Our relationship has come along way. I don't know how it happened, but suddenly you are the person that understands. The person that's easy to talk to. Now I realize you always were. We have shared many similarities in our lives. I always thought you didn't understand me, but sometimes your the only one that does. I guess that's what happens when people are similar.
I'm writing you now because I hurt. I hurt all the time. I laugh, I smile, I go on with life, but the pain still lingers. I've been working on it. I have over come some of it. I've seen my way through it. But healing can be exhausting. Sometimes I just need a sounding board to help me through. This letter isn't addressed to you but it was just easier for me to write it this way.
How do you get through something like this? I just don't know. I learn a little each day. I feel a little hope each day. But then things happen. Strange things come up. Things remind me that I never thought would. Similar stories from co-workers, who don't know my story, make me want to crawl into a corner and cry. Feeling is part of it.
It's part of healing. But everyday is a roller coaster of ups and downs. I'm on top of the hill and there is no getting off. In fact, getting off would cause more pain because wounds that might have a chance to heal could stay opened forever.
I just want to know I'm cherished. I just want to know I'm loved. Am I worth loving? I work so hard everyday to try and be someone who is worth loving. I try to fix the flaws I know make it hard for people to be around me. Things I do that I know aren't right. It can be exhausting. And sometimes I just can't do it anymore. But when I slip, when I let go, how do I know it won't add to a pile of dirty clothes I don't know exists. That it won't fill his heart with anger and resentment that he'll just hold against me. That's the worst part. Not being able to trust in that forgiveness.
It's hard. It's hard to be praised. It's hard to have people say what I'm doing is amazing. I don't feel that way. I see how badly I act. I see the damaging things I do. I want so badly to say I'm not that person. I'm not the person that yells and screams at the top of her lungs. That insults in anger and rage. That can't stop the destructive words from leaving her mouth. I know what I can be. And it doesn't always feel amazing.
Do you remember that day? Do you remember how I called you and Dad? How I couldn't breath? How the words couldn't escape my mouth? I hate that day. I hate to think of it. Some people say I will look back on it as a blessing. I don't know if that's true. I don't know what I would do without that day but I hate the pain that comes from thinking about it. Sometimes I wish it didn't have to exist.
Our family has been through a lot. A lot of dramatic situations have entered our lives throughout the generations. We all carry wisdom that is priceless. Wisdom that sometimes we wish we didn't have. But it is wisdom that has given us character and strength. Look at us. We still smile. We still laugh. Some people would probably ask how. I don't think we know. But I'm glad that I've been blessed with that ability. I'm glad I am your daughter.
Things are a part of my life that I don't want to be. People are there that shouldn't be-- not physically, but in my mind. I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my trial. I can't believe the me that came out of it. Who is that person? I never knew. Who knew I was capable of smiling through such heartache? If I can do that then I know I can get through this pain. But sometimes the pain is just too much to keep contained in my heart. Sometimes I need to write it down. I need to cry about it. I need to see it so I can just work though it.
I love my family. I love my husband. I love my kids. I don't know if I would choose this life twice, but I do know I don't regret it.
I love you mom. Thank you for listening to the hard conversations. For letting me complain about things you may wish you could just stay out of. I know it's hard to be a parent. And I know I haven't made it any easier. But hopefully we both know that from these hard situations we have chosen to become better, not worse.
Pictures by: Tilt Photography
