I was told that having twins would keep me insanely busy. I knew it would most likely be true since I'd heard, and seen, how much work one baby could be. That's why I was shocked when I wasn't completely and utterly exhausted after having the boys. I couldn't believe I could still find the time to take a shower each day. Being a mom felt like the job I had been doing, and loving, my whole life. Only now it had something that made it even better. A love and devotion to stay and make myself a better person. A job you can quit, being a mom is forever so you have to figure out how to do it as best you can, and most the time you want to so your kids can have a happy healthy life.
Yes the road has been bumpy. I've had many a break downs. There have been many times were I wondered if I was really suited to raise these two little spirits. I've had those moments were I sit down to feed them, and wish I could turn around and hand the job off to someone else. And I have to say the walking stage is a lot harder to deal with then I anticipated- I feel like it's the hardest so far. But all in all I've really loved being the mom of twins.
Though there were times I wished that I felt as busy as everyone said I should feel. I kept thinking, "Is there something wrong with me? Do I make my husband do all the work? Do I pawn my children off too much?"
I couldn't figure out why, when the boys were at the ripe old age of 6 months, I wanted another baby? Why was I going through the whole emotional roller coaster of "I want to be pregnant. No I don't. Yes I do. No I really don't." Then the time of the month rolls around and I would want to cry because deep down I really was hoping I'd be pregnant.
It was insanity, and I knew it. Everyone told me not to, but I just couldn't deny the desire to have a child any longer. So we started to try, and low and behold it happened. And it happened fast. So fast it happened before the job loss, and loss of insurance. Before I knew I would have to return to work. Before we knew just how hard it would be for my husband to attain work- which still hasn't happened. Yes for a while it seemed the plan to have another child was worse then we could have imagined.
But now he's here. And I think I finally can say that this is hard. I spend all day trying to get dressed. Sometimes one simple chore of taking those grocery's downstairs can take me hours because in between the thought to do it and the actual action of doing it I have to feed a baby, get the twins lunch, pump, get the twins a drink, see why the baby is crying and go to the bathroom. My mom had the twins for a couple days, and I was actually kind of bored. But with them here life is a circus. I'm exhausted before I even wake up. I haven't even wanted to think about what to pack in the diaper bag if we attempt to go out for a day. But even with this insanity I find myself on the happy side. I'm happy finally knowing I've reached the limit of what I can take on. Knowing that I will be content and busy for a while raising my three children. Knowing that I actually have the desire to leave my children with a sitter and go out with my husband. I know it sounds crazy, but it does make me happy.
Of course, I can also feel the stress of the situation. The exhaustion, and I know there will probably be many breakdowns. At times I wonder if I can do it, but there really is no point in wondering because I have to do it no matter what. And I know I want to try to do it well.
My life may be crazy, but at least I'm content.
No comments:
Post a Comment