Feelings of Inadequacy

Becoming a mom was like finding that perfect job. But lately I've had a hard time finding what it was that made it so perfect.

I'm not placing blame on my children here. They are more perfect than anything. No, I'm placing blame on me. I'm the one that can't seem to climb back up the ladder of the joys of motherhood to view the wonders that only being a mother can bring.

I try to accomplish certain goals everyday: Take good care of the kids, find a good routine, find a balance between housework and enjoying the kids that everyone can be happy with and don't loose you temper.

Sadly these goals are far from being accomplished. This means almost everyday I disappoint myself in more then one way. Almost every day I feel I have failed.



I think if I could get the kids all in a routine I could handle it better. But there is just no such thing as a routine with the baby. One day he'll eat really well, he'll sleep for 3 and 1/2 to 4 hours and he'll be happy and content when he's awake. Then the next day he's just fussy, fussy, fussy. He'll only eat well half the time, it takes an hour or two to get all the burps out of him and just when I think I have got him content I lay him down and he starts to cry. At these moments I just want to cry, and I usually loose my temper

Then to top it off the twins are running around being their busy little selves. They get into everything that is not their toys. On a good day I can handle this because I have the energy and patience to just clean up the messes. But on the bad days I just scold them all day long. And, yes, I loose my temper with them too.



I know it's not anyone's fault. I know the baby is sick and in pain. But people act like that's a warm cozy blanket that should cover up all the problems and frustrations that arise from having to deal with a fussy baby. The truth is it's hard. No matter what the reason for his fussiness it's just hard.

And I know that what the boys are doing is just typical toddler behavior. But telling that to myself doesn't make my stress level go down.

Yesterday was a bad day. My husband pulled in late that night. He disregarded my blowout of a message I left on his answering machine- thank goodness- and came in and just talked to me. I told him, "I feel useless. I'm not a good mother anymore and you should just send the children to daycare because they would be better off there. I try so hard to take care of the house, and make sure there's food on the table, but there seems to be no point. The house is a disaster and nobody eats my cooking. I feel totally worthless and useless as a wife and a mother."

He, of course, consoles me and tells me I'm a good mom and a good wife. He then pulls out the leftovers from the night before and eats a hearty serving.

The men in my life are so great! They put up with so much from me. I yell and I scream, and they greet me with smiles and love that I don't feel I deserve. My baby will coo and goo, when he feels good, and give me delightful grins. Everyone says, "Are you telling momma that you love her?"



All I can think is I don't deserve that, and I don't know why he'd even recognize me as his mother. I've been nothing but horrible to him.

I'm really down and out. I feel like the only reason my twins turned out so well was because they were just simply good babies. And when I'm faced with a real challenge of a child I fail miserably. I long to feel the joys of motherhood again, but as each day passes all I can think is, "Maybe I'm just not as good at being a mother as I thought I was."

Yeast Can be Such a Headache

It all started when the baby got thrush. We took him to the doctor and got some medicine.



Next thing I know I have a yeast infection.

Then the boys get unusually bad diaper rash's. We try everything to clear them up, but my little boy's just gets worse and worse. Soon the sores start bleeding and every diaper change is a poopy bloody mess. We took him to the doctor and he got some medicine.

Things just haven't gone well since then.


I mentioned my big boy threw up in the car on a family outing. Well we thought it was from getting car sick, but then he threw up twice that night. Then a few nights later his brother got sick and threw up all night long- sadly it was at grandma and grandpa's too. He threw up for half the next day too.



The twins stayed with my parents while we took the baby in for his circumcision. We tried giving him soy formula and he spit up twice that morning and once while we were waiting to see the doctor. We tell the doctor about our colicky, gassy baby and he recommends a formula called Nutrimigen. It is super expensive, but it has been working really well. Even though we buy the new formula the baby continue to spit up on everything. Blanket after blanket, sheets after sheets. We went through all of our sets of sheets, and both quilts for our bed. The laundry just kept piling up.

Here's the part where it gets confusing. Why did the twins both throw up? Did they have a virus? Their poop wasn't green and they never had a fever. Is it because of teeth? They are getting a couple in- and I'm hoping that is why they are so winy and unpleasant this week. Or could it have something to do with the 3 different yeast infections we all got?

Then there's the baby. First I thought he was grumpy because of the thrush. Then he continued to be fussy so we played the formula game. On regular formula he seemed to have bowel movements all the time, he'd never spit up and he'd have gas. On the sensitive he only poops once a day, but he passes the gas. Then we switched him to the soy. This time he pooped once a day, passed the gas and started to spit up all the time- but his brothers got sick and threw up around this time too, so did they all just have a virus? We put the baby on Nutrimigen and he still spits up a little, he still only poops once a day and he is passing the gas. Is it better to have him pass the gas, or is it better to have him not spit up? He seems to feel better on the Nutrimigen so I guess spitting up trumps having gas.

Was it the yeast that caused this downfall of not feeling good? Or is this the new standard for my children?

A Fun Tradition Gone South!

On Sunday we decided to take a family drive up the Canyon to see the leaves. We geared up and packed our bags so that the drive would be as enjoyable as possible. We grabbed snacks, binkies, bottles, blankets and toys. We piled into the car and headed out.



As we drove up the canyon I couldn't help but be a little disappointed in the leaves. There were some beautiful sights, but it just didn't seem quite as breath taking as it had before. But still we drove on.



Later my disappointment in the outing grew. Not because of the leaves but because of the fussy boy in the back. One of the twins was pulling his usual cranky "I'm going to whine instead of just fall to sleep" routine. We drove on.



Next the baby began to fuss. Of course he did because it was time for him to eat and the hypnotic sensation of driving in the car does not hold this baby over like it did for my other children. Now we were getting truly miserable, but boy was I ever trying to hold on to enjoying this afternoon activity.



We took the turn out for Cascade Springs- our favorite place to visit in the fall- and my husband took the corners like a mad man, as we rushed to get to our destination so we could comfort the crying children.

My big boy was getting crankier and crankier. I'm thinking, "That darn child makes any car ride so miserable I'm sick of it. When we stop he's going to sit in time out. . .or get spanked. . .or something!"



I get more and more frustrated. The cries, and my voice get louder and louder. Then it happened. My big boy threw up all over himself. Instantly I felt the grief. Here I was yelling at him and the whole time the poor thing had an upset tummy. Boy he must have been miserable. I would have been crying too.



We finally reached Cascade Springs, and we got the child all cleaned up and ready to go. Sadly our day just never healed. After all our packing and preparing we left the stroller at home. We didn't have a carrier for the baby either, so he rode in the diaper bag. Cascade Springs didn't present us with it's usual fall splendor, and the children were all very very cranky.



But there was still some fun sights, and we did still manage to enjoy ourselves a little. I guess it wasn't a total bust. It's probably as fun as any family outing will be from here on out.

Confessions of an Imperfect Mom

I got the idea for this post from my friends blog post.

I read the article and it just got me thinking about why I started this blog in the first place.

At times I feel so inadequate as a mother. I have emotions that scare me and that make me wonder if I'm normal. I don't always follow the rules, or do things the ultimate best way that people suggest. I try my hardest to be a good mom, but I know there are times my children deserve a much better mom then me- Just the other day I had a real shining moment when one of the twins ate dirt, fell in a ditch full of irrigation water and ate paint.

I figure most woman have emotions like this and my hopes, with the blog, were:

1. To have somewhere to place my emotions and not keep them bottled up

and

2. Maybe help other mom's know they aren't the only one's that felt that way or went through that.

I've been accused of not knowing what a hard life is. People often think that my life has just been easy breezy with no struggles at all. They seem to think it's easy for me to look temptation in the eye and say no. They think because I am married my life is perfect. Some even believe that having twins upped my life another notch of perfection. Yes, for some reason people think life is just wonderful for me.

What these people didn't realize is that I did, and do, have struggles. That my weaknesses may not be the same as theirs, but I still have them. My trials may not look like theirs, but they are still a struggle to get through. And above all these people don't realize that you never assume someone's life is easy.

But because I had these people in my life I started to become an open book. I wouldn't hide my emotions from people. Of course, I always test the water but most the time, if I feel comfortable, I'll just put it out there. And most the time I find that others have felt the same way I did. I

also enjoy being around honest people too. People that can just say, "Yeah I had a hard time, but I don't think it makes me a bad person, so I don't mind telling you about it."

I hope that this blog has served it's purpose. I don't want people to be under the impression that my life is perfect. I don't want them to think I handle everything graciously and sweetly. I'm sure anyone that reads this blog doesn't have this impression, but I just wanted to make sure I don't come across that way.



Life is really hard right now. Once we get past the newborn hump I think we'll be fine, but until then everyday is an exhausting struggle. I get very agitated with all the men in my life. It's completely exhausting to try and just maintain the house. Maybe I should just let some things slide, but if I don't stay on top of them they get even more out of control and that just stresses me out more.

The new baby has been a new kind of difficult. It was very hard to bond with him, and there are still times that I wonder if I have. Most of the day I have a love/hate relationship with him. I love him to death, but I hate that he won't just take a nap and let me be. I hate that an hour after he eats he's crying that angry cry. I hate that if his binkie falls out he throws a fit. He really drives me crazy!

I wouldn't trade him for the world, and I can tell that he has a sweet little spirit,- which I love- but he seems so much more high strung then the twins. There are certain times of the day that I think, "I want to just leave and forget I ever had kids."

But then what would I do. Realize my dream of being a Broadway star? I don't think so. This life is hard, but I know I'm not going to find anything better out there.

I think I had a bit of postpartum depression with this baby. I even found it hard to enjoy the twins for a while after he was born. I'm finally starting to feel those little glimmers of joy that children bring into your life, and that is a nice feeling.



Even with the daily struggles I go through I am happy. Deep down I'm very happy with my life.

"Daughter, use all your gifts to build up righteousness in the earth. Never use them to acquire name or fame. Never rob your home, nor your children. If you were to become the greatest woman in this world, and your name should be known in every land and clime, and you would fail in your duty as wife and mother, you would wake up on the morning of the first resurrection and find you had failed in everything; but anything you can do after you have satisfied the claims of husband and family will redound to your own honor and to the glory of God." -Brigham Young



I got this quote from this blog I like to read. I really like it so I thought I'd post it here.

More Then I Can Chew or Just Right?

I was told that having twins would keep me insanely busy. I knew it would most likely be true since I'd heard, and seen, how much work one baby could be. That's why I was shocked when I wasn't completely and utterly exhausted after having the boys. I couldn't believe I could still find the time to take a shower each day. Being a mom felt like the job I had been doing, and loving, my whole life. Only now it had something that made it even better. A love and devotion to stay and make myself a better person. A job you can quit, being a mom is forever so you have to figure out how to do it as best you can, and most the time you want to so your kids can have a happy healthy life.

Yes the road has been bumpy. I've had many a break downs. There have been many times were I wondered if I was really suited to raise these two little spirits. I've had those moments were I sit down to feed them, and wish I could turn around and hand the job off to someone else. And I have to say the walking stage is a lot harder to deal with then I anticipated- I feel like it's the hardest so far. But all in all I've really loved being the mom of twins.




Though there were times I wished that I felt as busy as everyone said I should feel. I kept thinking, "Is there something wrong with me? Do I make my husband do all the work? Do I pawn my children off too much?"

I couldn't figure out why, when the boys were at the ripe old age of 6 months, I wanted another baby? Why was I going through the whole emotional roller coaster of "I want to be pregnant. No I don't. Yes I do. No I really don't." Then the time of the month rolls around and I would want to cry because deep down I really was hoping I'd be pregnant.



It was insanity, and I knew it. Everyone told me not to, but I just couldn't deny the desire to have a child any longer. So we started to try, and low and behold it happened. And it happened fast. So fast it happened before the job loss, and loss of insurance. Before I knew I would have to return to work. Before we knew just how hard it would be for my husband to attain work- which still hasn't happened. Yes for a while it seemed the plan to have another child was worse then we could have imagined.

But now he's here. And I think I finally can say that this is hard. I spend all day trying to get dressed. Sometimes one simple chore of taking those grocery's downstairs can take me hours because in between the thought to do it and the actual action of doing it I have to feed a baby, get the twins lunch, pump, get the twins a drink, see why the baby is crying and go to the bathroom. My mom had the twins for a couple days, and I was actually kind of bored. But with them here life is a circus. I'm exhausted before I even wake up. I haven't even wanted to think about what to pack in the diaper bag if we attempt to go out for a day. But even with this insanity I find myself on the happy side. I'm happy finally knowing I've reached the limit of what I can take on. Knowing that I will be content and busy for a while raising my three children. Knowing that I actually have the desire to leave my children with a sitter and go out with my husband. I know it sounds crazy, but it does make me happy.



Of course, I can also feel the stress of the situation. The exhaustion, and I know there will probably be many breakdowns. At times I wonder if I can do it, but there really is no point in wondering because I have to do it no matter what. And I know I want to try to do it well.

My life may be crazy, but at least I'm content.