The Marathon is Over

Ever since I got pregnant with my third I have felt like I've been running a never ending marathon. Completely exhausted and stretched to my limits, I constantly felt, "Will I ever catch a break?"

Life seemed to throw never ending trials our way. There was no stability in life. I lost my temper everyday, which, even though I have a hot temper, is kind of unusual. I can usually keep it cool for at least a month.

The trials we were sent seemed to say that what I felt was normal. That having three kids under three, a husband working and in school and not enough money to cover basic expenses was enough to explain this endless race I was in. But even so I'd sometimes look at things and think, "Should it really feel this exhausting all the time?"

Little did I know what underlying problems existed in my life. Problems that kept happiness from being a part of our everyday life. Well now the problems are found, the marathon is over and hear come the aches and pains.

Everyday my heart weighs heavy with a pain. A pain that only time can heal. I have gotten progressively better, but the pain still exists. I have gotten past the anger, for the most part, but still the pain remains. So tiring is this burden that at times I still wish I could just leave this life and move on to the next. Thoughts that don't come often, but sometimes manage to creep their way in.

As my husband and I work together to build our relationship back up, my faith is slowly restored, my trust begins to return and my hope that I have made the right decision is renewed. Visits with The Bishop, The Stake President and with our counselor have all helped us to take a step towards being healed. Slowly the pain lessens. But it may be something that always exists.

We have been truly blessed in our time of need. Our ward is amazing, and the church has helped us in so many ways. I am just so grateful that I have it in my life.

I have come through a trial I never thought I'd have to bear. It has caused hardship, and heartaches, that I didn't think I was capable of enduring. Once again the Lord has found a way to show me how strong I really am. Sometimes I look at my life and think, "Is this life really mine? Are these really the trials I'm asked to face? Must this be the life I'm asked to live?"

Even so, I think the reward for these trials will be much sweeter than had they not come. They themselves are blessings in disguise that showed me that the life I was living didn't have to be acceptable. And for that I am grateful.

Dear Katie Herzig. . .

. . .You may not know this but your song "Lost and Found" has profoundly effected me. More so then anyone would think a song could effect someone.

I first heard it on Grey's Anatomy. I thought to myself, "That's a good song!"

Then I started hearing it on the tell end of the We Bought a Zoo trailer. I simply had to hear more of that song. The few seconds on the trailer were not enough. And so began the search.

"This will be easy." I thought. "I don't think I'll have any problems finding this song."

Well I was wrong. I searched high and low. I typed phrases in every form. I looked at You Tube video after You Tube video. I finally went straight to Google. After reading some message boards I finally found it. It was such a relief to click on that video and hear that tune was dying to hear.

I couldn't stop replaying it. It was so inspiring. Even though I didn't know what I was inspired to do, it made me feel like I could do something.

I impulse ordered the CD. I couldn't wait for it to come. It would be a couple days because of the holidays so I tried to be patient. I listened to the song every time I got on the computer. Sometimes I spent way to long on facebook, or checking email, just trying to find something to do so I could keep listening.

The real miracle of the song came later. When I came to the knowledge of something that has caused me more pain than I care to remember. My world was black. There was no up or down. There was no reason or logic. There was only pain. Pain and anger. I wanted to be numb. To not feel anymore. I wanted to stop having to battle all the emotions going through me. My heart was broken. If not for my kids, I would have just wished to die.

I remember waking the next morning wishing the sun hadn't risen. Wishing that tomorrow hadn't come. But I woke up and did my best to carry on through the day.

And then the CD came. Now, getting a CD can be fun and exciting. Especially when you love music. And especially when you're poor. But that isn't the blessing it brought.

I stuck it in a player. I went straight to track 10, "Lost and Found". I took long slow breaths. I breathed in the music and the words. As I exhaled I could feel a little weight from my heart escaping amongst music. I listened to the song over and over. Every time it gave me just enough strength to cope.

It didn't solve my problems, but it helped me to release some of the pain. I look back now and realize what a blessing it was that your CD came the day it did. A small, simple blessing, but a blessing all the same.

If the only purpose this song served was to help me through this trial, in the way that it did, then I assure you your talents and efforts were not wasted. But I also know it has touched many other people as well.

I don't expect this to ever be read by Katie Herzig herself. But I still wanted to put it out there. It truly was a blessing to find this song. As strange as that sounds.

Merry Christmas!

I personally find it fascinating that I hold something in common with a woman such as Mary. Even if it is simply because we are both mother's, who have experienced pregnancy and the joys of bringing a child into the world. Though it is something common among women, I feel a sort of closeness to Mary that I did not feel before.

How this woman rode across the desert, on a donkey, while possibly in third trimester is beyond me. She was blessed with more grace then I shall ever have. I truly and deeply thank her for her sacrifices. What strength that woman must have had. I cannot imagine the heart aches she had to endure.

To Mother's everywhere, Merry Christmas. Children are the greatest gift. They make this time of year all that it is. After all one child, in particular, is the reason for the season.

Here's hoping all of you have a very Merry Christmas!

Saul of Tarsus

Every Sunday night we watch a Living Scriptures video with our kids. We can't afford the DVD's, so we record it off of a religious channel. This means most of them are from the New Testament.

Well last week's was Saul of Tarsus. We had just talked about Saul in Sunday School, and watching the video further reminded me of how much I love this story.

Perhaps it is because I have such a deep admiration for people who are capable of having such strong convictions. Maybe there were times Saul doubted. Perhaps he fell into despair and wondered if he really was doing to the right thing. That may be a part of the story we'll never hear. But, what we do know, is he faced so much opposition and yet he stayed true to the end. He had such perfect faith that, even when meeting his final parting from this world, he went without fear. For he knew he had served The Lord faithfully. What could be more amazing than that?

Or perhaps I just enjoy the awesomeness of the story. Being stunned by an angel, and converted to follow a completely different path, then the one you had chosen, is pretty amazing in my eyes.

But I think what I enjoy most about this story is that it is a story of redemption. That a man, who had committed some truly heinous sins, was forgiven and was allowed to right some of his wrongs. It really is a powerful message. That the power of forgiveness is so real and amazing, at times, I don't think we can comprehend it.

I truly admire Saul. He gives me hope in so many ways. He shows what can be accomplished when one has real faith. And he helps me to see that a person like me can be forgiven for my shortcomings and could even go on to do some pretty amazing things.

Sometimes I get angry with God. Sometimes I throw my fists in the air and ask, "What am I doing wrong?"

At times I become so bitter. I know I should pray for guidance and help. I know I should open my heart, and mind, and search for the things the Lord has blessed me with. That I should allow him to guide me, and I should continue to do what is right. But my faith gets so shaken. I no longer want to do what I know will help. I just want to be angry.

But, through examples like Saul, I am taught two very important things: that the most bitter, and angry, of hearts can be changed and forgiven; and that pure and unshaken faith can be practiced in even the most dire of circumstances.

So many are asked to go through so much, and yet many stay steadfast and strong. Well, than I too can keep my faith too. What has been asked of me suddenly doesn't seem so hard anymore.

Of course, being a huge lover of music, what captured me most, from the video, was the song. Which is why I posted the video here. Perhaps I'm a bit cheesy, but I've always really enjoyed the music on The Living Scriptures movies. This song really struck a chord with me. I'm a sucker for good lyrics, and I just thought these lyrics were written so well. I looked it up on you tube, and have been listening to it all night. After taking a shower, I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to share it. I hope somebody out there enjoys it as much as I do.

Always Learning! Always Growing!

I should be cleaning the house right now, but instead I'm down here, on my computer writing a post. Even though my house is a disaster, and every second spent in it stresses me out, I feel taking a minute to do something for myself, that will help me relax, is the best thing I can do right now.

Today my baby boy is 15 months old. As he grows nearer to the age of 18 months I think to myself, "Maybe I should start asking more of him? How old were the twins when I taught them baby signs? How old were they when I made them pick up their messes?"

I think the twins were around 15 months or so when I started asking them to do more things. But, of course, every baby is different. Like I don't know if my youngest will do baby signs. Which is OK. It worked well with the twins, but he may just prefer to talk, since that's what his older brothers do.

Anyway. . .after facing a stressful week of rearranging the house to put up Christmas stuff, trying to get laundry done with a dryer that takes 5 hours to dry a load-- if I stay on top of it-- and trying to get the house dusted and mopped, as those are this weeks chores. I worked two days this week-- which shouldn't be too much to ask, but has really effected my abilities to get things done--, and now they've asked me to come in tomorrow too. Even though 10:00 AM is our wake up time around here, I find myself exhausted and just wanting to lay down all day long, which usually finds me in bed until 11:00 AM or so. Kind of pathetic, I know. But I do stay up late, getting things done.

On top of that, we now enter the holiday season. We have work parties and church meeting to get to. I love, love, love it! But it does also make getting things done around here a little bit harder.

Well, this morning I put the kids in their chairs for breakfast. I gave the twins a bowl of cereal, and the baby a banana. I also gave the baby some cereal to snack on. One of the twins kept saying, "Baby put on the floor!" Meaning the baby was throwing food on the floor. And so begins the tattling. I told the baby 3 times to stop, but still the cereal spilled all over the floor.

I don't know why, but it really got to me today. I've had patience with the endless mess I clean up with this child. The fact that I can't get anything under control whenever he's awake. He makes messes ten times faster then I can clean them up. And all existing messes get lost in the wake. However, patience was now lost. I was feeling really stressed about the house at this point. Very unmotivated, and lacking the help I'd need to get this all cleaned up.

I decided it was time to try and teach him to pick up his mess. Well, that's when I lost it.

The third baby has been a struggle for me, and that's probably no secret. For months I felt like I was the wrong mother for him. That he shouldn't have been sent to me because I just didn't think I could care for him the way I should. My friend blamed it on the fact that I had him c-section, and that I bottle fed-- which, by the way, did not make me very happy. I had the twins by c-section too, and they were bottle fed as well, and I never once regretted having them. But there have been numerous times where I thought, "I shouldn't have had this baby. Everyone was right!"

Why that is? I don't really know. His birth was kind of harsh because his cry sounded so angry. Our personalities seem to clash. Plus, I think it was hard to have a 9 month pregnancy and get two babies out of it, and then be pregnant for the same amount of time to only have one baby. I was exhausted at the end of my pregnancy with baby number three, and part of me felt like pregnancy wasn't worth it.

When the twins arrived I thought, "If I had known all that work was for you I wouldn't have minded."

When baby number three came I thought, "I am just so tired, I don't think I can do this again."



Baby number three is also surrounded by several other stresses. Ever since he came all has fallen apart, and can't be rebuilt-- much like my house when he is awake. I don't mean that to sound like I'm blaming him, it's just the facts. After we got pregnant with him my husband lost his job, I had to return to work, we fell into financial turmoil, we've been on and off food stamps, we've been on and off medicaid, nothing has been steady, we owe everyone money and my household projects have been in a permanent unfinished state. The only thing not permanent about our house projects is how we manage to add even more unfinished projects to the list.

I don't think I love baby number three less than the twins. I just think it's been really hard for the last two years-- that's when I got pregnant with him-- and that has just made it hard to really to enjoy him.

So, I lost it. I yelled and screamed. I said some awful things. I made him cry. I put him in time out, just to get him away from his monster mom. When I opened the door to check on him, his tears almost made me cry. I wanted to hold him, and tell him I was sorry. But I felt, before I did that, he should do as I asked and clean up the mess he made. So I guided his hand and his body completely. We picked up cereal and threw it in the trash. I told him he had to do it, and that I knew he was capable. His brothers got down to help, and I just watched. Then, something amazing happened! He picked up some cereal and put it in the trash. Then he picked up some more. He even picked up two at a time-- that's something that took his brothers a while to grasp. And I just felt wonderful! It felt wrong to feel this wonderful, after I had been so awful. I felt like I didn't deserve it. But I was just so happy with what he had learned. And you know what? He was happy too. He wasn't sulking, or feeling sorry for himself-- which are some of the things he usually does. No, he was happy too!

I knelt down to give him a hug, but he has too busy cleaning up cereal. I finally got him to come over and give me a hug. I told him how sorry I was, and I kissed his head. The funny thing is, with how happy he was, I felt completely forgiven.

I was worried that I may never get past my negative emotions towards the way life has been since we found out we were having our third. But when I calmed down a little, and we made progress on the making of messes, I realized I do love this little boy more than anything. And that things will get better. Our relationship having a few bumps along the way will only mean that it will be more rewarding in the end.

My new boss sent me a card, thanking my for all I sacrifice to come to work. A gesture that was very much appreciated by me! Along with that he also sent this quote, which I found to be truly inspiring.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of having selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, others may be jealous; Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do it anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in final analysis, it is between you and God; It never was between you and them. . .anyway.

~Mother Teresa

I want to be an honest person. I know discretion must still be practiced. Things don't always need to be said and some people just don't need to know everything. But I still like to know that I have been as honest as I can be. Even when it comes to small things like telling people how I'm doing or saying, "We should get together sometime."

Some may say this is not a world where honesty can reign free. That, in this world, being honest will cost you. You never know who you can trust, and you never know what conclusions people will draw.

I still feel that being honest is the best way to be. I don't want to hide things, or act ashamed. My husband may be the only person that I truly tell every single thing too, but I still feel it is important that I not hide it away, hoping no one will ever see.

Emotions, frustrations, actions are all human. We have all felt them. And having the courage to say, "Yes I did feel that way," I don't think is a bad thing.

I have gotten mostly good reactions from just being honest with people. And I feel better myself as well. I give thanks to Mother Teresa for her words that give me courage to continue being honest in a world that says I can't.

Knowing My Limits

I thought by now I knew my limits. I knew when to call it quits. But when I look around, knowing there's really no way to get relief, it's hard to throw in the towel.

This week has been awful. My husband started clinicals with school, and now has one more absent night of the week. I feel so bad for him. I just can't give him the relief he probably needs. Mostly because we both need relief. He has to wake up early, but always ends up staying up late to help me put the boys to bed, etc. I'm sure he wants to come home and just relax, but he usually comes home to help me rally the troops and get them in line. It's really not fair. Not fair for either of us.



I feel like I've been on my own for this whole week. Though that's only partially true. I've now taken on a new job, luckily the hours are pretty low key, plus I still sub at the school. Even though I only worked two days this week the house is a disaster. And the boys just haven't allowed me to catch up. They all seem to be uncontainable this week, and they keep making uncontainable messes.


I've been yelling in that same voice I used when I was pregnant last summer. I thought it was all because of pregnancy, but now I'm thinking the age between 12 months and 18 months is just plain hard. It sort of feels like limbo. The baby isn't napping like he used too, but still isn't ready for just one nap. He doesn't take bottles like he used to, but still isn't ready to give them up. And the worst part is that getting into the same things over and over is still fun for him.



I thought back to the twins. I thought about how, before they turned 1, everything seemed under control. 6 to 12 months was great. They stayed on schedule really well. The started being able to eat finger foods and hold their own bottles. They were playful and fun, but couldn't get into everything. It was great!

Then came their first birthday, and all was lost. I don't think we really felt back on track until they were able to get down to just one nap a day.

Yes, I've been monster mom. On the verge of feeling like I've totally lost it, and will never find it again. Knowing that I need to calm down, and stop, before I loose control. But unable to find the strength, or patience, to do so.

I hope, for my children's sake, things get better. I've been trying to remember to pray more often. I've kind of lost touch with that lately. And I made a point to have a good family home evening last night. I may have yelled here and there, and got very upset when the twins both pushed their little brother, but I think we still had a good night.

I also found the strength to sit down and do some fun crafts with the boys.




No matter how patient I become I'll always have limits. I guess it's not so bad to learn them. Now, I just need to remember to give myself a time out when I reach them.