but until then everyday is an exhausting struggle. I get very agitated with all the men in my life. It's completely exhausting to try and just maintain the house. Maybe I should just let some things slide, but if I don't stay on top of them they get even more out of control and that just stresses me out more.

The new baby has been a new kind of difficult. It was very hard to bond with him, and there are still times that I wonder if I have. Most of the day I have a love/hate relationship with him. I love him to death, but I hate that he won't just take a nap and let me be. I hate that an hour after he eats he's crying that angry cry. I hate that if his binkie falls out he throws a fit. He really drives me crazy!

I wouldn't trade him for the world, and I can tell that he has a sweet little spirit,- which I love- but he seems so much more high strung then the twins. There are certain times of the day that I think, "I want to just leave and forget I ever had kids."

But then what would I do. Realize my dream of being a Broadway star? I don't think so. This life is hard, but I know I'm not going to find anything better out there.

I think I had a bit of postpartum depression with this baby. I even found it hard to enjoy the twins for a while after he was born. I'm finally starting to feel those little glimmers of joy that children bring into your life, and that is a nice feeling.



Even with the daily struggles I go through I am happy. Deep down I'm very happy with my life.

"Daughter, use all your gifts to build up righteousness in the earth. Never use them to acquire name or fame. Never rob your home, nor your children. If you were to become the greatest woman in this world, and your name should be known in every land and clime, and you would fail in your duty as wife and mother, you would wake up on the morning of the first resurrection and find you had failed in everything; but anything you can do after you have satisfied the claims of husband and family will redound to your own honor and to the glory of God." -Brigham Young



I got this quote from this blog I like to read. I really like it so I thought I'd post it here.

More Then I Can Chew or Just Right?

I was told that having twins would keep me insanely busy. I knew it would most likely be true since I'd heard, and seen, how much work one baby could be. That's why I was shocked when I wasn't completely and utterly exhausted after having the boys. I couldn't believe I could still find the time to take a shower each day. Being a mom felt like the job I had been doing, and loving, my whole life. Only now it had something that made it even better. A love and devotion to stay and make myself a better person. A job you can quit, being a mom is forever so you have to figure out how to do it as best you can, and most the time you want to so your kids can have a happy healthy life.

Yes the road has been bumpy. I've had many a break downs. There have been many times were I wondered if I was really suited to raise these two little spirits. I've had those moments were I sit down to feed them, and wish I could turn around and hand the job off to someone else. And I have to say the walking stage is a lot harder to deal with then I anticipated- I feel like it's the hardest so far. But all in all I've really loved being the mom of twins.




Though there were times I wished that I felt as busy as everyone said I should feel. I kept thinking, "Is there something wrong with me? Do I make my husband do all the work? Do I pawn my children off too much?"

I couldn't figure out why, when the boys were at the ripe old age of 6 months, I wanted another baby? Why was I going through the whole emotional roller coaster of "I want to be pregnant. No I don't. Yes I do. No I really don't." Then the time of the month rolls around and I would want to cry because deep down I really was hoping I'd be pregnant.



It was insanity, and I knew it. Everyone told me not to, but I just couldn't deny the desire to have a child any longer. So we started to try, and low and behold it happened. And it happened fast. So fast it happened before the job loss, and loss of insurance. Before I knew I would have to return to work. Before we knew just how hard it would be for my husband to attain work- which still hasn't happened. Yes for a while it seemed the plan to have another child was worse then we could have imagined.

But now he's here. And I think I finally can say that this is hard. I spend all day trying to get dressed. Sometimes one simple chore of taking those grocery's downstairs can take me hours because in between the thought to do it and the actual action of doing it I have to feed a baby, get the twins lunch, pump, get the twins a drink, see why the baby is crying and go to the bathroom. My mom had the twins for a couple days, and I was actually kind of bored. But with them here life is a circus. I'm exhausted before I even wake up. I haven't even wanted to think about what to pack in the diaper bag if we attempt to go out for a day. But even with this insanity I find myself on the happy side. I'm happy finally knowing I've reached the limit of what I can take on. Knowing that I will be content and busy for a while raising my three children. Knowing that I actually have the desire to leave my children with a sitter and go out with my husband. I know it sounds crazy, but it does make me happy.



Of course, I can also feel the stress of the situation. The exhaustion, and I know there will probably be many breakdowns. At times I wonder if I can do it, but there really is no point in wondering because I have to do it no matter what. And I know I want to try to do it well.

My life may be crazy, but at least I'm content.

Vote!

The two H's are in an online baby contest so go vote for them. Not sure if you can vote for both of them, but at least pick your favorite.

Little H

Big H

Vote!

I changed the links, so maybe it will be easier. Little H is associated with my Yahoo email and Big H is associated with my hotmail email. I don't want to post my email address' here, so if you need them let me know and I'll try to find a more private way to get them to you. You do have to register apparently, which I think is dumb. I was hoping they would make it more simple then that.

Welcome to the World!

There's never a time in your life when you receive more advice then when you're expecting a child. And apparently the advice giving doesn't fade after you've already successfully had one child- or two for that matter. I was starting to feel as though people didn't count twins as really having a baby. They would keep saying, "Well you had twins so you can try it again with one." And I'm thinking, "I've had twins so I know twice as well what I do and don't want."

Well it wasn't too long ago that a realization came to me. People are eager to suggest and say what they feel you should do because their experience with it was so wonderful and special- or perhaps the opposite- that they want you to share in it too- or avoid it if you can. Though they might not agree with the path you choose they are not going to end their relationship with you simply because you chose a different path- most the time at least.

I say this because a week ago I made the decision to have another c-section. I, of course, had been told countless times not too and I was worried that had I not attempted once more to have a vaginal birth that I would be hearing about it from people for the rest of my life. My mom had to battle with this. One man that she worked with even stopped talking to her completely because she just got a c-section with her second child instead of trying for a vaginal birth. I told the doctor it was one of my worries and he said I could blame it on him if I wanted to. But as I was struggling with the decision, and slowly getting more and more unhappy I started to realize that I had to decide what was important to me. My friends and family had given me advice based on what was important and special to them, but is what was special to them going to be something I wanted, and needed, for myself. It was with that thought that I turned to my husband and said, "It's only worth continuing on in this state if you really want that vaginal birth right?"

"Yeah!" He replied.

"So if it just doesn't seem worth it to me then there's no point in me going on right? It doesn't make me a wimp or a coward? It just means I have different needs and wants as a mother."

With that I felt good and happy with the idea of having another c-section. It felt like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders and I wasn't so depressed or anxious anymore.

We went to the doctor on Monday and I found out that I was still only dilated to a fingertip. That's what I had been since week 37. But it didn't upset or frustrate me, it just made me feel even more secure about my decision to have a c-section.

The doctor did an ultra sound to make sure we didn't have to get me in sooner then not. We found my fluid was on the low side, but not the scary side, and that the baby was measuring 2 weeks small. But the doctor didn't seem worried about it, and we scheduled a c-section for Wednesday morning.

It was so nice to get everything in order before the baby came. We cleaned the whole house, packed all our bags and arranged babysitting for the boys.

We went in Wednesday morning at 6:15. After getting an IV, and being asked a million questions, I was walked back to the OR to get a spinal. A spinal is like an epidural, but the medicine is even stronger so you feel even less. My husband couldn't be there while they put in the spinal, which was really unfortunate because it hurt way more then my epidural did. It stressed me out a little that the nurses had to calm me down. But soon my husband joined me. I was so happy to see him I could have cried. I didn't feel anything as they cut the baby out, and it was so wonderful to hear that first feisty cry. He sounded like such an angry baby, but it was still so wonderful to welcome him to the world.




My husband took some pictures, and I was shocked to see how different he was. Then they let my husband hold him by my head for a little bit. I looked him over and over then turned to my husband and said, "He's not as cute as the twins."

Luckily the swelling went down and soon I recognized my beautiful baby boy. And he is just as adorably cute as the twins were.

I had told the nurses that I was bottle feeding, and I have to say I loved it. It was so much more relaxing, and easy. I was bothered a lot less, and I just felt good knowing what I was doing instead of latching on here, pumping there and bottles everywhere.

He was 6 lbs, 15 oz and 19 inches of sweetness. He was small, but healthy. No Jaundice and no level 2 NICU.

I would get really nauseated off and on that first day from the spinal, and I threw up once, but the second c-section still seemed to go much better. Not going through labor seemed to help a lot with the recovery. I also think it helped that I had been there and had a better idea of what I was capable off. It's now Sunday and I'm feeling really really good.

We came home Friday, and I was so engorged I couldn't wait to pull out the pump. My plan is to pump here and there, and just slowly ween off so I don't have to get engorged and be in a lot of pain.

My parents are still taking care of the twins. I miss them terribly but I know I'm not ready to take care of them yet. It does make it hard to have two little boys who want my attention and I can't fully give it to them. But I figure in a week or two I'll be well enough to play and have fun with them. Had I stayed pregnant I probably would have gone to week 41, and they probably would have had to induce me. That would have left me pregnant for these two weeks meaning I wasn't fully capable of being a good mom anyway. And then I could have ended up with another c-section which means the boys would have been without a full time mom for two more weeks after that. So I figure my decision was still a good one.