Dear Mom. . .

Our relationship has come along way. I don't know how it happened, but suddenly you are the person that understands. The person that's easy to talk to. Now I realize you always were. We have shared many similarities in our lives. I always thought you didn't understand me, but sometimes your the only one that does. I guess that's what happens when people are similar.

I'm writing you now because I hurt. I hurt all the time. I laugh, I smile, I go on with life, but the pain still lingers. I've been working on it. I have over come some of it. I've seen my way through it. But healing can be exhausting. Sometimes I just need a sounding board to help me through. This letter isn't addressed to you but it was just easier for me to write it this way.

How do you get through something like this? I just don't know. I learn a little each day. I feel a little hope each day. But then things happen. Strange things come up. Things remind me that I never thought would. Similar stories from co-workers, who don't know my story, make me want to crawl into a corner and cry. Feeling is part of it.

It's part of healing. But everyday is a roller coaster of ups and downs. I'm on top of the hill and there is no getting off. In fact, getting off would cause more pain because wounds that might have a chance to heal could stay opened forever.

I just want to know I'm cherished. I just want to know I'm loved. Am I worth loving? I work so hard everyday to try and be someone who is worth loving. I try to fix the flaws I know make it hard for people to be around me. Things I do that I know aren't right. It can be exhausting. And sometimes I just can't do it anymore. But when I slip, when I let go, how do I know it won't add to a pile of dirty clothes I don't know exists. That it won't fill his heart with anger and resentment that he'll just hold against me. That's the worst part. Not being able to trust in that forgiveness.

It's hard. It's hard to be praised. It's hard to have people say what I'm doing is amazing. I don't feel that way. I see how badly I act. I see the damaging things I do. I want so badly to say I'm not that person. I'm not the person that yells and screams at the top of her lungs. That insults in anger and rage. That can't stop the destructive words from leaving her mouth. I know what I can be. And it doesn't always feel amazing.

Do you remember that day? Do you remember how I called you and Dad? How I couldn't breath? How the words couldn't escape my mouth? I hate that day. I hate to think of it. Some people say I will look back on it as a blessing. I don't know if that's true. I don't know what I would do without that day but I hate the pain that comes from thinking about it. Sometimes I wish it didn't have to exist.

Our family has been through a lot. A lot of dramatic situations have entered our lives throughout the generations. We all carry wisdom that is priceless. Wisdom that sometimes we wish we didn't have. But it is wisdom that has given us character and strength. Look at us. We still smile. We still laugh. Some people would probably ask how. I don't think we know. But I'm glad that I've been blessed with that ability. I'm glad I am your daughter.

Things are a part of my life that I don't want to be. People are there that shouldn't be-- not physically, but in my mind. I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my trial. I can't believe the me that came out of it. Who is that person? I never knew. Who knew I was capable of smiling through such heartache? If I can do that then I know I can get through this pain. But sometimes the pain is just too much to keep contained in my heart. Sometimes I need to write it down. I need to cry about it. I need to see it so I can just work though it.

I love my family. I love my husband. I love my kids. I don't know if I would choose this life twice, but I do know I don't regret it.

I love you mom. Thank you for listening to the hard conversations. For letting me complain about things you may wish you could just stay out of. I know it's hard to be a parent. And I know I haven't made it any easier. But hopefully we both know that from these hard situations we have chosen to become better, not worse.



Pictures by: Tilt Photography

Slumps and Ruts are No Match for Good Holiday Fun!

In recent posts I wrote about being sort of caught in a slump, or stuck in a rut. Since then we've been trying to keep ourselves entertained, and active.

One night, unwilling to face the most certain boredom of having to be alone with the kids while my husband went to work, I decided to take a jaunt to the dollar store. The boys got to pick out one thing each to buy. I didn't realize how wonderful the dollar store can be. They really have a lot of great things there. Well, great for someone on a budget-- or someone who is just dirt poor. I mean there were fun Halloween decorations, flash cards and work books and I even found some toy guns for mine and my husbands Halloween Costumes.

We also did some fun projects. We talked about our skeletons while we made skeletons out of paper plates. We even cut little shapes out for the eyes, nose and mouth and had the boys name them.



We also painted these leaves to hang up in the boys' room. We mixed light karo syrup with food coloring and used q-tips to paint it on. Warning: it is very sticky, even after it has dried for a couple days. I got the idea after subbing in a class one day. The teacher did this as an art project. One of the twins found this to be an especially tasty art project. He kept dipping his finger in the yellow. YUM!



For future reference, cut out the leaves first, glue them on paper, then paint.

We have also been enjoying our local canyons.

We drove up one on of our favorites on Sunday.



And today we took a fun walk, on the parkway trail, in the canyon by our house.




We still watch movies, A LOT! But we are getting back into the swing of things, and doing our best to make the most of one of our favorite times of the year!

Beware of Saturday the 14th

For who knows how long there has been a superstitious belief that Friday the 13th is a day of bad luck. Well I am here to put those fears to rest. The real day to worry about is Saturday the 14th. It's true! When I was a young preteen my friend and I made the discovery that Saturday the 14th really was a day not to be messed with. And that still holds true. Now, I'm not a superstitious person, but I still find it odd that most of my Saturdays the 14th are filled with incidents of bad luck.

This Saturday the 14th proved no differently.



The day started like any other. I noticed it looked stormy outside, but within an hour it started to clear and I had hopes of enjoying a lovely spring day. I woke up the children and found the baby to be soaked. That's OK though because his diapers sometimes have a hard time making it through the night. I cleaned him up and got everybody breakfast. Then I went to change my twins. They smelled of pee. I discovered the problem. The cloth diaper they were wearing was not packed for overnight. I was going to just change their clothes and call it good, but they smelled so bad I threw them in the tub to take a quick shower. Then I put there clothes in the sink to soak. One twin didn't like the shower so I got him out quickly. The other wanted to stay in. I went to check on the twin that got out. He had peed on my bed. I guess I will be changing my sheets today.

As I pulled the sheets off, and went to throw them downstairs, I stepped in a puddle of water. My immediate thought was the twin in the shower, but he was not the culprit. The truly guilty one was the overflowing sink which I had left on, in order to soak the boys clothes. The bathroom was flooded beyond words. I grabbed some towels. I began to get a little frustrated at this point.

I went downstairs and threw the bedding in the washer and went to clear off my memory card. We were going on a fun outing and I wanted to be sure I had room enough for all the new pictures. While that was a joke and a half. My husband just switched computers and I had to do a little song and dance to finally get the pictures switched over. Then I heard a crash. The baby had fallen off the bed.



I went upstairs to make sure he was OK and sat him back on the bed, towards the middle. Then went downstairs to complete some more tasks before it was time for us to go on our outing. Well I found the boys' room had reaped some of the flooding from the sink upstairs. There was a nice sized puddle that I had to clean up. And then I heard another crash. The baby had fallen off the bed again. I went upstairs and sat him on the floor this time.

Finally my dad come to pick us up and take us to a local grocery store that was holding a "Pirate Party", in celebration of the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie. See, my husband was at work all weekend so my Dad came to help me get there all in one piece. I was a little frazzled and apologized for not being ready. I started to put the baby in his car seat when I noticed some red stuff all over his cute pirate outfit. What had I given him that could've gotten his outfit all dirty like this. Then I realized it was blood. So I cleaned up the outfit, found the cut on his finger and cleaned that up as well. Then I went to get the twins shoes and came back to find that they both had pooped. I changed their diapers and out the door we went.



That bright sunny day, I was telling you about, had now turned back into a dark and cloudy one, literally. There was thunder and lightening the whole drive to the grocery store-- which was in a different city. One lightening bolt came so close I swear it hit the freeway.

We finally arrived at the "Pirate Party". We had just gotten everyone out of the car when a big gust of wind came up and wreaked havoc on all the cabanas and blow up toys they had set up. One man walked by and said, "We're shutting down!"

Well my mom got the boys some tattoos. I took a picture of my nephew by the pirate ship, and someone brought me a plate of food. My mom asked if I wanted to get a picture of the boys by the Pirate ship I said sure, but in doing so I lost my uneaten plate of food to another gust of wind. The employees were anxious to get the Pirate ship down, so with all the fuss, to get the boys to look and to not throw fits, I didn't get a very good picture.

We migrated inside and my mom helped me clean up my shirt-- which was now stained with blood from the baby and some chocolate from the Popsicle the twins had. She apologized for the mess with the "Pirate Party" and for not telling me to come sooner. I told her, "It's just been that kind of a day. This just goes along with the rest of it."

After sharing my woes with someone, and enjoying a nice lunch, the rest of the day didn't seem quite so bad. Even when the baby pooped up his back and the weather decided to be bipolar it still didn't get me down like it did earlier. It's funny how the bad seems so horrible when I'm going through it, but as soon as its over I can't help but think, "That was it? It's over? Why did I get so upset?"

It's Just Being a Mom

There's ups and downs, high and lows. Sometimes you feel like you deserve a medal. Sometimes you feel like your kids should be taken away for their own good. It's all part of being mom.

My mommy experiences as of lately:

The family ran some errands last Monday, and we ended up having to stop for some lunch. We stopped at a Carls Jr in Provo- which has an awesome playplace by the way. I knew one of the twins needed a bum change so I took him to the bathroom. Well I forgot wipes, so back we went to get the wipes. The other twin followed us back to the bathroom. I took the dirty cloth diaper off and set it on the floor until I could rinse it out. I cleaned up the boy and the diaper cover, put on a fresh diaper, snapped his onesie and I was about to set him down until I noticed something funny on the floor. The other twin had stepped in the poopy diaper I had set on the floor and now there was lovely poopy shoe prints decorating the floor of the ladies room. Luckily the trail wasn't long, and I was able to wipe it up pretty quickly. Cleaning up his shoe was another story. I finally got that clean then decided to check his diaper. Well he'd been sick so he had some diarrhea and it had fried his bum and I, of course, forgot to grab some diaper cream for him. What to do? My husband was there, but he had to watch the baby so he, even if I called him, wouldn't be able to bring it to me. I'm not good at following the "don't leave your child unattended" rule. I'll take a trip to the garbage or go wash my hands while the kid lays on the table. But leaving him alone in the bathroom, bare bottomed, while I walk across the restaurant to grab some diaper cream was a little to rebellious for my taste. I had but one resource: his brother. Quickly I tried calling my husband. His phone was dead, of course. So I poked my head out the door to try and get his attention. Low and behold he was looking for me as well. Apparently he didn't know both the boys had followed me to the bathroom. Boy was he relieved! I then sent the bigger twin to him and told him to send him back with some diaper cream. I was just going to wait right outside the door for my big boy to come back, but another customer went into the restroom, so I went inside to wait with my half naked child that was awaiting his diaper change. A few minutes later I went to check on the other twin to see if he was headed my way with the cream. Well, there he was standing right outside the door with the cream in hand. Oh, it was the sweetest thing in the world! I then sent him back to his Dad, finished up with the other twin and went to join the rest of the fam for lunch. I was so proud of my big boy that day. He got just a little bigger in my eyes.



As I mentioned my little boy was sick. Well we've had our fill of sick kids around here. First it was the littler twin. We had 3-4 days of diarrhea, bum burns and vomiting. Half of it took place in the middle of the night. He finally got better, and then the next week his brother came home from a drive with Grandma and Grandpa and threw up all over the floor. "Maybe he got car sick," my parents said. I could only hope, but hope wasn't enough. He was sick. More vomiting, but less bum burn than his brother. His illness was wrapping up just as the littler twin started to get sick again. This time a lovely gagging cough. One sleepless night was full of crying and coughing every half hour. I got so fed up I took them upstairs to lie in bed with my husband and I slept on the couch. When my husband left for work I got into bed with the twins. Only something was different. The sheets had been changed. Apparently we the bigger twin had one more night of vomiting to get over. When I got into bed my little boy was coughing and gagging. It was so sad. He didn't wake up but it still broke my heart. I pulled out some vapor rub and that seemed to help relieve him.

I'm not opposed to having more children until my children get sick. Each time we add a child to the family it's one more sick child we have to deal with. At least illness' don't last forever. I just wish that they all could get sick at the same time so we could just get it over with. Why does it have to be one each week. I just keep praying that the baby doesn't end up sick now.

My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It feels like we've been married forever. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that we just seem mature as a couple- not as individuals :). My parents are out of town and we couldn't get a babysitter, so we celebrated with the children. The screaming, crying, pooping children. My big boy woke up hysterical from his nap. He had pooped and it was still kind of in the diarrhea stage. It had ran all down his leg and he was very upset. I was cleaning him up and he was hitting me because he was so upset. It's one of the ways he throws a tantrum. I just tell him to fold his arms and use his words and one of those words has to be "Sorry". If it gets really bad I stick up in time out- though that wasn't an option at this particular time. I got him all cleaned up and then the littler twin wondered upstairs bawling for some reason. I stuck them both in the bath, and went to attend to the baby who was now crying- he'd been left alone for too long. Now, I'd have to hold the baby or listen to him cry hysterically. Once he gets past a certain point of the "I've been neglected" cry there is no going back. Eventually we just had to put him in his room to cry until it was dinner time. I was hoping my husband could offer some helping hands with getting our anniversary dinner on the table, but he had to attend to the crying children. Despite all this, I did manage to get dinner on the nicely set table. The kids even calmed down and we sat down to enjoy our delicious food. My husband poured the Martinelli's and passed the Alfredo. As I reached for the pasta I knocked my glass, full of sparkling cider, right into the Alfredo sauce. A small part of me wanted to laugh. A bigger part of me wanted to cry. Neither one won. I was so worried that sauce was ruined. I sprinkled in some Parmesan cheese, and all was well. The apple cider gave it a nice subtle sweet after taste. The night was rather enjoyable. I just have to laugh at all the mishaps. This anniversary was a taste of what anniversaries as a parent will probably be like from now on.



Oh I forgot to mention that my husband and I also caught a movie for our anniversary. We went the day before to see "Tangled". We wanted to catch a Matinée so that it would be cheaper, but that once again left us with no sitter. We braved it with all three children. The theater was empty except for one guy, who also had a kid with him. I was nervous. I didn't know how it would be with all three kids, but it ended up going very smoothly. The theater was dark, so feeding the baby and tracking the twins lunch down was a little hard. But I still could not have asked for it to go better. I was so prepared for having to leave every five seconds with one kid or the other, but the only time I had to leave was when I needed to get water for the baby's bottle.

I must also mention that the twins are finally paying attention to movies now. They ask to watch "The Leapfrog Letter Factory" movie everyday. The minute the wake up all you hear is "Moofie Moofie," until you turn it on. You can distract them here and there with some music for dancing or a nice meal or snack. But other than that from breakfast time to bed time its, "Moofie, Moofie, Mofie". And if you don't turn it on they'll push buttons, play with remotes and pull cords until you do turn it on. I have to admit I get really tired of watching the "Moofie". Sometimes I can get them into a show on PBS, or anther Leapfrog movie, but nothing satisfies like "The Letter Factory". I can usually tune it out, but I still get bugged that I can't at least watch the news. When I can't watch the news I start to feel really cut off from the outside world. But still my heart smiles a little each time when the menu for the "Moofie" comes on and boys start making the letter sounds. No matter how many times I see it it's still cute!

Family Pictures

I love capturing memories, but why does it have to be so hard. My husband and I arranged a family photo shoot for my side of the family a couple of weeks ago. We got some beautiful pictures, but boy was I a monster all morning. I was yelling at my kids and getting frustrated with the baby- and everything else. My stupid hair wouldn't curl, and I couldn't find anything to wear. Then to top it all off one of the twins sweaters had a spot on it- he just wore it anyway.

So crazy is our lives before pictures that I wonder if it's worth it. I hope future generations can appreciate what I went through so they could enjoy one more photo ;)

P.S. My husband did a great job as our photographer that day!