What I'm Grateful For

I have so many emotions I want to vent. And though I will probably still vent in this post I'd like to try and focus on what I am grateful for. I've been watching my children and thinking about my situation, and I've just started to see how well things have worked out in life. Even when everything seems wrong. Perhaps it is because of this time of year that I've stopped to think about what I'm grateful for. Perhaps my new perspective is an answer to a prayer. Either way I thought this would be a good Christmas time post. Here are the thoughts that have arisen in my head the past few days

My baby is still fussy. When he feels good he is so calm and so sweet. But he still has problems with gas and indigestion and so, yes, he is fussy a lot. I started to wonder why he was sent to me this time around. Why not first? That way I could pay more attention to him. That way I would have spaced my children better. So why didn't he come first or even later when I wasn't so stressed? Then I realized that the twins were great training for this little guy. The twins sort of fell into a schedule and I just enforced it. Had I not had that practice I may not have put this baby on a schedule at all, and I would have been even more miserable for longer. Also, when he's good he is so good I almost forget he's there. So it's probably good that he's a fussy because then I remember to give him attention too. It's also been such a gift for me to see that my skills as a mother really do help to improve a situation. Letting him cry and putting him on a schedule have helped things improve so much. I'm glad to know that I can take some credit for how good the twins are and how much better he is getting.

Yes the baby is hard, but I've recently noticed how nice he is in someways. Putting him on a schedule didn't seem as hard as it did with the twins. The twins were so sensitive to changes and everything had to be exact. The baby is more flexible, and it's easier to mickey mouse his day.

He is easier to get to sleep when I want him too. All I have to do is swaddle him and stick a binkie in his mouth. In fact the biggest frustration with him is getting him to stay awake because he cries so I just let him cry. But then he cries himself to sleep when I don't want him to sleep. At least his crying periods don't last more then 20 minutes- usually.

He is also good at riding in the car. The twins were awful in the car. They've gotten better, but they still can be miserable. I also like that he'll sleep anywhere as long as he's swaddled and has a binkie.

Sometimes, at nap time, I'll strap him in his car seat so then we can all just take off and go somewhere. The twins only sleep if they are in their own room, where they can't see anyone.

Of course the twins have their advantages too. They learn so quickly and they are so obedient. They have learned to clean up their dishes and get their own bibs. They also bring me diapers and bum cream when I'm changing someone. They just automatically started to do it. They've learned to throw things away and go put things in the sink when I ask them to. They love to help me unload the dishwasher. They've just recently learned how to climb into their booster seats. It's amazing how helpful that is. Just more reason's I'm lucky they were first.

My little boy is wonderful. Today, while I was changing the baby, he got some tissues and he was helping me wipe the baby's bum- luckily it wasn't too messy.

He usually is the one that gets into trouble. He likes to throw my laundry soap everywhere, get into drawers and places he doesn't belong and he has started to rearrange my storage room whenever he can get in there. But at the same time he is the most obedient of the two. If I ask him to do something he usually does. Where his twin brother just ignore's me.

My little boy is great and sharing too. If his twin brother is throwing a fit over a toy they both want then my little boy will let him have it. He also makes sure his twin brother his blankie, toys and food. But on the other hand he is known to throw huge tantrums if someone starts playing with one of his favorite toys. Even if he's not playing with it at the time.

My Big boy is wonderful as well. He is very laid back and will play quietly by himself all day. He probably wouldn't get into trouble if his twin brother weren't around to show him the ropes. He really just plays nicely with his toys Most of the time. But he is also harder to negotiate with. When he throws a tantrum it's hard to get him to calm down. He is very stubborn when it comes to listening to mom and doing as she says.

He is my little sweetheart though. And he is so thoughtful and kind. He brings me flowers and he always finds ways to make me feel special.

He's also very good with words. He has learned so much and he picked them up on their meanings so quickly. If I ask if he's poopy he will say, "Poopy Poopy" and that usually means he is.

I'm even grateful, in someways, for my situation. My husband is gone a lot. Four days out of the week he is gone from 8:00 in the morning until 10:00 at night. It may not sound so bad but it gets incredibly tedious. On Sunday nights every fiber of my being longs to make the day last loner, longs for Monday not to come and for my husband not to be gone so long. Someday's it takes all my strength to hold back the tears. I miss him terribly. And I miss him in ways that I never thought I would. I miss the company- that I expected. But I also just miss the support. The extra set of hands that can take over if I no longer have the strength or patience. I miss everything about him. But missing him makes our time together so much more wonderful. It helps me appreciate him so much more. As hard as it is to have him gone it's that much more wonderful to have him home.

Life is hard, but the hard times are when we grow. Sometimes I enjoy the challenge and the opportunity to learn, grow and become a better person.

I also enjoy knowing that I have these experiences to my name. Each experience gives me more insight into the feelings and emotions of others. I really do love that. I love that the more I go through the more empathetic and understanding I can be.

I also enjoy learning of the kindness of my friends and strangers. My friend read my blog and offered to watch the baby overnight to help relieve some of my stress. She's an amazing person. I really admire her and want to be more like her. It was just amazing that she saw my need for help and was willing to offer her time, and more, to help me out.

Other's have written me emails with suggestions and an understanding voice- often times that is all I need; someone to talk to that understands what I'm going through.

These actions truly make me feel so special. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I'm so blessed to have friends that can see my struggles and my needs, and they reach out a hand to help. All of you are answers to prayers.

I also enjoy that seeing kindness of strangers. The woman that held my baby at the ward party so I could eat. The man that helped me get the kids on the sidewalk when I went to the store by myself the other day. Those in my ward who helped me with the kids the other night at the activity. All are people I don't know very well, but were still more then will to help me out.

I'm also thankful to my family for all that they have done. Thank you to my Mother-in-Law for coming and helping with the kids. And for all the other times you visit and help us out. Thank you to my parents for keeping me company when my husband is at work, for helping me with my laundry and for watching my kids all the time so I can have a break.

Life is hard but I have so much to be grateful for! Thank you to everyone!

Cold or Flu? Neither.

My throat is sore and my voice is raspy. Could it be that I caught a bug? No. I've just been yelling at my children all morning. And when I say all morning I mean since 3:00 AM.

One of the twins kept waking up throughout the night. He was crying enough to be annoying but not enough to tire himself out. I tried to remain calm and concerned, but by the third time of having to get out of bed I had had it. Now a peaceful night of sleep was not only ruined by a child's crying, but by a mother's yelling. I gave him some Tylenol, changed his diaper,- even though it was clean- and put on his shoes- the kid has a thing for shoes. After which he finally slept peacefully through the night.

Well I told myself I wanted to have a good day because the early morning hours had not gone so well. But I just ended up having blow out after blow out.

• The first event took place when, after breakfast, my children refused, yet again, to say finished in any form. I have been working really hard on this one. "Say finished when you want down. Don't just throw your food on the floor!" That's my motivation. It took an hour and half to two hours one night to finally get them both to say finished to get down. And believe me my patience did not hold out that night. I had to put them in their room while I calmed down, and then strap them back in their boosters to finish the process. Since then one or the other has to be stubborn about saying finished, and it drives me batty.
• Next I came downstairs to do some blogging while the baby took his first nap. I was calm and happy. I finished blogging and retreated upstairs and kindly asked the twins to follow me so we could have lunch- they usually are capable of following such directions. The twins had been playing peacefully with their toys- which was amazing because they are usually playing with things they are not supposed to- and so I did a few things upstairs then went back downstairs to tell them, once again, to come get some lunch. Well, they weren't playing with their toys anymore. They were in the laundry room and they had, once again, gotten into the laundry soap. And they had, once again, thrown it all over the laundry room and the baskets of clean laundry. What makes this situation worse is that my husband makes our laundry soap so it is sort of a jelly like substance. My voice was not capable of yelling loud enough. I could not properly portray to my children just how upset I was. But boy did I ever try.
• Lastly was feeding the baby. A task which already lacks in the fun department, but which lacks even more when your child cries the whole time. He cries because he chokes. He chokes because he cries. It's a vicious cycle. The first attempt I got upset, yelled and put him in his room. Then I discovered that he was poopy- its hard to remember to check because I'm not used to him crying about things I can actually fix. I changed him and then proceeded to try and feed him again. He threw a fit. I discovered the cereal was cold. I warmed it up, but by then all hope was lost. He cried hysterically the whole time he was eating. I yelled hysterically the whole time he was eating. When we were finally done I put him back in his room so we could both cool down.

What a horrible day. It's strange how my temper can just switch on so fast. Some days I can feel it boiling. I can tell I'm just looking, almost hoping, for something to tick me off so I can just get good and angry. But other days I'm as calm as can be. I'm under control and handling things well. Then all of the sudden I loose it! I don't even see it coming. Today was a mix of both. And I don't enjoy either one, nor do my children.

At least my children are forgiving, and at least they don't remember how horrible I am- though in some cases that might do us both some good because then they would remember not to do the things that make me mad. But I still feel guilty when I think about how I was entrusted with such sweet spirits and all I can do is yell at them. I guess that's just motherhood. Frustrations will always arise. Making mistakes is just human nature. No one can do it perfectly. Tomorrow's a brand new day and I can try again to be the best mom that I can be.

I hope everyone enjoys their Thanksgiving. In light of the holiday season I wanted to share this

I hope you enjoy it. Have fun celebrating and eating. I'm so excited for this holiday season. What a wonderful time of the year!

What I'd Miss

I was thinking the other day about how hard it is to have 3 children, under the age of two, in the family. And I thought to myself, "I really can't think of any advantage to this."

Or can I?

I was changing one of the twins diapers, and the baby spit up, so I asked my little boy to go wipe up the baby while I finished with his brother. I beheld the sweetest sight in the world. Not only was he gentle, but he wiped up all the spit up- even what landed on the baby's arm. It truly amazed me!

There's a certain sweetness that comes from watching how mature a 20 month old child can be. It just amazes me to see what they are capable of. They rock the baby's car seat when he cries. The other day the baby was crying in his bassinet and one of the twins went in the room and patted him on the head. One night they played with the baby while he was in the swing. The pushed the swing way up, the baby would smile and the twins would smile back. It was so sweet to see three brother's so delighted with making each other smile. Then there was the night I was patting the baby's back to try and make him feel better, and one of the twins started to pat with me. It was just so cute.

The twins are both so attentive and good with their little brother. They always check on him when he cries, and they love to see him smile. Raising three children, under the age of 2, is an extremely difficult and trying time, but it's also wonderful in it's own way. If I could go back and change it I don't think I would.

Betrayal!

I used to tell people, "Their are three people who I trust, above all others, when it comes to advice: my Mom, my Dad and Dr. Phil."

I used to be a huge fan of Dr Phil's, but I haven't really been watching his show lately. Not because I've grown to dislike him. I just get caught up in watching other shows, and it's been so long since I've tuned in I don't even think about watching it anymore.

Well the other day I was flipping through channels, trying to find something to watch, and I came across the "Dr. Phil Show". I decided to see what the good old doctor had to say. Sadly, the more I watched the more disappointed I became. He had on a mom who's discipline tactics, he claimed, were abusive and uncalled for. The mom's techniques weren't one's I myself would use, but I didn't find them too terribly horrifying. The video was hard to watch, but watching other people discipline their kids is always hard because you're not in the situation. You haven't had to deal with the child's behavior over and over again until you get to the point that you're so frustrated you start pulling out all the stops.

My main point of disappointment came from the fact that no one was concerned about the mom. No one was asking, "What led to this? How did you get to this point? Are you happy with what you are doing or do you feel you need to change so you, and your child, can be happier?"

Instead they just tore her down. All I could think was, "This poor mom had the guts to expose herself to the world and ask for help, and all they can do is tell her how horrible she is. I'm sorry but I think we should be reaffirming that she is a good mom. And focus on the fact that if this behavior doesn't make her feel like she is being successful as a mom then, yes, lets try to fix it."

The reason why this happens? I'm going to be bold and say that the media is constantly taking power away from the parents, and giving it to the kids. We can hardly think of disciplining techniques anymore that won't have social services knocking at our door. Are there extremes? Yes! Do people get out of control? Yes! But I still think parents are loosing the right to raise good, obedient children.

I noticed it first in commercials. Commercials usually have scenarios where a kid is supposed to be cute and funny, but instead I think, "If that were my kid I'd be putting him in time out until he could learn to appreciate what he has."

My latest commercial rival is Toyota. Their latest ads drive me crazy and make me never want to purchase a Toyota.

OK so maybe I'm a black helicopter, conspiracy theorists, you name it. If you think I'm crazy you don't have to listen. But have you noticed what the media does with weight as well.

For example: "Bridget Jones' Diary".

I heard that Renee Zellweger was a size 13 when she filmed "Bridget Jones. . .", but the character's weight in the movie varies from 140 lbs to 160 lbs

When I'm 140 lbs I'm a size 8. When I'm 160 lbs I'm a size ten. So how is it that Ms. Zellweger, who is probably a good few inches taller than me, is a size 13 when she supposedly weighs between 140 lbs to 160 lbs?

I've seen other examples, but this is running long. I just pick up on things here and there, in the media, that really drive me bonkers so I had to get it out.

Brilliant!

I had a great idea today. I wanted to make brownies but I knew if I did I would addictive-ly eat the batter and probably feel all guilty and tell myself, "Well I just won't eat a brownie when dessert time rolls around." But then when dessert times does roll around I know I'm going to reach for that delicious brownie. What's a girl to do?

That's when I got my brilliant idea. I'll pop a bag of my reduced fat kettle corn to snack on while I make the brownies. That way I won't be as tempted to snack on the brownie batter. I have to say it worked beautifully. Better than I thought it would. Of course, I did still snick a lick of batter here and there, but I definitely had good self control. I was rather happy with myself.

In the spirit of being a good woman I will include the brownie recipe. It's posted on my new blog.

Where the Lost Things Go!

I think the legend of Brownies was created by a mom. A mom on the brink of madness trying to explain how on earth things could just up and disappear in her house. Since I can not think of a better explanation I thought perhaps I should write a letter to the Brownies politely asking for the return of some of my items.

Dear Brownies that live in my home,

If it wouldn't be too much trouble could you please return at least one, if not more, of these items I have found to be missing in my home?

• I would greatly appreciate the return of my sippy cup lids. And while we're on the subject why is it that you just take the lids and not the whole cup?
• Perhaps the Brownies are in need of syringes for the administering of medicine. If that be the case could we at least split them half and half? Or could you just let me keep the ones I buy from here on out?
• I know it must not be pleasant to listen to a crying child from your hiding place- where ever it may be. That is why I am requesting the return of my children's binkies. I think it would keep us both a little saner.
• Oh and if you have that last puzzle piece I've been searching for, the one that wasn't chewed on by the dog, I'd like that returned as well.

If it is not your fault that these things have gone missing I greatly apologize. If it wasn't you would you please tell me because I've been looking into investigating if it really was the dish that ran away with the spoon.

Sincerly,

Tricia S.

P.S. Why is it you leave our socks alone? Not that I'm complaining. Just that I'm curious.

Don't you love the help of small children in your home. Though I can't complain too much since my little boy loves to help me unload the dishwasher,- loading is another story, but it is dang cute how hard he tries to help me unload it- and he helps me make the bed. He also helps me loose things by putting them back where they go :)- why would I look there.

Dieting and Diapers

These two things don't really go together, but I wanted to post about both.

Dieting

I've been doing rather good on the diet lately. I've lost almost 20 pounds now. The road has been a little bumpy though. I went to the Doctors office for my six week check up and I had to weigh in, of course. Well my weight was about where I thought is was. Then I went into WIC and I had to weigh in there too. I found I had gained a pound or so since the doctors visit. This did not make me too happy. I had been starving myself for weeks. How could this be? That sent me into a bit of a relapse. I told myself, "Stupid diet! I'm so done with you. I'm just going to eat whatever I want because I'm not loosing weight anyway."

Shortly after that I got myself back on track. And after the Kidney infection passed the weight started to come off really well. Then my birthday hit. You know how when you start a diet its really really hard to eat less then you're used to, but after a couple of weeks your body adjusts and it becomes less hard? Well I feel like I'm at the beginning of my diet again. It has just been so hard to resist my delicious birthday cake that is sitting on the table staring at me. And I keep drinking diet soda after diet soda trying to resist my sweet cravings. I've kind of blown it this week. I tell myself, "I'm just taking a break for a week," or "I'm celebrating that the stress of the baby blessing is over and the fact that the baby is doing better." But when I get on the scale and see that I have gained three pounds I don't feel much like celebrating. I really need to try hard to get back on track.

Diapers

Well with the new baby cloth diapering has been a bit more of a challenge. I do still enjoy it for the most part. What I don't enjoy however? Cloth diapering a baby. I just can not get it to work. We stuff and we stuff and they still leak all over. And the poor baby's bottom starts to resemble that of an insect. It just does not look cute in any form. I can handle the twins diapers because for the most part they don't look any funnier then a regular diaper- in some ways I think they look cuter. But the baby's cloth diapered bum just does not look cute. Maybe it's a little petty, but with the stress a baby brings I like to enjoy the things I can, and one of the things I enjoy is looking at how cute they are in their clothes. He does not look cute in his clothes, however, when he has on a cloth diaper. I feel guilty that I don't try harder to make them work, and I feel bad spending money on diapers for him, but I think I'll wait until he's just a little older to start the cloth diapering game.

If there are any tips out there for cloth diapering a baby, as opposed to a toddler, please let me know.

P.S. I tried sham wow's in the diapers, but I have say I wasn't impresses. I'd put them in with a regular Gerber Diapers, and I was never overly amazed with their absorbency. Plus it seemed that they were giving the boys bad bum rashes- though I haven't had much luck in that area recently either and we stopped using sham wow's a while ago.

Basic Mom Style

I made a decision today. It's a decision I'm familiar with as a mother, and I don't know why it has taken me so long to make it. But it has a made a world of difference.

One thing I've always done as a mom is let my kids cry. When I put the twins on a schedule I just let them cry themselves to sleep. Sometimes it would take longer than I think most people would feel comfortable letting it go, but when I was in a patient mood I could stick it out to the bitter end, and they would cry themselves to sleep.

With newborns I'm a little different. I try not to let them cry. I just think for a while you have to just deal with the crazy newborn schedule. I try to give some leeway and save the "let them cry" stage for when i feel the are more ready for it. So with this baby I've been letting it go. It's just been so hard to tell if he's growing out of the newborn stage or not. And I also let it go because I knew he didn't feel good, and I didn't think I should let him cry if he was crying simply because he didn't feel good.

The hard thing about that is that I was exhausting myself and my patience. It just doesn't fit my mothering style to always be holding and calming a crying child. I try to have my children do as much as they can with as little interference from me as possible. Since I wasn't following my mothering way I think I was really wearing myself down. And I just kept thinking, "I'm not the type of mother that can handle a child that needs to be held, soothed, played with, etc. all the time. I don't think I was meant to be the mother of this baby."

Well today I made a decision. I took care of everything I could possibly think of with the baby. Then I went to set him down. He starts crying like he wants to eat. I just looked at him and said, "Well I'm done with feeding you every two hours. You should be growing out of the newborn eating habits by now, and you don't need to eat for another hour. I'm sorry but you're just going to have to cry."

Then I put him in his swing, covered him with a blanket, shut the door and turned my music way up. I then tried to find ways to keep myself busy, so I wouldn't concentrate on the crying. Amazingly, I was stress free. I could hear his crying, but I now knew it wasn't something I had to tend to, so it didn't make me anxious. He fell asleep within 15 or 20 minutes. It was amazing.

He woke up when it was regular feeding time. I fed him, burped him, checked his diaper, played with him for a bit and when he got fussy I put him in his swing and let him cry himself to sleep. It worked beautifully. I haven't felt this good as a mom for a long time. I didn't loose my temper or yell at anyone. I laughed and played with my children. I wasn't overly stressed with housework yet I still accomplished a lot. And it just amazes me that what made everything fall into place was not a medicine, new bottle or sleeping position, but instead it was something that I felt was so wrong to do to a child who doesn't feel good.

As the day went on he got calmer and calmer. By the end of the day I put him in his swing and he just calmly drifted off to sleep. It was absolutely beautiful.

Since the only pattern I've noticed with this child is that there is no pattern I'm not sure if this is something that will always work. And I know there will be times that I can't let the crying roll off my patience like water off a duck's back. But I really feel that this is a good decision, and I think it is going to make the relationship with this baby a much stronger one. It sounds a little strange that this will help me get closer to my child and help me feel like a better mother but I think it's just simply because this way I can enjoy him more.

New Blog!

Though I just vented about major stresses in my life I've decided to start another blog. Something simple, but that will give me a bit of a creative outlet.

Here it is if you want to check it out.

Feelings of Inadequacy

Becoming a mom was like finding that perfect job. But lately I've had a hard time finding what it was that made it so perfect.

I'm not placing blame on my children here. They are more perfect than anything. No, I'm placing blame on me. I'm the one that can't seem to climb back up the ladder of the joys of motherhood to view the wonders that only being a mother can bring.

I try to accomplish certain goals everyday: Take good care of the kids, find a good routine, find a balance between housework and enjoying the kids that everyone can be happy with and don't loose you temper.

Sadly these goals are far from being accomplished. This means almost everyday I disappoint myself in more then one way. Almost every day I feel I have failed.



I think if I could get the kids all in a routine I could handle it better. But there is just no such thing as a routine with the baby. One day he'll eat really well, he'll sleep for 3 and 1/2 to 4 hours and he'll be happy and content when he's awake. Then the next day he's just fussy, fussy, fussy. He'll only eat well half the time, it takes an hour or two to get all the burps out of him and just when I think I have got him content I lay him down and he starts to cry. At these moments I just want to cry, and I usually loose my temper

Then to top it off the twins are running around being their busy little selves. They get into everything that is not their toys. On a good day I can handle this because I have the energy and patience to just clean up the messes. But on the bad days I just scold them all day long. And, yes, I loose my temper with them too.



I know it's not anyone's fault. I know the baby is sick and in pain. But people act like that's a warm cozy blanket that should cover up all the problems and frustrations that arise from having to deal with a fussy baby. The truth is it's hard. No matter what the reason for his fussiness it's just hard.

And I know that what the boys are doing is just typical toddler behavior. But telling that to myself doesn't make my stress level go down.

Yesterday was a bad day. My husband pulled in late that night. He disregarded my blowout of a message I left on his answering machine- thank goodness- and came in and just talked to me. I told him, "I feel useless. I'm not a good mother anymore and you should just send the children to daycare because they would be better off there. I try so hard to take care of the house, and make sure there's food on the table, but there seems to be no point. The house is a disaster and nobody eats my cooking. I feel totally worthless and useless as a wife and a mother."

He, of course, consoles me and tells me I'm a good mom and a good wife. He then pulls out the leftovers from the night before and eats a hearty serving.

The men in my life are so great! They put up with so much from me. I yell and I scream, and they greet me with smiles and love that I don't feel I deserve. My baby will coo and goo, when he feels good, and give me delightful grins. Everyone says, "Are you telling momma that you love her?"



All I can think is I don't deserve that, and I don't know why he'd even recognize me as his mother. I've been nothing but horrible to him.

I'm really down and out. I feel like the only reason my twins turned out so well was because they were just simply good babies. And when I'm faced with a real challenge of a child I fail miserably. I long to feel the joys of motherhood again, but as each day passes all I can think is, "Maybe I'm just not as good at being a mother as I thought I was."

WHY?

Why can't I be the type of mother who snuggles her kids when they wake up crying in the middle of the night?

Instead I get frustrated and angry and demand that they go to sleep.

Yes, the other night I lost my temper when my children woke up several times during their nap, and again during the night. I was so upset with them, and at such a loss of what to do, I finally brought them upstairs into my bed where they finally drifted off to sleep. This, however, is a habit I don't want to start.

As a mother I'm a little rough around the edges. I don't like to let my children demand of me. But by doing so I sometimes forget that I need to be soft, caring and safe.

I've decided I need to try to be a little less selfish. You know how they say, "To make a marriage work both spouses must be selfless." I'm applying that to motherhood too. I don't plan on letting my children walk all over me, but I just need to think a little less of my needs and little bit more of theirs. I think it will bring a little more peace into our home.

Be on Your Best Behavior!

I have to admit I have not been on my best behavior lately. We finally got over the mountain of the baby's indigestion issues- gas drops and heart burn medicine seem to be working well- but then he started having bad days again. This did not make me too happy. I feel bad because he doesn't feel good. And then I feel bad for loosing my temper with him. I know he's not trying to make me angry but sometimes he hits this nerve just right and all my patience flies out the window.

Two days ago was a terrible day. He cried when I burped him, he cried when I fed him and he cried pretty much all through out the day. I know it's ridiculous to yell at a newborn, but sometimes I feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! " OK so maybe I don't always just feel like it I actually do it. I don't think I'm actually yelling at him. I think I'm just trying to find an outlet for all the emotions that are knotting up in my stomach. But that's not what I feel terrible about. The worst thing that happened was when I went to pick him up to burp him. I had to stop myself. If I picked him up I felt like, at that moment, I might hurt him. I've never been that angry before. I've been on the brink of being that angry. I've been scared of getting that angry, but I've never actually been that angry. I guess at least I was smart enough to stop myself.



So, evidently, I've been fighting a kidney infection for all week. This has caused me to be in a lot of pain, so much pain I wanted to just cry sometimes. Then to accompany that pain there are severe chills and shakes. I could hardly function when those came on. Then to top it all off I get a fever and night sweats. Those leave me soaked in the morning. Being sick definitely means that I can't give 100% to my kids, but I don't want it to be an excuse. I need to learn to just walk outside and take a break. Leave the crying baby in the crib and just take a break. I did it once and it actually felt really good. I felt really in control of myself, which is what I want to be.

I finally went to the Doctor to get treated for the infection- I thought I just hurt because my hips were out of place or something. Who knew my pain could actually be treated? The baby is doing much better now. We found a better way to give him his heartburn meds and that really seemed to help.

Having three kids is hard. I've heard that the third is always a real eye opener. It's so hard that when any of us aren't feeling good I get this horrible despairing feeling. I can barely handle the kids when we are healthy and happy. Just the mere though of having to handle something else on top of that just makes me want to cry.



On a different note, my husband has been hired at a care center. Of course this means that he has to be gone for over 12 hours a day, 4 days a week which will be difficult. I want to be very supportive so if anyone can lend a hand I'd greatly appreciate it. I did survive my first day without him though. And it was while I was sick. Of course, this morning I couldn't find the strength to do it again, but I didn't want him to have to miss work. Maybe if he just stayed home from school I'd be fine. His boss ended up letting him have the day off, which I am very grateful for!

Family Pictures

I love capturing memories, but why does it have to be so hard. My husband and I arranged a family photo shoot for my side of the family a couple of weeks ago. We got some beautiful pictures, but boy was I a monster all morning. I was yelling at my kids and getting frustrated with the baby- and everything else. My stupid hair wouldn't curl, and I couldn't find anything to wear. Then to top it all off one of the twins sweaters had a spot on it- he just wore it anyway.

So crazy is our lives before pictures that I wonder if it's worth it. I hope future generations can appreciate what I went through so they could enjoy one more photo ;)

P.S. My husband did a great job as our photographer that day!

1 month!

Yes it's been a month already since we welcomed our third son into the world- it's a little over a month now. And it was a rough month at that.

The first week was calm and easy. With the twins staying at Grandma's one baby didn't seem hard at all, and we hadn't noticed his sensitivity to formula yet.



The second week got a little rough. We started to notice he had gas and switched him to a formula for fussiness and gas. We didn't realize how well it was working until we switched him back to regular formula.

As the third week rolled around he seemed to be fussy all the time. He'd only sleep for an hour. You had to sit and rock him and hold his binkie in, and he was starting to throw up all over.



As we ended the fourth week life seemed better. But then again my husband had just spent a week home. As soon as he left the baby got fussy, the boys made messes and I couldn't get a minute just to put a load of laundry in.

Now we're here. You know how they talk about the calm after the storm? I guess that's what this is, and I'm so glad it finally came. Sometimes I break down, freak out, loose my temper and go crazy for a day. But then after that I seem happy and fine. Well instead of my break downs and freak outs only lasting a day they seemed to last a month. Every once and while I'd get an hour of calm after the storm, but it wouldn't last for long. But for the last two days I feel content, happy and a little relaxed again.



The baby gets more beautiful everyday- that probably sounds like a weird way to describe a boy, but he really is a pretty baby and he's just so nice to look at. He is definitely my husbands baby. My husband adores him, and I can tell they have a special bond.

The twins didn't make this month very easy either. They seemed to be very winy and they were always getting into things they weren't supposed to. They'd sleep in their beds really well one night and then the next night they'd keep getting up to play with toys. They were starting to really frustrate their mother with their crying and their messes. But now they seem to be happier too. And they are actually starting to play with one another, and show affection towards each other- as opposed to hitting and biting each other. From 12 months to 18 months has been the hardest with twins so far- at least for me- but now it looks like it will start getting better.

I have to say having two baby's the same age is definitely easier then having two babies very close in age. So all you ladies with Irish twins, my hat goes off to you ;)

Yeast Can be Such a Headache

It all started when the baby got thrush. We took him to the doctor and got some medicine.



Next thing I know I have a yeast infection.

Then the boys get unusually bad diaper rash's. We try everything to clear them up, but my little boy's just gets worse and worse. Soon the sores start bleeding and every diaper change is a poopy bloody mess. We took him to the doctor and he got some medicine.

Things just haven't gone well since then.


I mentioned my big boy threw up in the car on a family outing. Well we thought it was from getting car sick, but then he threw up twice that night. Then a few nights later his brother got sick and threw up all night long- sadly it was at grandma and grandpa's too. He threw up for half the next day too.



The twins stayed with my parents while we took the baby in for his circumcision. We tried giving him soy formula and he spit up twice that morning and once while we were waiting to see the doctor. We tell the doctor about our colicky, gassy baby and he recommends a formula called Nutrimigen. It is super expensive, but it has been working really well. Even though we buy the new formula the baby continue to spit up on everything. Blanket after blanket, sheets after sheets. We went through all of our sets of sheets, and both quilts for our bed. The laundry just kept piling up.

Here's the part where it gets confusing. Why did the twins both throw up? Did they have a virus? Their poop wasn't green and they never had a fever. Is it because of teeth? They are getting a couple in- and I'm hoping that is why they are so winy and unpleasant this week. Or could it have something to do with the 3 different yeast infections we all got?

Then there's the baby. First I thought he was grumpy because of the thrush. Then he continued to be fussy so we played the formula game. On regular formula he seemed to have bowel movements all the time, he'd never spit up and he'd have gas. On the sensitive he only poops once a day, but he passes the gas. Then we switched him to the soy. This time he pooped once a day, passed the gas and started to spit up all the time- but his brothers got sick and threw up around this time too, so did they all just have a virus? We put the baby on Nutrimigen and he still spits up a little, he still only poops once a day and he is passing the gas. Is it better to have him pass the gas, or is it better to have him not spit up? He seems to feel better on the Nutrimigen so I guess spitting up trumps having gas.

Was it the yeast that caused this downfall of not feeling good? Or is this the new standard for my children?

Call Me Vain

This post may seem a little vain, but I'm striving for some motivation. I was looking at some pictures of myself before I had children and boy was it an eye opener. So here I am displaying my vanity.

This is my husband and I while we were still dating.



Engagement



This is our lovely wedding day.



Us on our honeymoon.



The short period of marriage we had before kids.




Here we are the fall after we got married. I'm at the beginning of pregnancy with the twins.



I looked so much better in photos back then. Why didn't I appreciate that more?

Nowadays for me to feel good about a photo I have to spend an hour or two on hair and makeup, and even then I feel like it's slim pickings.

Me in this years Halloween costume



I understand that being a mother means your body takes on a whole different kind of beauty and I can appreciate that. I'm not saying I want to wear a bikini by next summer I just want to feel better about myself. I realize that stability in my self image shouldn't be tide up into my weight, but in someways it is.

When I look in the mirror I don't really look. I mostly just check to make sure there isn't a spot on my shirt or food in my teeth. I make sure my outfit looks good and that I don't have any embarrassing wardrobe mishaps, but I don't really look at myself because I don't want to feel the disappointment. That little bit of disappointment that I feel when I realize I'm not the young cute skinny thing I was. Yes beauty may take a different form, but it's still a little hard to accept myself as I am right now.

It's not all about looks either. It's about the health issue. I love the fast paced life me and my husband live, but I can feel it taking it's toll. I can see the tiredness in my eyes, and I can feel the aches in my body.

I'm sure we've all heard the story about how on an airplane the adult first puts on their breathing mask and then assists the child, and we're told to relate this to parenting. We see all the mothers on makeover shows that have neglected to care for themselves because they've been taking care of their family's needs first. We all know that sometimes mother's need to step back and say, "What about me?" It can't become a totally self involved thing, but every once in a while we need to take care of ourselves so we can continue to take care of our families.

So I'm taking care of me. I'm going to loose the weight this time. I'm going to be happy with how I look and feel. I want to see the woman my husband see's when I look in the mirror, so I'm going to diet and exercise.

So bare with me, as I share my journey on this blog. I've been dieting for almost 2 weeks. And it's been excruciatingly hard. I know food shouldn't be my stress release, but it is. I've been really trying to not cheat on my diet when the going gets tough. So far I've lost about 7 pounds, and I am about to where I was before baby 3. The real struggle, however, will be to get to where I was before the twins. I'm 20 pounds from that goal.

My favorite diet plan was weight watchers. Since I lack the money to join I sort of follow my own little system. A great snack to have are my made up burritos. You get two tortillas, black beans, sour cream, salsa, cheese and a lot of lettuce. I find it totally delicious, very filling and it doesn't take up a lot of points- referring to the weight watchers system.

So it may be vain, I may have poor self image and perhaps I shouldn't care because my husband can still look at me and call me beautiful, but I can't help it. I need to do this for me and, in the long run, for my family. Because we all know "If mom ain't happy ain't nobody happy!"

Mommy do This! Mommy do That!

Do you ever get tired of all the opposing words of advice you get as a mother.

One person says, "Lay them on their side." Another person says, "Lay them on their back."

One person says, "Start solids at 4 months." Another person says, "Wait until six months!"

I mean it really is quite the headache isn't it? Then to top it all off I spew my advice here :)

The best advice I can give for dealing with advice givers is have an advice filter.

The funny thing about all the advice is no matter how much you take and leave you're going to have take and leave a whole different set with each new child.

The twins were easy going babies. They're feedings were truly amazing. Even as newborns you could practically set a clock by them- every 3 to 4 hours on the dot. Then after they drank their bottle you would burp them, change them and lay them down and they would fall asleep.

The new baby, however, is a much different story. You feed him, burp him, feed him, burp him, change him, feed him and burp him. It can go on and on. His feedings will last for an hour or more sometimes. Then to top it off he's ultra sensitive. The regular formula gives him gas he can't pass. The sensitive gives him gas, but he can pass it. The soy gives him gas, he can pass it and it makes him spit up.

Along with that there's the bottle's and the nipples. Regular old bottles don't do the trick. And you can't just snag any old nipple. So far the Ventaire or Drop In's system- both from playtex- are the best. And you have to make sure you get a slow flow nipple or the gas and the fussiness is even worse.

When you finally get through a feeding you have to find the right position for him to sleep on. This position usually involves the Boppy and he usually has to be on his tummy. I know those are both "No no's" for sleeping, but I'm just trying to get through a day here. Usually I can manage to get him to sleep, but it's only for an hour or two and then he's up fussing again. Yes, no matter how much he eats,- sometimes 6 oz- he's up again within a 2 hours. This seems very unusual to me for a formula fed baby. But our conclusion- and the doctors too- is that he is getting gas pains and wakes up out of discomfort and thinks he needs to eat.

Oh and then there is the "How much should he eat" clause. Newborns are supposed to eat 2-4 oz every 3-4 hours or so. With the twins we would up their ounces if they started to wake up sooner then usual. But I heard that that was a big "no" and the amount our twins were eating by 2 months was way too much. But then you hear that, "Newborns are smart and they only eat as much as they need. They'll stop when they're full." Well I thought I'd try to keep this baby to the 2-4 limit to see if it helped anything. I threw that towel in pretty quick. Of course, it doesn't really matter because how much he eats changes with each feeding.

So here I am with my ultra sensitive and very demanding child thinking, "What on Earth do I try now?" I'm looking things up on the internet and asking doctors. We're rotating hips, rubbing tummies, bending legs and doing the football hold. It's almost like starting completely over.

The twins were so simple in a way. I didn't really have to search out or ask advice because we didn't run into many road blocks we couldn't get around ourselves. But the baby is taking me on a whole different ride. I'm now thinking, "I now understand why babies are so hard! If I would have had you first we definitely wouldn't have gotten pregnant again so soon." This, I hear, is a typical statement of mothers.

I must remember that, with parenting, there is right, there is wrong and then there is a whole bunch of gray. There's more then one way to raise a child, so I'll take the advice I need and do what I feel I have to do.

A Fun Tradition Gone South!

On Sunday we decided to take a family drive up the Canyon to see the leaves. We geared up and packed our bags so that the drive would be as enjoyable as possible. We grabbed snacks, binkies, bottles, blankets and toys. We piled into the car and headed out.



As we drove up the canyon I couldn't help but be a little disappointed in the leaves. There were some beautiful sights, but it just didn't seem quite as breath taking as it had before. But still we drove on.



Later my disappointment in the outing grew. Not because of the leaves but because of the fussy boy in the back. One of the twins was pulling his usual cranky "I'm going to whine instead of just fall to sleep" routine. We drove on.



Next the baby began to fuss. Of course he did because it was time for him to eat and the hypnotic sensation of driving in the car does not hold this baby over like it did for my other children. Now we were getting truly miserable, but boy was I ever trying to hold on to enjoying this afternoon activity.



We took the turn out for Cascade Springs- our favorite place to visit in the fall- and my husband took the corners like a mad man, as we rushed to get to our destination so we could comfort the crying children.

My big boy was getting crankier and crankier. I'm thinking, "That darn child makes any car ride so miserable I'm sick of it. When we stop he's going to sit in time out. . .or get spanked. . .or something!"



I get more and more frustrated. The cries, and my voice get louder and louder. Then it happened. My big boy threw up all over himself. Instantly I felt the grief. Here I was yelling at him and the whole time the poor thing had an upset tummy. Boy he must have been miserable. I would have been crying too.



We finally reached Cascade Springs, and we got the child all cleaned up and ready to go. Sadly our day just never healed. After all our packing and preparing we left the stroller at home. We didn't have a carrier for the baby either, so he rode in the diaper bag. Cascade Springs didn't present us with it's usual fall splendor, and the children were all very very cranky.



But there was still some fun sights, and we did still manage to enjoy ourselves a little. I guess it wasn't a total bust. It's probably as fun as any family outing will be from here on out.

How you ask. . .I do not know

We've been putting the boys down in there beds at bedtime, and then as soon as they climb out and start playing we put them in their cribs. We really don't need the transition to happen right now, and I really didn't know if they were ready, so we didn't push it too hard. Which is why I was shocked when, on the third night of this nightly routine, the boys stayed in their beds. They did it the next night too. And the next day at nap time. I still can't believe it.



I did hear that bedtime routines were important for transitions like these. We did have a routine- PJ's, bottles and music- and I added a bedtime story to see if that would help them settle in their beds. But I don't really know if the routine- or the story- is what made the transition happen or not.


P.S. My big boy did fall off the top bunk twice.

P.P.S. He now won't get of anything by himself no matter how close it is to the ground.

I really enjoyed reading this post today.

Sometimes as a mother I forget who it is that prey's an my negative emotions, and who it is that tries to use them to destroy me and my family. I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who sends me the reminders I need!

Confessions of an Imperfect Mom

I got the idea for this post from my friends blog post.

I read the article and it just got me thinking about why I started this blog in the first place.

At times I feel so inadequate as a mother. I have emotions that scare me and that make me wonder if I'm normal. I don't always follow the rules, or do things the ultimate best way that people suggest. I try my hardest to be a good mom, but I know there are times my children deserve a much better mom then me- Just the other day I had a real shining moment when one of the twins ate dirt, fell in a ditch full of irrigation water and ate paint.

I figure most woman have emotions like this and my hopes, with the blog, were:

1. To have somewhere to place my emotions and not keep them bottled up

and

2. Maybe help other mom's know they aren't the only one's that felt that way or went through that.

I've been accused of not knowing what a hard life is. People often think that my life has just been easy breezy with no struggles at all. They seem to think it's easy for me to look temptation in the eye and say no. They think because I am married my life is perfect. Some even believe that having twins upped my life another notch of perfection. Yes, for some reason people think life is just wonderful for me.

What these people didn't realize is that I did, and do, have struggles. That my weaknesses may not be the same as theirs, but I still have them. My trials may not look like theirs, but they are still a struggle to get through. And above all these people don't realize that you never assume someone's life is easy.

But because I had these people in my life I started to become an open book. I wouldn't hide my emotions from people. Of course, I always test the water but most the time, if I feel comfortable, I'll just put it out there. And most the time I find that others have felt the same way I did. I

also enjoy being around honest people too. People that can just say, "Yeah I had a hard time, but I don't think it makes me a bad person, so I don't mind telling you about it."

I hope that this blog has served it's purpose. I don't want people to be under the impression that my life is perfect. I don't want them to think I handle everything graciously and sweetly. I'm sure anyone that reads this blog doesn't have this impression, but I just wanted to make sure I don't come across that way.



Life is really hard right now. Once we get past the newborn hump I think we'll be fine, but until then everyday is an exhausting struggle. I get very agitated with all the men in my life. It's completely exhausting to try and just maintain the house. Maybe I should just let some things slide, but if I don't stay on top of them they get even more out of control and that just stresses me out more.

The new baby has been a new kind of difficult. It was very hard to bond with him, and there are still times that I wonder if I have. Most of the day I have a love/hate relationship with him. I love him to death, but I hate that he won't just take a nap and let me be. I hate that an hour after he eats he's crying that angry cry. I hate that if his binkie falls out he throws a fit. He really drives me crazy!

I wouldn't trade him for the world, and I can tell that he has a sweet little spirit,- which I love- but he seems so much more high strung then the twins. There are certain times of the day that I think, "I want to just leave and forget I ever had kids."

But then what would I do. Realize my dream of being a Broadway star? I don't think so. This life is hard, but I know I'm not going to find anything better out there.

I think I had a bit of postpartum depression with this baby. I even found it hard to enjoy the twins for a while after he was born. I'm finally starting to feel those little glimmers of joy that children bring into your life, and that is a nice feeling.



Even with the daily struggles I go through I am happy. Deep down I'm very happy with my life.