Easter

Having just celebrated Easter, I have been trying hard to take some time to contemplate the atonement, crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. It's not always easy to take a few minutes to stop and think when you have three little ones, but I still gave it a go.

I have been wanting to make a post. About what exactly? I don't really know. Counseling, though offering some helpful tools, has kind of led me to be more confused then ever.

People have said nothing but positive things about counseling. That it was affirmation that they weren't crazy, or they learned a lot about themselves. It seems to be just the opposite for me. I think I have an answer or have figured things out but the counselor disagrees or says nothing. I'll go in hopes of getting some validation, but it usually doesn't happen. A lot of times I feel crazier coming out of counseling then when I went in.

I guess I do still learn about myself. Even if the learning comes from a negative experience.

I've been so upset and confused these last few weeks that I asked my husband just to cancel our last two sessions.

Our last session left me so confused and angry I began to feel like I was regressing. I slunk into a negative depression. I became upset with my husband and I just lost the will to fight, or to open up and try anymore. My mom said something that just hurt me to the extreme. And I just didn't know where to turn to for answers.

Now, the counselor doesn't seem to understand me. My parents are sick of me. My husband won't fully open up to me, so I'm tired of opening up to him. And I just didn't want to become a huge bother to my friends.

I had been told that my happiness in this marriage could not be reliant on my husband changing, and the time frame he changes in. I know this. I know happiness, or unhappiness, cannot be reliant on others actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. We can't place that expectation on others. That's just not fair.

It made sense, but at the same time it was the most confusing thing in the world. Happiness for me is sharing myself with people. Giving everything I am to someone. It leaves me incredibly vulnerable, but I just don't know how else to live. How could I be happy if I couldn't trust giving myself fully to the man I love? How could I be expected to want to continue on in this marriage if some changes in our relationship didn't take place? True, he doesn't ask me to give of myself that way, and changes do take time. But am I really to believe that people do not need to be responsible for the hurtful things they have done simply because only we can control how we respond to their actions? Though there is truth to it, it also feels like a huge lie.

I then asked my husband one night, "Do you think this makes sense: You don't have to apologize for the feeling, but you should for the action?"

I think we are all entitled to feel certain ways: angry, sad, irritated, ignored, happy, etc. But maybe it is the lashing out, the acting on those emotions that we need to answer for. Sometimes we have feelings that sort of betray our true selves. But feeling them doesn't mean we loose ourselves. I think the true test comes from the judgement we exercise in deciding what to do with those feelings.

Other things became clearer as life went on. A visit to the temple helped. And talks, in church, on Easter Sunday helped too.

I listened to the story of Christ washing the apostles feet. The realization that he washed the feet of the man he knew would ultimately betray him really hit me. Could I wash the feet of those who have betrayed and hurt me? I know I do not have the perfect understanding of Christ, nor do I truly know people and the intents of their hearts. But even so could I fight through the anger and the hurt to have the forgiveness in my heart that Christ had?

The story of Christ suffering in Gethsemane really struck a chord. I realized that he suffered for the very sin of those who nailed him on the cross and crucified him. A certain humbling came over me. How incredible a feat was that?

I think Christ felt a sorrow as he suffered. I think he felt a sorrow when he asked God, "Forgive them. They know not what they do."

It was then that I realized sorrow could accompany forgiveness. Pain and anger rising up daily didn't have to mean my marriage was over. It didn't have to mean I had failed. Pain is a part of healing. Sorrow could be felt even if I have a perfect understanding and forgiveness in my heart. I can stay in this marriage even if I still feel the pain of what has happened. I have done all I can to sort out my emotions. Now, it will just take time to heal.

The atonement is the most incredible blessing in our lives. And the knowledge that he suffered for me too is a humbling comfort in times like this. There is always a lesson to be learned and a perspective to be seen. I'm so thankful for the blessing of the Easter lesson I received this year.

Merry Christmas!

I personally find it fascinating that I hold something in common with a woman such as Mary. Even if it is simply because we are both mother's, who have experienced pregnancy and the joys of bringing a child into the world. Though it is something common among women, I feel a sort of closeness to Mary that I did not feel before.

How this woman rode across the desert, on a donkey, while possibly in third trimester is beyond me. She was blessed with more grace then I shall ever have. I truly and deeply thank her for her sacrifices. What strength that woman must have had. I cannot imagine the heart aches she had to endure.

To Mother's everywhere, Merry Christmas. Children are the greatest gift. They make this time of year all that it is. After all one child, in particular, is the reason for the season.

Here's hoping all of you have a very Merry Christmas!

Saul of Tarsus

Every Sunday night we watch a Living Scriptures video with our kids. We can't afford the DVD's, so we record it off of a religious channel. This means most of them are from the New Testament.

Well last week's was Saul of Tarsus. We had just talked about Saul in Sunday School, and watching the video further reminded me of how much I love this story.

Perhaps it is because I have such a deep admiration for people who are capable of having such strong convictions. Maybe there were times Saul doubted. Perhaps he fell into despair and wondered if he really was doing to the right thing. That may be a part of the story we'll never hear. But, what we do know, is he faced so much opposition and yet he stayed true to the end. He had such perfect faith that, even when meeting his final parting from this world, he went without fear. For he knew he had served The Lord faithfully. What could be more amazing than that?

Or perhaps I just enjoy the awesomeness of the story. Being stunned by an angel, and converted to follow a completely different path, then the one you had chosen, is pretty amazing in my eyes.

But I think what I enjoy most about this story is that it is a story of redemption. That a man, who had committed some truly heinous sins, was forgiven and was allowed to right some of his wrongs. It really is a powerful message. That the power of forgiveness is so real and amazing, at times, I don't think we can comprehend it.

I truly admire Saul. He gives me hope in so many ways. He shows what can be accomplished when one has real faith. And he helps me to see that a person like me can be forgiven for my shortcomings and could even go on to do some pretty amazing things.

Sometimes I get angry with God. Sometimes I throw my fists in the air and ask, "What am I doing wrong?"

At times I become so bitter. I know I should pray for guidance and help. I know I should open my heart, and mind, and search for the things the Lord has blessed me with. That I should allow him to guide me, and I should continue to do what is right. But my faith gets so shaken. I no longer want to do what I know will help. I just want to be angry.

But, through examples like Saul, I am taught two very important things: that the most bitter, and angry, of hearts can be changed and forgiven; and that pure and unshaken faith can be practiced in even the most dire of circumstances.

So many are asked to go through so much, and yet many stay steadfast and strong. Well, than I too can keep my faith too. What has been asked of me suddenly doesn't seem so hard anymore.

Of course, being a huge lover of music, what captured me most, from the video, was the song. Which is why I posted the video here. Perhaps I'm a bit cheesy, but I've always really enjoyed the music on The Living Scriptures movies. This song really struck a chord with me. I'm a sucker for good lyrics, and I just thought these lyrics were written so well. I looked it up on you tube, and have been listening to it all night. After taking a shower, I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to share it. I hope somebody out there enjoys it as much as I do.

My new boss sent me a card, thanking my for all I sacrifice to come to work. A gesture that was very much appreciated by me! Along with that he also sent this quote, which I found to be truly inspiring.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of having selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, others may be jealous; Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do it anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in final analysis, it is between you and God; It never was between you and them. . .anyway.

~Mother Teresa

I want to be an honest person. I know discretion must still be practiced. Things don't always need to be said and some people just don't need to know everything. But I still like to know that I have been as honest as I can be. Even when it comes to small things like telling people how I'm doing or saying, "We should get together sometime."

Some may say this is not a world where honesty can reign free. That, in this world, being honest will cost you. You never know who you can trust, and you never know what conclusions people will draw.

I still feel that being honest is the best way to be. I don't want to hide things, or act ashamed. My husband may be the only person that I truly tell every single thing too, but I still feel it is important that I not hide it away, hoping no one will ever see.

Emotions, frustrations, actions are all human. We have all felt them. And having the courage to say, "Yes I did feel that way," I don't think is a bad thing.

I have gotten mostly good reactions from just being honest with people. And I feel better myself as well. I give thanks to Mother Teresa for her words that give me courage to continue being honest in a world that says I can't.

Knowing My Limits

I thought by now I knew my limits. I knew when to call it quits. But when I look around, knowing there's really no way to get relief, it's hard to throw in the towel.

This week has been awful. My husband started clinicals with school, and now has one more absent night of the week. I feel so bad for him. I just can't give him the relief he probably needs. Mostly because we both need relief. He has to wake up early, but always ends up staying up late to help me put the boys to bed, etc. I'm sure he wants to come home and just relax, but he usually comes home to help me rally the troops and get them in line. It's really not fair. Not fair for either of us.



I feel like I've been on my own for this whole week. Though that's only partially true. I've now taken on a new job, luckily the hours are pretty low key, plus I still sub at the school. Even though I only worked two days this week the house is a disaster. And the boys just haven't allowed me to catch up. They all seem to be uncontainable this week, and they keep making uncontainable messes.


I've been yelling in that same voice I used when I was pregnant last summer. I thought it was all because of pregnancy, but now I'm thinking the age between 12 months and 18 months is just plain hard. It sort of feels like limbo. The baby isn't napping like he used too, but still isn't ready for just one nap. He doesn't take bottles like he used to, but still isn't ready to give them up. And the worst part is that getting into the same things over and over is still fun for him.



I thought back to the twins. I thought about how, before they turned 1, everything seemed under control. 6 to 12 months was great. They stayed on schedule really well. The started being able to eat finger foods and hold their own bottles. They were playful and fun, but couldn't get into everything. It was great!

Then came their first birthday, and all was lost. I don't think we really felt back on track until they were able to get down to just one nap a day.

Yes, I've been monster mom. On the verge of feeling like I've totally lost it, and will never find it again. Knowing that I need to calm down, and stop, before I loose control. But unable to find the strength, or patience, to do so.

I hope, for my children's sake, things get better. I've been trying to remember to pray more often. I've kind of lost touch with that lately. And I made a point to have a good family home evening last night. I may have yelled here and there, and got very upset when the twins both pushed their little brother, but I think we still had a good night.

I also found the strength to sit down and do some fun crafts with the boys.




No matter how patient I become I'll always have limits. I guess it's not so bad to learn them. Now, I just need to remember to give myself a time out when I reach them.

A Marriage for Time and all Eternity

As many know, who read this blog, I am a member of the LDS Church. And, as a member of this church, I try to make frequent trips to our temples. Right now, my husband and I, try to go once a month. We consider temple work to be a very important part of our religion. There we make covenants and promises with the Lord, and our families. We perform marriages. These marriages are not just "till death do us part", but they are meant to last for eternity. And we also perform work for the dead. Those who have not been baptized, or had the opportunity to be sealed together for time and all eternity. There is quite a bit I could talk about here, but hopefully this brief explanation is enough to lay the ground work for the story I really want to share.

Almost 4 years ago my husband and I were married. On our wedding day we made promises, and were sealed together for time and all eternity. But, as wedding days go, it was all kind of a blur. Which is why I enjoy attending other weddings. For some reason, without all the nerves and anxiousness, I can better appreciate the promises I made with my husband, and with the Lord, when I see others making those same promises.

Well my husband and I have hit some bumps in the road. Have I wanted to leave? No, I wouldn't say want. There were just times that I wondered if I should. And there were times that I thought, "Either way it's going to be hard. And if things don't start to change, leaving may give me a chance to get back on track."

My mind wondered to the what if's. What if I had dated my husband longer? What if I had waited for another guy to come along? What if. . .what if. . .what if?

I'm still devoted to my husband, but there are times were being devoted only means you're hanging in there, by a thread.

We set aside our night for the temple. Thanks to our special, new calender. And we got a sitter and made our trip. It was late, and we were the last session. I told my husband I wanted to do sealings-- this means that we act as others, who have passed on, who did not get the opportunity to be sealed together here on Earth. I like sealings because my husband can be by my side the whole time. I'm still not entirely sure of myself at the temple. It's still pretty new to me, and we haven't made a good effort at going in the past. So I really like to have my husband there to guide me through it all. We sat down, and they began. The first couple knelt at the alter. As they spoke the words, my heart swelled and my eyes teared up. They hit me just right there. I heard the promises I had made to my husband. And I knew that what we had was more important than anything here on Earth. That those things that troubled me were not worth sacrificing my marriage. What was important was to stay devoted and true to my husband. That we need to keep our family together. And we will be blessed for doing so.



I know with all my heart that the LDS church is true. Not just because it opened my eyes, and I was given a revelation and some good advice. No, it's because that night, when I received that revelation, I felt whole again. And I can not describe how wonderful that feels. Everything was made clear. All that had been clouded up in my mind was gone. It was all so simple now. And that is how I know it's true. I don't have to wonder, or guess, if what I am doing, or living is right.

I know my church is not everybody's church. I know that there are some that read this blog who are not LDS. My religion may seem foreign to some. I don't expect everyone to accept or believe every aspect of it. But just know I am a person who believes in Christ and Heavenly Father. Who lives a religion that is good, and that provides many services. I believe our church has done many great things on this Earth, and I believe that it has helped me become a person that does many great things as well.

I am also a person who is grateful for her family. They are all amazing people, who do amazing things. And they all would drop anything to help someone in need. I'm thankful for my husband, who gives me an understanding that most would not. And I am grateful for my children. They are so wonderful in so many ways. And they are so good to forgive their mom when she has acted badly.



Thank you to those who read!

I really enjoyed reading this post today.

Sometimes as a mother I forget who it is that prey's an my negative emotions, and who it is that tries to use them to destroy me and my family. I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who sends me the reminders I need!

Confessions of an Imperfect Mom

I got the idea for this post from my friends blog post.

I read the article and it just got me thinking about why I started this blog in the first place.

At times I feel so inadequate as a mother. I have emotions that scare me and that make me wonder if I'm normal. I don't always follow the rules, or do things the ultimate best way that people suggest. I try my hardest to be a good mom, but I know there are times my children deserve a much better mom then me- Just the other day I had a real shining moment when one of the twins ate dirt, fell in a ditch full of irrigation water and ate paint.

I figure most woman have emotions like this and my hopes, with the blog, were:

1. To have somewhere to place my emotions and not keep them bottled up

and

2. Maybe help other mom's know they aren't the only one's that felt that way or went through that.

I've been accused of not knowing what a hard life is. People often think that my life has just been easy breezy with no struggles at all. They seem to think it's easy for me to look temptation in the eye and say no. They think because I am married my life is perfect. Some even believe that having twins upped my life another notch of perfection. Yes, for some reason people think life is just wonderful for me.

What these people didn't realize is that I did, and do, have struggles. That my weaknesses may not be the same as theirs, but I still have them. My trials may not look like theirs, but they are still a struggle to get through. And above all these people don't realize that you never assume someone's life is easy.

But because I had these people in my life I started to become an open book. I wouldn't hide my emotions from people. Of course, I always test the water but most the time, if I feel comfortable, I'll just put it out there. And most the time I find that others have felt the same way I did. I

also enjoy being around honest people too. People that can just say, "Yeah I had a hard time, but I don't think it makes me a bad person, so I don't mind telling you about it."

I hope that this blog has served it's purpose. I don't want people to be under the impression that my life is perfect. I don't want them to think I handle everything graciously and sweetly. I'm sure anyone that reads this blog doesn't have this impression, but I just wanted to make sure I don't come across that way.



Life is really hard right now. Once we get past the newborn hump I think we'll be fine, but until then everyday is an exhausting struggle. I get very agitated with all the men in my life. It's completely exhausting to try and just maintain the house. Maybe I should just let some things slide, but if I don't stay on top of them they get even more out of control and that just stresses me out more.

The new baby has been a new kind of difficult. It was very hard to bond with him, and there are still times that I wonder if I have. Most of the day I have a love/hate relationship with him. I love him to death, but I hate that he won't just take a nap and let me be. I hate that an hour after he eats he's crying that angry cry. I hate that if his binkie falls out he throws a fit. He really drives me crazy!

I wouldn't trade him for the world, and I can tell that he has a sweet little spirit,- which I love- but he seems so much more high strung then the twins. There are certain times of the day that I think, "I want to just leave and forget I ever had kids."

But then what would I do. Realize my dream of being a Broadway star? I don't think so. This life is hard, but I know I'm not going to find anything better out there.

I think I had a bit of postpartum depression with this baby. I even found it hard to enjoy the twins for a while after he was born. I'm finally starting to feel those little glimmers of joy that children bring into your life, and that is a nice feeling.



Even with the daily struggles I go through I am happy. Deep down I'm very happy with my life.

"Daughter, use all your gifts to build up righteousness in the earth. Never use them to acquire name or fame. Never rob your home, nor your children. If you were to become the greatest woman in this world, and your name should be known in every land and clime, and you would fail in your duty as wife and mother, you would wake up on the morning of the first resurrection and find you had failed in everything; but anything you can do after you have satisfied the claims of husband and family will redound to your own honor and to the glory of God." -Brigham Young



I got this quote from this blog I like to read. I really like it so I thought I'd post it here.