There's No Need to Make Me Feel Guilty. . .

. . .I do a good enough job of that myself.

Life has been a little crazy around here lately. Full of uncertainties, instabilities, stress, stress, stress and, the need to finally announce our surprise of a pregnancy to all.

Life hasn't been easy. But, as life goes, there is always someone who is worse off right? Don't get me wrong. It's both humbling, and touching, to hear on the news, or read a story, about someone who overcame an impossible situation with strength, faith and traits that are admirable. Knowing that people have survived the most heart wrenching of situations is always a good reminder to me. It reminds me to be thankful for the challenges that are mine. It reminds me that it's possible for someone to make it through a hard, and desperate, situation and not be known for the failures that brought them there, but for the character shown in overcoming their hardships. But sometimes I wonder when my story will be told with that hint of, "Just be grateful you don't have to deal with what she's going through".

I don't want to be babied. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just don't want people to feel they have to lay on the guilt or teach me a lesson. I personally think its a bad tactic. Stories of the less fortunate should serve as humbling reminders. They should be personal revelations, and each of us should be allowed to interpret them in our own way. When they are used to cake on the guilt I find myself turned off. I get angry and upset. Sure, I understand their point. I know I could have things a lot worse. I try to remind myself of that everyday. But my experiences are my own. I have a right to my feelings, and don't appreciate being told they are wrong. Anyone could find themselves in my situation and discover they feel the exact same way.

I read in a book that God knows us, and knows how we learn. So when he has a lesson he wants us to learn he will teach it to us in a way that will be well received. That is such a comforting thought to me. God will get his message through, and he knows I'll listen if it's presented to me in the right way.

This pregnancy has brought some interesting feelings about. To say it's been a struggle is an understatement. I can't believe the baby lived past the first 12 weeks. Life was so awful then. I felt so torn between emotions. I didn't want to have this child alone, but my marriage lie in uncertainty. I wanted my husband to be with me, but having a child with a man I couldn't trust was heart wrenching. I begged to understand why I was having this baby. Why now? We weren't a family. We needed to learn how to be a husband and wife again. How could we have a child together in the situation we were in? At times I didn't know if the baby had survived. At times I thought it would be better if it didn't. It seemed so unfair to bring another child into our world of uncertainty. The baby did live, and that did make me happy. But it still brought about so many more fears and stresses.

Amongst all of this the "Be Grateful-s" rang through my head, and sometimes out of people's mouths. Be grateful you can have kids. Be grateful that it's healthy. Be grateful that you didn't loose the pregnancy. Be grateful, be grateful, be grateful.

I try hard everyday to be grateful. When they couldn't find the heartbeat I knew there was no good way to give that kind of news to a mother. I had tried to prepare myself because I hadn't been that sick. I even assured the doctors that if they had to deliver that news it was OK. When they did the ultra-sound and showed me the heart beat I was so relieved. They gave me the pictures, and I was just so excited. I wanted to show them to everyone. That was my baby, and it was perfect and wonderful!

But sadly I'm a woman, and I can experience more than one emotion at a time. Along with excitement came the knowledge of the hardships this pregnancy would bring. This is just a really bad time to have a baby. We are poor beyond belief. Our future is still very uncertain at this time. And, even though my husband and I continue to work on our marriage, it is still in a kind of volatile state. I'm so excited for my baby, but I can't just be excited. There are so many things raining down on us right now that the reality of our situation has to be faced.

I've come to be OK with the imperfections of our situation. Though I don't understand how, I know things will be OK. I have realized that I can have this baby with my husband, even if the trust in our marriage is a little unstable right now. I am grateful that I can have children. I'm grateful that I have three beautiful little boys already. And I can't wait to hold this new little bundle of joy. I know I'll be tired. I don't know how I'll survive raising 4 kids under 4. But I'm sure I'll learn that I was capable all along. And I'll come out on the other side having learned something new about myself.

I hear stories all the time of people who have lost children, people who can't have children, people who lost everything in a fire, etc. and I thank God everyday for blessing me with so many wonderful things. I thank him for my beautiful kids, who are happy, healthy and strong. For allowing me to have a decent home to raise them in. That, against all odds, we have managed to still piece together something of a life thanks to friends, family and the church. I always feel so sorry that others must be asked to go through the trials they are given. It seems so unfair. Why them? Why am I allowed to enjoy so many wonderful things when they must be asked to endure so much?



I have a pretty good understanding of what I should be grateful for. I remind myself every night when I put my kids to bed. I feel the guilt every time my little boys bring me a flower after I have yelled at them. I feel it whenever I have spent the whole day trying to clean the house, and telling them to go away, and then realizing I didn't even take a few minutes to enjoy them that day. I'm a mom. I feel guilty and grateful every second of my life. But I also feel a lot of other things and those feelings deserve some validation too.

I love everyday I spend with my family. I love watching my three little boys. Though I didn't always think it felt right to have 3 boys and no girls, I really love it. I love that the twins get to have a little brother. And I love the things they are learning because they have a little brother. It just seems to fit so well into our little family. I have also finally figured out why I so desperately want a girl. And it wasn't the selfish, unappreciative, ungrateful version people tried to tell me it was. It was simply because it was something I had pictured my whole life. Something I had saved all my toys from childhood for. Something I felt was so real, I reserved a room in our house, from the very beginning, for my baby girl. Loosing something like that would be hard for anyone. It didn't mean I didn't want boys. It didn't mean I loved boys less. It just meant I had lost something that had felt incredibly real to me my whole life, and I had to come to terms with that part of it.

As far as this baby goes, we do know the gender. But I have just felt so many uncertainties about the baby, that I almost feel like I don't really know. I've told people what it is, but as time goes on it gets more and more awkward. So I've decided to hold off on announcing it online. The pregnancy has been so different. The way the baby sits and moves seems so strange sometimes. The other night I put my hand my tummy and I could feel it moving. Everything felt so real and defined. I have never felt a baby in my tummy in that much detail before. It's so hard to believe it's just inches from touching my hand. It's right there, responding and moving to my touch. It feels so much more real to me in that way than my other babies, and yet I know so much less about it. I can't decide on a name, colors or clothes. I don't see things in the store that just yell at me that they belong to this baby. It's just so different from my other pregnancies in that way. Anyway. . .tune in around September 16 if you want to find out what we had!

Easter

Having just celebrated Easter, I have been trying hard to take some time to contemplate the atonement, crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. It's not always easy to take a few minutes to stop and think when you have three little ones, but I still gave it a go.

I have been wanting to make a post. About what exactly? I don't really know. Counseling, though offering some helpful tools, has kind of led me to be more confused then ever.

People have said nothing but positive things about counseling. That it was affirmation that they weren't crazy, or they learned a lot about themselves. It seems to be just the opposite for me. I think I have an answer or have figured things out but the counselor disagrees or says nothing. I'll go in hopes of getting some validation, but it usually doesn't happen. A lot of times I feel crazier coming out of counseling then when I went in.

I guess I do still learn about myself. Even if the learning comes from a negative experience.

I've been so upset and confused these last few weeks that I asked my husband just to cancel our last two sessions.

Our last session left me so confused and angry I began to feel like I was regressing. I slunk into a negative depression. I became upset with my husband and I just lost the will to fight, or to open up and try anymore. My mom said something that just hurt me to the extreme. And I just didn't know where to turn to for answers.

Now, the counselor doesn't seem to understand me. My parents are sick of me. My husband won't fully open up to me, so I'm tired of opening up to him. And I just didn't want to become a huge bother to my friends.

I had been told that my happiness in this marriage could not be reliant on my husband changing, and the time frame he changes in. I know this. I know happiness, or unhappiness, cannot be reliant on others actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. We can't place that expectation on others. That's just not fair.

It made sense, but at the same time it was the most confusing thing in the world. Happiness for me is sharing myself with people. Giving everything I am to someone. It leaves me incredibly vulnerable, but I just don't know how else to live. How could I be happy if I couldn't trust giving myself fully to the man I love? How could I be expected to want to continue on in this marriage if some changes in our relationship didn't take place? True, he doesn't ask me to give of myself that way, and changes do take time. But am I really to believe that people do not need to be responsible for the hurtful things they have done simply because only we can control how we respond to their actions? Though there is truth to it, it also feels like a huge lie.

I then asked my husband one night, "Do you think this makes sense: You don't have to apologize for the feeling, but you should for the action?"

I think we are all entitled to feel certain ways: angry, sad, irritated, ignored, happy, etc. But maybe it is the lashing out, the acting on those emotions that we need to answer for. Sometimes we have feelings that sort of betray our true selves. But feeling them doesn't mean we loose ourselves. I think the true test comes from the judgement we exercise in deciding what to do with those feelings.

Other things became clearer as life went on. A visit to the temple helped. And talks, in church, on Easter Sunday helped too.

I listened to the story of Christ washing the apostles feet. The realization that he washed the feet of the man he knew would ultimately betray him really hit me. Could I wash the feet of those who have betrayed and hurt me? I know I do not have the perfect understanding of Christ, nor do I truly know people and the intents of their hearts. But even so could I fight through the anger and the hurt to have the forgiveness in my heart that Christ had?

The story of Christ suffering in Gethsemane really struck a chord. I realized that he suffered for the very sin of those who nailed him on the cross and crucified him. A certain humbling came over me. How incredible a feat was that?

I think Christ felt a sorrow as he suffered. I think he felt a sorrow when he asked God, "Forgive them. They know not what they do."

It was then that I realized sorrow could accompany forgiveness. Pain and anger rising up daily didn't have to mean my marriage was over. It didn't have to mean I had failed. Pain is a part of healing. Sorrow could be felt even if I have a perfect understanding and forgiveness in my heart. I can stay in this marriage even if I still feel the pain of what has happened. I have done all I can to sort out my emotions. Now, it will just take time to heal.

The atonement is the most incredible blessing in our lives. And the knowledge that he suffered for me too is a humbling comfort in times like this. There is always a lesson to be learned and a perspective to be seen. I'm so thankful for the blessing of the Easter lesson I received this year.

A Visit With My Feelings

We have been doing a lot as far as rebuilding a relationship goes. We just had two days-- Our Anniversary and Valentine's Day-- focused on relationships-- one more exclusively based on us-- to sit down and think about how we can make the other feel special. Though I found that as these days drew nearer I kind of had a sour out look on things.



When I heard about young engaged couples, anxiously awaiting their wedding day, I felt no excitement. When I thought about our wedding my feelings were mixed. I didn't want to regret it. As I look at my life there's no one I'd rather be with then my husband, but I would ask myself, "Knowing what you know now, would you go back and tell the you in the past to still get married, or not?"

My answer hurt me.

"I don't know! Is there a part of my marriage that was worth all the pain and hardships? Well, there's my kids, but if I never got married, I would never have had them and I would never know there was something to miss."

I know! It's not the most positive train of thought. And it hurt me that I felt that way because I always thought of myself as someone who knew better than that.

Well maybe I did.

There is the me. The real me. The "Deep down this is who I really am even though sometimes I have emotions that disagree with that me" me. And I think for a brief moment the real me gave in and let the hurt me take over.

In counseling we have been talking about many things. We have talked about how people just want to be understood, even if the problem can't be solved, and this can be achieved through reflective listening-- and exercise where you listen to what the other person says and reflect the statement back to them. We have also talked about exploring your feelings and not ignoring them or trying to lock them away. Something I've always been a true believer in-- it's OK if I feel this way, this emotion doesn't have to be who I am so I can be OK with having it. I guess part of me lost sight of truly exploring every aspect of my feelings, or I was too scared to really look at them.

The counselor has given me some interesting steps into how to better explore these feelings. He said to envision your feeling as a person, and ask it questions like: Why do you feel this way, what to you think will happen and, my personal favorite, what are you afraid of. The tricky part when asking the questions is to really focus on whether the true me is answering of feeling part of me. Once I get down to looking at the feeling, and really seeing it's answers to the questions, I can just let it go. In a sense it's still there, but it doesn't have as much control over me as it did before.

As I did this today I realized more and more that I had done this before. That I did know how to really look at my feelings, I just hadn't lately. And being able to recognize the skill, I had already built, was still there made the exploration of my feelings easier.

I noticed once I found out what the feelings fears were I could just easily get past them. I sort of told myself, "Oh that's it? Well I know that this is the truth, so that doesn't have to be a fear."

I came to a realization. Maybe feelings are like people. They don't want to be solved, they just want to be understood. And once the are understood suddenly you don't have to fight them anymore.

So what my high school grammar teacher said was true, "Talking to yourself doesn't mean your crazy. It's a sign of intelligence." And it's also a way to get centered and focused on the true you. The you that is filled with the spirit. The you that knows what truly brings about happiness.



To my husband:

I love you! And there isn't anyone else I would rather be with. Working through all of this together will give us both a better sense of appreciation for what one is willing to do for the other. And that is how true love is built. Happy 4th Anniversary. I can't believe it's only been 4 years! I feel like I've known you my whole life. We've had a crazy life, but crazy is what makes it ours. I love you!

Love,
Me

The Marathon is Over

Ever since I got pregnant with my third I have felt like I've been running a never ending marathon. Completely exhausted and stretched to my limits, I constantly felt, "Will I ever catch a break?"

Life seemed to throw never ending trials our way. There was no stability in life. I lost my temper everyday, which, even though I have a hot temper, is kind of unusual. I can usually keep it cool for at least a month.

The trials we were sent seemed to say that what I felt was normal. That having three kids under three, a husband working and in school and not enough money to cover basic expenses was enough to explain this endless race I was in. But even so I'd sometimes look at things and think, "Should it really feel this exhausting all the time?"

Little did I know what underlying problems existed in my life. Problems that kept happiness from being a part of our everyday life. Well now the problems are found, the marathon is over and hear come the aches and pains.

Everyday my heart weighs heavy with a pain. A pain that only time can heal. I have gotten progressively better, but the pain still exists. I have gotten past the anger, for the most part, but still the pain remains. So tiring is this burden that at times I still wish I could just leave this life and move on to the next. Thoughts that don't come often, but sometimes manage to creep their way in.

As my husband and I work together to build our relationship back up, my faith is slowly restored, my trust begins to return and my hope that I have made the right decision is renewed. Visits with The Bishop, The Stake President and with our counselor have all helped us to take a step towards being healed. Slowly the pain lessens. But it may be something that always exists.

We have been truly blessed in our time of need. Our ward is amazing, and the church has helped us in so many ways. I am just so grateful that I have it in my life.

I have come through a trial I never thought I'd have to bear. It has caused hardship, and heartaches, that I didn't think I was capable of enduring. Once again the Lord has found a way to show me how strong I really am. Sometimes I look at my life and think, "Is this life really mine? Are these really the trials I'm asked to face? Must this be the life I'm asked to live?"

Even so, I think the reward for these trials will be much sweeter than had they not come. They themselves are blessings in disguise that showed me that the life I was living didn't have to be acceptable. And for that I am grateful.

A Marriage for Time and all Eternity

As many know, who read this blog, I am a member of the LDS Church. And, as a member of this church, I try to make frequent trips to our temples. Right now, my husband and I, try to go once a month. We consider temple work to be a very important part of our religion. There we make covenants and promises with the Lord, and our families. We perform marriages. These marriages are not just "till death do us part", but they are meant to last for eternity. And we also perform work for the dead. Those who have not been baptized, or had the opportunity to be sealed together for time and all eternity. There is quite a bit I could talk about here, but hopefully this brief explanation is enough to lay the ground work for the story I really want to share.

Almost 4 years ago my husband and I were married. On our wedding day we made promises, and were sealed together for time and all eternity. But, as wedding days go, it was all kind of a blur. Which is why I enjoy attending other weddings. For some reason, without all the nerves and anxiousness, I can better appreciate the promises I made with my husband, and with the Lord, when I see others making those same promises.

Well my husband and I have hit some bumps in the road. Have I wanted to leave? No, I wouldn't say want. There were just times that I wondered if I should. And there were times that I thought, "Either way it's going to be hard. And if things don't start to change, leaving may give me a chance to get back on track."

My mind wondered to the what if's. What if I had dated my husband longer? What if I had waited for another guy to come along? What if. . .what if. . .what if?

I'm still devoted to my husband, but there are times were being devoted only means you're hanging in there, by a thread.

We set aside our night for the temple. Thanks to our special, new calender. And we got a sitter and made our trip. It was late, and we were the last session. I told my husband I wanted to do sealings-- this means that we act as others, who have passed on, who did not get the opportunity to be sealed together here on Earth. I like sealings because my husband can be by my side the whole time. I'm still not entirely sure of myself at the temple. It's still pretty new to me, and we haven't made a good effort at going in the past. So I really like to have my husband there to guide me through it all. We sat down, and they began. The first couple knelt at the alter. As they spoke the words, my heart swelled and my eyes teared up. They hit me just right there. I heard the promises I had made to my husband. And I knew that what we had was more important than anything here on Earth. That those things that troubled me were not worth sacrificing my marriage. What was important was to stay devoted and true to my husband. That we need to keep our family together. And we will be blessed for doing so.



I know with all my heart that the LDS church is true. Not just because it opened my eyes, and I was given a revelation and some good advice. No, it's because that night, when I received that revelation, I felt whole again. And I can not describe how wonderful that feels. Everything was made clear. All that had been clouded up in my mind was gone. It was all so simple now. And that is how I know it's true. I don't have to wonder, or guess, if what I am doing, or living is right.

I know my church is not everybody's church. I know that there are some that read this blog who are not LDS. My religion may seem foreign to some. I don't expect everyone to accept or believe every aspect of it. But just know I am a person who believes in Christ and Heavenly Father. Who lives a religion that is good, and that provides many services. I believe our church has done many great things on this Earth, and I believe that it has helped me become a person that does many great things as well.

I am also a person who is grateful for her family. They are all amazing people, who do amazing things. And they all would drop anything to help someone in need. I'm thankful for my husband, who gives me an understanding that most would not. And I am grateful for my children. They are so wonderful in so many ways. And they are so good to forgive their mom when she has acted badly.



Thank you to those who read!