Confessions of an Imperfect Mom

I got the idea for this post from my friends blog post.

I read the article and it just got me thinking about why I started this blog in the first place.

At times I feel so inadequate as a mother. I have emotions that scare me and that make me wonder if I'm normal. I don't always follow the rules, or do things the ultimate best way that people suggest. I try my hardest to be a good mom, but I know there are times my children deserve a much better mom then me- Just the other day I had a real shining moment when one of the twins ate dirt, fell in a ditch full of irrigation water and ate paint.

I figure most woman have emotions like this and my hopes, with the blog, were:

1. To have somewhere to place my emotions and not keep them bottled up

and

2. Maybe help other mom's know they aren't the only one's that felt that way or went through that.

I've been accused of not knowing what a hard life is. People often think that my life has just been easy breezy with no struggles at all. They seem to think it's easy for me to look temptation in the eye and say no. They think because I am married my life is perfect. Some even believe that having twins upped my life another notch of perfection. Yes, for some reason people think life is just wonderful for me.

What these people didn't realize is that I did, and do, have struggles. That my weaknesses may not be the same as theirs, but I still have them. My trials may not look like theirs, but they are still a struggle to get through. And above all these people don't realize that you never assume someone's life is easy.

But because I had these people in my life I started to become an open book. I wouldn't hide my emotions from people. Of course, I always test the water but most the time, if I feel comfortable, I'll just put it out there. And most the time I find that others have felt the same way I did. I

also enjoy being around honest people too. People that can just say, "Yeah I had a hard time, but I don't think it makes me a bad person, so I don't mind telling you about it."

I hope that this blog has served it's purpose. I don't want people to be under the impression that my life is perfect. I don't want them to think I handle everything graciously and sweetly. I'm sure anyone that reads this blog doesn't have this impression, but I just wanted to make sure I don't come across that way.



Life is really hard right now. Once we get past the newborn hump I think we'll be fine, but until then everyday is an exhausting struggle. I get very agitated with all the men in my life. It's completely exhausting to try and just maintain the house. Maybe I should just let some things slide, but if I don't stay on top of them they get even more out of control and that just stresses me out more.

The new baby has been a new kind of difficult. It was very hard to bond with him, and there are still times that I wonder if I have. Most of the day I have a love/hate relationship with him. I love him to death, but I hate that he won't just take a nap and let me be. I hate that an hour after he eats he's crying that angry cry. I hate that if his binkie falls out he throws a fit. He really drives me crazy!

I wouldn't trade him for the world, and I can tell that he has a sweet little spirit,- which I love- but he seems so much more high strung then the twins. There are certain times of the day that I think, "I want to just leave and forget I ever had kids."

But then what would I do. Realize my dream of being a Broadway star? I don't think so. This life is hard, but I know I'm not going to find anything better out there.

I think I had a bit of postpartum depression with this baby. I even found it hard to enjoy the twins for a while after he was born. I'm finally starting to feel those little glimmers of joy that children bring into your life, and that is a nice feeling.



Even with the daily struggles I go through I am happy. Deep down I'm very happy with my life.