Trying to Feel the Love This Valentine's Season

I've really been struggling the last few weeks. I've been trying to fight off the feelings of inadequacy. The feelings that say I have absolutely no way to get a handle on my life. The one's telling me I really have been handed more than can handle. Somedays I just have absolutely no idea how I'm going to get control of my life.

A couple of weekends ago we had a busy Saturday, and I felt myself getting overwhelmed. I went to a friends shower but didn't stay long because I could feel myself slipping. We then made a trip to the grocery store and as I was loading the car a woman walked by and said, "Are your feet cold?" I was a little confused and said, "No." Then she replied, "Well your baby's are." I was completely shocked I tried to shake it off as I put my baby in his car seat, who had apparently taken his socks off somewhere along our busy Saturday. I turned around to see if the woman was still there and see if I could come up with some sort of reply to let her know how rude I thought she was. I sarcastically yelled, "Thank you!" She simply replied, "You're welcome!" This made me angry. How could she honestly think I was being gracious. I then decided I needed to get my point across. So I yelled every rude thing that came to my mind. I yelled as long as I could still see her. I yelled when I thought maybe she was within ear shot. And I yelled even though I was pretty sure she could no longer hear me anymore.  Later I felt bad for all the horrible ugliness I threw at her.

My husband walked up confused and I explained it all. As much as he said he understood I felt like he had put up some sort of a wall since we had left the baby shower. It made me upset that I didn't feel completely understood by him and we ended up mad at each other.

When I got home my mom called, or I called her I can't remember. She could tell I was upset and asked me what was wrong. I broke down into tears and told her about what happened. My mom rose to my defense. It's hard to explain but I wasn't so angry about what she said I was angry that she had given me a trial I now had to deal with and struggle to get over. I understand it's my choice to get upset and get angry, but it's a hardship to turn the other cheek, to seek the road of peace and to just let it go and move on and not just sit and fume about it until I'm sick.

Life trailed on. My wedding Anniversary was coming up, and I wasn't looking forward to it. But I tried to remain positive and think we could find a way to have a decent anniversary, even if it has foul memories attached to it. We were supposed to get away for the weekend. We ended up fighting. So goes the curse of our anniversary. We tried to make up for it on Valentine's day. My husband even replaced my wedding ring. But I was so upset with myself for letting our weekend get ruined because I got into a funk when I realized things weren't nearly as planned out as I had thought. It was hard, but trying to have hope that I could enjoy our anniversary, and then feeling like it was just going to be another let down really got to me.

Things seemed a little better, but I felt like I was constantly battling to stay on top. One of my twins had to go into surgery to get is retina reattached, and it happened to be the week my parents went out of town. My parents going out of town is hard on it's own. Their help with the kids makes everything go a little bit smoother. But on top of it we had a surgery that I was kind nerve wracked over-- thankfully my amazing aunt came to our home at 6:30 in the morning to babysit, AMAZING!

As I'm dealing with my child's recovery, trying to squeeze everything in, while also running on low sleep and little time for a break and while not having the grandparents as a go to sitter for random things that pop up, some comments about my kids behaviors sent me over. I continued to fight. But I couldn't help but feel so inadequate as a mother, so helpless to try and correct my children. I feel so alienated when I go out in public with my kids. Then to top it off I seem to be getting bombarded with incidents that only serve to prove that my kids are just too much to take places.

It's hard, I have at least one more, if not double, and sometimes four times the kids of most people my age. As I talk to people sometimes I forget they haven't hit certain stages, or they don't have nearly as many little people vying for their attention. It makes it hard. And I realize not everyone truly understands what having 4 kids within 4 years, that happen to all be boys, is really like. But still I wish I felt like I could take my kids somewhere without my stomach knotting up, and hoping I don't have to endure any comments about it later.

Today truly dumped on me. I struggled to get past comments about my kids. My youngest wouldn't take a nap. I sat down to do a scrap booking project but found all my supplies were lost and missing. I hit my head on the shelf above our dryer. I loaded the kids up and went to the store to get supplies only to find my debit card would not work. I headed to the bank to check my balance. One of my children got out of his seat just has a I had to slam on the breaks, knocking over the plastic toilet someone had used while they were waiting in the car and getting a bloody nose. I then went to the store where my kids ran around like crazy monkey's. I took deep breaths and tried to calmly ask them to stop as to not turn into the crazy mom snapping at her kids all through the store. I got home and unloaded the groceries. I found a moments peace when I saw my boys all happily helping me carry stuff in and put it away. One little boy even struggled to carry in the big packs of V8 I had set outside the door. Then as I made a dash to change the baby, start the pizza, stop the dryer which is broken and won't stop on it's own, let the dogs out and put away groceries one child decided to play in the bathroom. He was once again pumping my homemade foam soap, that has essential oils in it, down the drain. I have told him and told him and told him not to mess with the soaps. I have told him this when he grabs the antibacterial soap in the bathroom and uses a whole bottle to make a bubble bath. I told him when half our Christmas foam soap disappeared to him playing in the sink. We have gone over this. So I snapped and sent him to his room.

I have been playing music non stop. I did exercises and danced to help get rid of all the negativity. I continued to struggle with the comments made earlier. I read in a book that when we rehash things we actually open a portal between us and the person we're upset with and allow them to come in and to keep hurting us. In my head I tell myself, "Close the portals, sever the ties." It's helped a lot. But it's still a fight. We also said a lot of prayers. Or at least I did, in my head. As the night went on I heard a voice whisper, "Let me take it." I took a deep breath and let go of all the emotions.

It's hard being a mom of 4 young boys. It's hard to realize that I can't always take my kids with me everywhere I go. I love my kids, and I want to spend time with them because I feel like I am always gone. I realize not everyone is used to the craziness that is my kids. It's just hard to keep my own life in check. It's seriously a big bunch of craziness that never slows down. And then when other people add to that I just really struggle with being given the burden of having to try and let it go and move on. Oh well, I know I've probably done my fair share of saying things that were insulting, even though I don't do it intentionally.

The Nie Nie Dialogues

Can I just tell you how much joy I have found in reading The Nie Nie Dialogues. This woman is just so amazing and the things she writes are just so touching. She is such an inspiration to me and this post in particular just really helped me as of late. As I read about her trials, and how she cried, and she even feels inadequate as a mother, I just felt so touched and so relieved that there was someone else out there that feels this way too. And if someone as amazing as her has these moments then there is hope for me.

Thanks Stephanie for your amazing blog, and your amazing posts! If you can read this know I truly admire you and would love to meet you someday, but if that never happens I will continue to adore reading your blog :).

Merry Christmas

I Took 4 kids to the Zoo by Myself and Guess What? It Was One of the Best Days Ever!

Last Tuesday I took my boys to the Zoo.

All four of them, all by myself.

And then I drove them up a canyon. . .

. . .and took them to the outlets and Main Street in Park City.

Crazy? Probably. But you know what? It was the most enjoyable day I've had in a long time. I really didn't raise my voice, or get stark, raving, crazy mad. In fact I was happy and calm all day. The boys listened. The baby was so good. And we just had such a great day.

I miss days like these. I miss being home with them. I was so sad to see the day fade away and come to an end. A day where we stole some "free" time and just enjoyed life. We used to get more days like this. Now it's back to working and being crazy busy with school and life, and maybe trying to actually do my homework. Maybe one day I'll get more days like this again :)

Dinner? What's That?

Is that where you grab food from the freezer and warm it up in a skillet?

I seriously used to cook a lot more than I do now. But it has been so long, and I am so out of the habit. I have even forgotten about some of those recipes I used to cook, and enjoy, all the time. I miss cooking. I miss it being doable. It seems like such a hard task to accomplish these days.

Sometimes we get in good kicks where we prepare fresh salads, and try to eat fruit and veggies, but then all of the sudden there is a shift somewhere, and all that produce just ends up going bad. Lately I've been afraid to attempt to plan on cooking something that requires fresh produce because I'm certain plans will change, or something will come up, and the produce will go to waste.

Also, we always seem to be out and about doing something. When I was able to be at home more I would plan better, and pack lunches. But now we have to just get things done, and get them done now, so we run out the door and just take the loss of eating out.

We have been truly terrible at eating in, and saving money. And we really can't afford to eat out as much as we do. But with both of us working, and going to school, time, and energy, just seems to be far to fleeting to allow for home cooked meals. So I made us a schedule to try and inspire us to eat in. Instead of picking meals for each day of the month I picked a theme for each day of the week (Italian, Mexican, New Recipe, etc.).

This has helped us some, but I have to tell you, eating in leads to way more dishes. I mean before we had plates, cups, bowls and such from meals,-- even ones where we ate out-- but I'm just shocked at how cooking one simple meal can quadruple those dishes. And when you don't have a working dishwasher it becomes a real headache. I didn't need sleep anyway right? ;)

I have to confess, I feel no motivation to want to eat in whatsoever. There is the tiny fact that eating out just gets old. But with our lives so hectic and crazy I just miss the ease that comes from driving down to Little Ceasars for a $5 pizza. And trying to select healthy choices that can be quick and on the go, seems to be harder than one would think. I know, I know, there are always those things that say, "Healthy made easy" or "Eating healthy only takes a little more effort". But I'm afraid that little bit of extra effort can really become a huge mountain to climb when you can't even find time for homework. One future plan is to try and prepare food for the week on Sunday. We're still working on fitting that in.

I'd really like to get more of a handle on life. I'd like to feel accomplished at the end of the day instead of constantly stressed because I know I didn't get everything done that I needed to. I'm not even close to being on top of things. And I'm just taking it one thing at a time. As we slowly strive to get a handle on everything eventually we will work this all in. Until then my kids may be primarily made up of mac and cheese and microwave chicken nuggets. 

To My Future Daughter in Law's

OK, so I have wanted to write something like this for a while, but now I'm afraid that it might be the butt of controversy.  So please know that if any of this sounds one sided, or like I'm picking sides, I really don't mean it to. I love my boys and understand perfectly that every situation is different. These are just some perspectives I have from my experiences, but they aren't my only perspectives :).

To my future Daughter in Law's,

Let me start off by saying, I have no idea how to be a mother in law. I've thought and thought and thought about this subject. I know no matter what gender I happened to have there was no way to escape becoming  a mother in law. But the pressure is on when it comes to being a mother in law to only daughter in laws. My roll is an infamous one, full or cliche's and bad jokes. I wish I could somehow escape this. Maybe I can, but probably not. But my main concern isn't our relationship. Our relationship doesn't matter nearly as much as the relationship you'll have with my son-- sons. I have dedicated my life to trying to make sure I raise you the perfect husband-- husbands. It's inevitable that I fail. Nobody is perfect after all. But I just want you to know what things I will try to teach my sons in hopes that they will be good husbands to you.

First of all my experiences have led me to see that I want to teach my sons how to really love a woman. This means more than just repeatedly playing the Brian's Adams' song over and over again-- yes this is the second time I've mentioned Brian Adams on this blog, can you tell I'm a fan ;). You know how you watch those romantic movies. The one's where the man goes to all sorts of lengths to get a girls attention, or convince her she is loved. And then you hear, "That only happens in the movies." Is that true? I hope not. I hope I can teach my boys to see that even though they may not always understand the way a woman reacts that she is not just some irrational being who should be written off. Her thoughts and feelings should be listened too and validated. They should look at it as an opportunity to try and learn more about a woman and the important role that she will play in their lives.

I want to teach my boys to respect a woman even if she is not respecting herself. I hope to teach them that when a woman dresses a certain way she isn't necessarily broadcasting, "I want sex." At least in most cases. She is trying to say she wants a mate, that she wants to be loved, that she wants a meaningful relationship, that she wants to be treated like the girls in those romantic movies and a little that she wants to feel like she's hot. It wasn't until recently that I fully understood what dressing provocatively does to men. I know people tried to explain it to me, but it just didn't click. I had in my head that sex was love. But sex and love are two separate things that can eventually come together, one can be the expression of the other. But for most men sex can be separate from love. This can be true for women too, but for me, at least, they were one and the same. When a guy looked at me in a super hot dress with longing in his eyes I thought, "This is how I get his attention. This is how I show him that he wants to get to know me. Now he see's that he's interested in me as a person." It didn't really occur to me what messages men might really think I was sending. I want my boys to take a step back and look for all the message possibilities. I hope I can explain these differences well, and more importantly, I hope they grasp it.

Along with that my boys will be told to never, ever, ever, ever, hit a woman. OK. . .there may be some scenario someday where it could be justified-- this is why I also hope I can teach them good discernment. But if a woman is being aggressive I want them to just walk away.

I will tell my boys that if they feel the need to rebel, to go on a journey to experience life, to throw order out the window and go completely insane trying to find themselves that they do it on my time. I'd much rather have them rebel on me. I'd much rather have them go insane on me. I'd much rather deal with their crazy journeys of self awareness then to have them promise their spouse that they are a person who will live a certain life. That they are a person who will make certain vows, only to shatter them a couple years later because they never took the opportunity to learn and explore all the options there are in life so they can be certain this is the life they really want. So if they feel the need to rebel. I hope they rebel on me.

Another thing I have tried to tell myself as I raise my boys, "I'm raising your husband, not my son." Yes my boys are my sweet little babies. They will always be my children, but in reality the most important relationship they have is the relationship they have with you. I'm raising them to take care of you, not me. I firmly believe that God intended new families to begin this way. I believe that a young couple is to marry and then go off and learn how to be a couple. I think they should date and get to know each other. They should worry about their relationship and work on building it together. They need to just be themselves so they can become one and united. I am preparing myself to let my boys-- well I guess men-- go and start building their family. I want them to take care of you and the relationship you share. It should be of the utmost importance. They always say that in order to take care of others you need to first take care of yourself. I want my boys to treat their marriages like this. First you two take care of yourselves and your little family, and then you worry about others. When they get married I will let them go and if I raised them right they will come back. Only hopefully when they come back they will be one with you and they will present you to me, not me to you.

I love my boys. They are so very special to me, and I totally have their back if situations get tough. But this is a letter to my future daughter in laws, whomever you may be, and these are just some of the things I want you to know that I thought of while I was trying to find a way to survive the crazy day to day life of raising 4 boys 4 years old and under. I hope I got through somewhere.

I want you to know that I really do believe that the relationship my sons have with their wives is the MOST important one. And I am working hard to make sure I raise them with this mindset. I don't know if you and I will get along. I can't guarantee that I will be an awesome mother in law-- in fact I will probably be terrible. . .really, really terrible. I know it won't be easy. I know it won't be perfect. I know it will be hard to watch my sons grow up and become men. I know it will be hard to let them go and pass the torch onto another woman. But the thing is the torch was never mine. In my head it has always been yours, and my job is to prepare them for you. I hope I taught them well.

Sincerely,

Your Future Mother in Law

 P.S. I also hope that somewhere along the way they learned to be clean.

I Mean Really

I have been crazy mom this last week. I yelled at my kids non stop. I wasn't too happy with myself. My oldest are 4, and yet still some of the things that come out of their mouths just hits me. Sometimes they are so demanding and rude and I just look at them like, "Really?" The younger of the twins will constantly say stuff like, "Mom! You lost my Superman cape"
"I didn't loose it. It's your job to keep track of your toys."
"No, it's your job. You lost it Mom"

I mean really?

And now that it is summer they insist on going outside all the time. Not only do they leave the door open for the millionth time, they insist on dirtying every article of clothing they own. So not only does the cat get in, the dog that wonders get out and my electricity bill for the central air go up, I end up with a huge pile of laundry to wash and fold. And, while everyone is getting in and out of the irrigation ditch in our front yard and taking numerous baths, someone always ends up outside with no clothes on.

I mean really?

One Sunday the kids had all been playing outside and one of them pooped his pants. So I was washing him off, and told another child to get undressed so he could get in the tub. I guess what I, in fact, said was, "Go outside and play some more."
Me, tired of being disobeyed for the umpteenth time today, ran outside and told him to get inside and in the tub now or he couldn't go to Grandma's.
While all this is going on the sink, in the kitchen, was overflowing from the dishes I was "doing". Said child that disobeyed then proceeds to chew me out, "Mom! You made a mess. Clean it up now!"
Well that didn't go over big with me. I yelled at him, "I can make messes because I clean them up. Now go and get in the tub."
As you can imagine he was completely obedient and got right in tub just as I asked. He even said sorry. I know that last part gave it away. What actually happened is he yelled at me some more, I yelled at him some more, he slipped on the water and sat there and cried.

I mean really?

The twins started kickball this summer. They begged and begged and begged me to sign them up for baseball. The only thing in their age range was kickball. So we signed them up. They were all upset because they couldn't play that day. Well play day came and what happens, "Mom I'm too tired. I don't want to play kickball. I just want to go home." They then go out on the field, lay down on the grass, ignore their coach and throw tantrums of every kind. Ugh! Seriously it wears me out.

I mean really?

There is just so many things. I'm overwhelmed.Tired of not ever getting a moment to relax a little. I'm exhausted by the endless projects and chores around here. I love getting to go to school. I love my cleaning business. But in all honesty I love to take care of my home. In someways I get a slight thrill from keeping my house in order-- I guess its a "pat on the back, job well done" sort of thing. I want to just be home, but that is not an option. I want to take my kids to the splash pad, but I never have time. And when we do get to do something fun, the next day they'll be chewing me out again. It makes me so mad that I sacrifice time and money to take them somewhere, and they end up being rude and ignorant to me a day or two later. They're angels when we're out having fun, or when I buy them something. But I can't spend money on activities and toys all the time.

Sometimes I hope and pray my kids will turn out alright. I have become very lax in how I deal with things these days. I don't really punish a lot. I hardly use time out. I took spanking off the table because I, personally, need to draw the line there. Some days I feel like I'm totally failing but then I get a hint of something I may have done right.

The boys always get excited about helping me clean and fix things. They'll get rags to wipe up spills, tools to help hang curtains and carry bricks to help me with a project in the yard. They will always come and apologize, "Mom, I'm sorry I yelled."
Some days they are all such good brothers to each other. They take care of the baby. They help their brother with his seat belt. They take drinks to each other and share their treats. It is really sweet.
And even if kickball doesn't turn out the way it should, at least they see their Mom and Dad and Grandpa and Grandma come out to watch them play. I don't care if they walk away with an ounce of knowledge of the game as long as they feel the love and support of their family. I really think that's what is important.

I won't get this perfect, but everyday we're all learning from each other. And, I mean really, isn't that all you can ask for? :)

P.S. Great tip for feeding babies baby food: use a straw. At first I just stuck it in the jar and held it for my little guy, but then their Dad started poking holes in the lid, sticking the straw in and letting the baby hold it. The baby loves it and, as long as they can work a straw, it works great. This tip came from a really good friend that lives down the street. I totally swear by it :)