It's Just Being a Mom

There's ups and downs, high and lows. Sometimes you feel like you deserve a medal. Sometimes you feel like your kids should be taken away for their own good. It's all part of being mom.

My mommy experiences as of lately:

The family ran some errands last Monday, and we ended up having to stop for some lunch. We stopped at a Carls Jr in Provo- which has an awesome playplace by the way. I knew one of the twins needed a bum change so I took him to the bathroom. Well I forgot wipes, so back we went to get the wipes. The other twin followed us back to the bathroom. I took the dirty cloth diaper off and set it on the floor until I could rinse it out. I cleaned up the boy and the diaper cover, put on a fresh diaper, snapped his onesie and I was about to set him down until I noticed something funny on the floor. The other twin had stepped in the poopy diaper I had set on the floor and now there was lovely poopy shoe prints decorating the floor of the ladies room. Luckily the trail wasn't long, and I was able to wipe it up pretty quickly. Cleaning up his shoe was another story. I finally got that clean then decided to check his diaper. Well he'd been sick so he had some diarrhea and it had fried his bum and I, of course, forgot to grab some diaper cream for him. What to do? My husband was there, but he had to watch the baby so he, even if I called him, wouldn't be able to bring it to me. I'm not good at following the "don't leave your child unattended" rule. I'll take a trip to the garbage or go wash my hands while the kid lays on the table. But leaving him alone in the bathroom, bare bottomed, while I walk across the restaurant to grab some diaper cream was a little to rebellious for my taste. I had but one resource: his brother. Quickly I tried calling my husband. His phone was dead, of course. So I poked my head out the door to try and get his attention. Low and behold he was looking for me as well. Apparently he didn't know both the boys had followed me to the bathroom. Boy was he relieved! I then sent the bigger twin to him and told him to send him back with some diaper cream. I was just going to wait right outside the door for my big boy to come back, but another customer went into the restroom, so I went inside to wait with my half naked child that was awaiting his diaper change. A few minutes later I went to check on the other twin to see if he was headed my way with the cream. Well, there he was standing right outside the door with the cream in hand. Oh, it was the sweetest thing in the world! I then sent him back to his Dad, finished up with the other twin and went to join the rest of the fam for lunch. I was so proud of my big boy that day. He got just a little bigger in my eyes.



As I mentioned my little boy was sick. Well we've had our fill of sick kids around here. First it was the littler twin. We had 3-4 days of diarrhea, bum burns and vomiting. Half of it took place in the middle of the night. He finally got better, and then the next week his brother came home from a drive with Grandma and Grandpa and threw up all over the floor. "Maybe he got car sick," my parents said. I could only hope, but hope wasn't enough. He was sick. More vomiting, but less bum burn than his brother. His illness was wrapping up just as the littler twin started to get sick again. This time a lovely gagging cough. One sleepless night was full of crying and coughing every half hour. I got so fed up I took them upstairs to lie in bed with my husband and I slept on the couch. When my husband left for work I got into bed with the twins. Only something was different. The sheets had been changed. Apparently we the bigger twin had one more night of vomiting to get over. When I got into bed my little boy was coughing and gagging. It was so sad. He didn't wake up but it still broke my heart. I pulled out some vapor rub and that seemed to help relieve him.

I'm not opposed to having more children until my children get sick. Each time we add a child to the family it's one more sick child we have to deal with. At least illness' don't last forever. I just wish that they all could get sick at the same time so we could just get it over with. Why does it have to be one each week. I just keep praying that the baby doesn't end up sick now.

My husband and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary. It feels like we've been married forever. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean that we just seem mature as a couple- not as individuals :). My parents are out of town and we couldn't get a babysitter, so we celebrated with the children. The screaming, crying, pooping children. My big boy woke up hysterical from his nap. He had pooped and it was still kind of in the diarrhea stage. It had ran all down his leg and he was very upset. I was cleaning him up and he was hitting me because he was so upset. It's one of the ways he throws a tantrum. I just tell him to fold his arms and use his words and one of those words has to be "Sorry". If it gets really bad I stick up in time out- though that wasn't an option at this particular time. I got him all cleaned up and then the littler twin wondered upstairs bawling for some reason. I stuck them both in the bath, and went to attend to the baby who was now crying- he'd been left alone for too long. Now, I'd have to hold the baby or listen to him cry hysterically. Once he gets past a certain point of the "I've been neglected" cry there is no going back. Eventually we just had to put him in his room to cry until it was dinner time. I was hoping my husband could offer some helping hands with getting our anniversary dinner on the table, but he had to attend to the crying children. Despite all this, I did manage to get dinner on the nicely set table. The kids even calmed down and we sat down to enjoy our delicious food. My husband poured the Martinelli's and passed the Alfredo. As I reached for the pasta I knocked my glass, full of sparkling cider, right into the Alfredo sauce. A small part of me wanted to laugh. A bigger part of me wanted to cry. Neither one won. I was so worried that sauce was ruined. I sprinkled in some Parmesan cheese, and all was well. The apple cider gave it a nice subtle sweet after taste. The night was rather enjoyable. I just have to laugh at all the mishaps. This anniversary was a taste of what anniversaries as a parent will probably be like from now on.



Oh I forgot to mention that my husband and I also caught a movie for our anniversary. We went the day before to see "Tangled". We wanted to catch a Matinée so that it would be cheaper, but that once again left us with no sitter. We braved it with all three children. The theater was empty except for one guy, who also had a kid with him. I was nervous. I didn't know how it would be with all three kids, but it ended up going very smoothly. The theater was dark, so feeding the baby and tracking the twins lunch down was a little hard. But I still could not have asked for it to go better. I was so prepared for having to leave every five seconds with one kid or the other, but the only time I had to leave was when I needed to get water for the baby's bottle.

I must also mention that the twins are finally paying attention to movies now. They ask to watch "The Leapfrog Letter Factory" movie everyday. The minute the wake up all you hear is "Moofie Moofie," until you turn it on. You can distract them here and there with some music for dancing or a nice meal or snack. But other than that from breakfast time to bed time its, "Moofie, Moofie, Mofie". And if you don't turn it on they'll push buttons, play with remotes and pull cords until you do turn it on. I have to admit I get really tired of watching the "Moofie". Sometimes I can get them into a show on PBS, or anther Leapfrog movie, but nothing satisfies like "The Letter Factory". I can usually tune it out, but I still get bugged that I can't at least watch the news. When I can't watch the news I start to feel really cut off from the outside world. But still my heart smiles a little each time when the menu for the "Moofie" comes on and boys start making the letter sounds. No matter how many times I see it it's still cute!

Feelings of Inadequacy

Becoming a mom was like finding that perfect job. But lately I've had a hard time finding what it was that made it so perfect.

I'm not placing blame on my children here. They are more perfect than anything. No, I'm placing blame on me. I'm the one that can't seem to climb back up the ladder of the joys of motherhood to view the wonders that only being a mother can bring.

I try to accomplish certain goals everyday: Take good care of the kids, find a good routine, find a balance between housework and enjoying the kids that everyone can be happy with and don't loose you temper.

Sadly these goals are far from being accomplished. This means almost everyday I disappoint myself in more then one way. Almost every day I feel I have failed.



I think if I could get the kids all in a routine I could handle it better. But there is just no such thing as a routine with the baby. One day he'll eat really well, he'll sleep for 3 and 1/2 to 4 hours and he'll be happy and content when he's awake. Then the next day he's just fussy, fussy, fussy. He'll only eat well half the time, it takes an hour or two to get all the burps out of him and just when I think I have got him content I lay him down and he starts to cry. At these moments I just want to cry, and I usually loose my temper

Then to top it off the twins are running around being their busy little selves. They get into everything that is not their toys. On a good day I can handle this because I have the energy and patience to just clean up the messes. But on the bad days I just scold them all day long. And, yes, I loose my temper with them too.



I know it's not anyone's fault. I know the baby is sick and in pain. But people act like that's a warm cozy blanket that should cover up all the problems and frustrations that arise from having to deal with a fussy baby. The truth is it's hard. No matter what the reason for his fussiness it's just hard.

And I know that what the boys are doing is just typical toddler behavior. But telling that to myself doesn't make my stress level go down.

Yesterday was a bad day. My husband pulled in late that night. He disregarded my blowout of a message I left on his answering machine- thank goodness- and came in and just talked to me. I told him, "I feel useless. I'm not a good mother anymore and you should just send the children to daycare because they would be better off there. I try so hard to take care of the house, and make sure there's food on the table, but there seems to be no point. The house is a disaster and nobody eats my cooking. I feel totally worthless and useless as a wife and a mother."

He, of course, consoles me and tells me I'm a good mom and a good wife. He then pulls out the leftovers from the night before and eats a hearty serving.

The men in my life are so great! They put up with so much from me. I yell and I scream, and they greet me with smiles and love that I don't feel I deserve. My baby will coo and goo, when he feels good, and give me delightful grins. Everyone says, "Are you telling momma that you love her?"



All I can think is I don't deserve that, and I don't know why he'd even recognize me as his mother. I've been nothing but horrible to him.

I'm really down and out. I feel like the only reason my twins turned out so well was because they were just simply good babies. And when I'm faced with a real challenge of a child I fail miserably. I long to feel the joys of motherhood again, but as each day passes all I can think is, "Maybe I'm just not as good at being a mother as I thought I was."

Be on Your Best Behavior!

I have to admit I have not been on my best behavior lately. We finally got over the mountain of the baby's indigestion issues- gas drops and heart burn medicine seem to be working well- but then he started having bad days again. This did not make me too happy. I feel bad because he doesn't feel good. And then I feel bad for loosing my temper with him. I know he's not trying to make me angry but sometimes he hits this nerve just right and all my patience flies out the window.

Two days ago was a terrible day. He cried when I burped him, he cried when I fed him and he cried pretty much all through out the day. I know it's ridiculous to yell at a newborn, but sometimes I feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! " OK so maybe I don't always just feel like it I actually do it. I don't think I'm actually yelling at him. I think I'm just trying to find an outlet for all the emotions that are knotting up in my stomach. But that's not what I feel terrible about. The worst thing that happened was when I went to pick him up to burp him. I had to stop myself. If I picked him up I felt like, at that moment, I might hurt him. I've never been that angry before. I've been on the brink of being that angry. I've been scared of getting that angry, but I've never actually been that angry. I guess at least I was smart enough to stop myself.



So, evidently, I've been fighting a kidney infection for all week. This has caused me to be in a lot of pain, so much pain I wanted to just cry sometimes. Then to accompany that pain there are severe chills and shakes. I could hardly function when those came on. Then to top it all off I get a fever and night sweats. Those leave me soaked in the morning. Being sick definitely means that I can't give 100% to my kids, but I don't want it to be an excuse. I need to learn to just walk outside and take a break. Leave the crying baby in the crib and just take a break. I did it once and it actually felt really good. I felt really in control of myself, which is what I want to be.

I finally went to the Doctor to get treated for the infection- I thought I just hurt because my hips were out of place or something. Who knew my pain could actually be treated? The baby is doing much better now. We found a better way to give him his heartburn meds and that really seemed to help.

Having three kids is hard. I've heard that the third is always a real eye opener. It's so hard that when any of us aren't feeling good I get this horrible despairing feeling. I can barely handle the kids when we are healthy and happy. Just the mere though of having to handle something else on top of that just makes me want to cry.



On a different note, my husband has been hired at a care center. Of course this means that he has to be gone for over 12 hours a day, 4 days a week which will be difficult. I want to be very supportive so if anyone can lend a hand I'd greatly appreciate it. I did survive my first day without him though. And it was while I was sick. Of course, this morning I couldn't find the strength to do it again, but I didn't want him to have to miss work. Maybe if he just stayed home from school I'd be fine. His boss ended up letting him have the day off, which I am very grateful for!

Family Pictures

I love capturing memories, but why does it have to be so hard. My husband and I arranged a family photo shoot for my side of the family a couple of weeks ago. We got some beautiful pictures, but boy was I a monster all morning. I was yelling at my kids and getting frustrated with the baby- and everything else. My stupid hair wouldn't curl, and I couldn't find anything to wear. Then to top it all off one of the twins sweaters had a spot on it- he just wore it anyway.

So crazy is our lives before pictures that I wonder if it's worth it. I hope future generations can appreciate what I went through so they could enjoy one more photo ;)

P.S. My husband did a great job as our photographer that day!

Welcome to the World!

There's never a time in your life when you receive more advice then when you're expecting a child. And apparently the advice giving doesn't fade after you've already successfully had one child- or two for that matter. I was starting to feel as though people didn't count twins as really having a baby. They would keep saying, "Well you had twins so you can try it again with one." And I'm thinking, "I've had twins so I know twice as well what I do and don't want."

Well it wasn't too long ago that a realization came to me. People are eager to suggest and say what they feel you should do because their experience with it was so wonderful and special- or perhaps the opposite- that they want you to share in it too- or avoid it if you can. Though they might not agree with the path you choose they are not going to end their relationship with you simply because you chose a different path- most the time at least.

I say this because a week ago I made the decision to have another c-section. I, of course, had been told countless times not too and I was worried that had I not attempted once more to have a vaginal birth that I would be hearing about it from people for the rest of my life. My mom had to battle with this. One man that she worked with even stopped talking to her completely because she just got a c-section with her second child instead of trying for a vaginal birth. I told the doctor it was one of my worries and he said I could blame it on him if I wanted to. But as I was struggling with the decision, and slowly getting more and more unhappy I started to realize that I had to decide what was important to me. My friends and family had given me advice based on what was important and special to them, but is what was special to them going to be something I wanted, and needed, for myself. It was with that thought that I turned to my husband and said, "It's only worth continuing on in this state if you really want that vaginal birth right?"

"Yeah!" He replied.

"So if it just doesn't seem worth it to me then there's no point in me going on right? It doesn't make me a wimp or a coward? It just means I have different needs and wants as a mother."

With that I felt good and happy with the idea of having another c-section. It felt like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders and I wasn't so depressed or anxious anymore.

We went to the doctor on Monday and I found out that I was still only dilated to a fingertip. That's what I had been since week 37. But it didn't upset or frustrate me, it just made me feel even more secure about my decision to have a c-section.

The doctor did an ultra sound to make sure we didn't have to get me in sooner then not. We found my fluid was on the low side, but not the scary side, and that the baby was measuring 2 weeks small. But the doctor didn't seem worried about it, and we scheduled a c-section for Wednesday morning.

It was so nice to get everything in order before the baby came. We cleaned the whole house, packed all our bags and arranged babysitting for the boys.

We went in Wednesday morning at 6:15. After getting an IV, and being asked a million questions, I was walked back to the OR to get a spinal. A spinal is like an epidural, but the medicine is even stronger so you feel even less. My husband couldn't be there while they put in the spinal, which was really unfortunate because it hurt way more then my epidural did. It stressed me out a little that the nurses had to calm me down. But soon my husband joined me. I was so happy to see him I could have cried. I didn't feel anything as they cut the baby out, and it was so wonderful to hear that first feisty cry. He sounded like such an angry baby, but it was still so wonderful to welcome him to the world.




My husband took some pictures, and I was shocked to see how different he was. Then they let my husband hold him by my head for a little bit. I looked him over and over then turned to my husband and said, "He's not as cute as the twins."

Luckily the swelling went down and soon I recognized my beautiful baby boy. And he is just as adorably cute as the twins were.

I had told the nurses that I was bottle feeding, and I have to say I loved it. It was so much more relaxing, and easy. I was bothered a lot less, and I just felt good knowing what I was doing instead of latching on here, pumping there and bottles everywhere.

He was 6 lbs, 15 oz and 19 inches of sweetness. He was small, but healthy. No Jaundice and no level 2 NICU.

I would get really nauseated off and on that first day from the spinal, and I threw up once, but the second c-section still seemed to go much better. Not going through labor seemed to help a lot with the recovery. I also think it helped that I had been there and had a better idea of what I was capable off. It's now Sunday and I'm feeling really really good.

We came home Friday, and I was so engorged I couldn't wait to pull out the pump. My plan is to pump here and there, and just slowly ween off so I don't have to get engorged and be in a lot of pain.

My parents are still taking care of the twins. I miss them terribly but I know I'm not ready to take care of them yet. It does make it hard to have two little boys who want my attention and I can't fully give it to them. But I figure in a week or two I'll be well enough to play and have fun with them. Had I stayed pregnant I probably would have gone to week 41, and they probably would have had to induce me. That would have left me pregnant for these two weeks meaning I wasn't fully capable of being a good mom anyway. And then I could have ended up with another c-section which means the boys would have been without a full time mom for two more weeks after that. So I figure my decision was still a good one.