WHY?

Why can't I be the type of mother who snuggles her kids when they wake up crying in the middle of the night?

Instead I get frustrated and angry and demand that they go to sleep.

Yes, the other night I lost my temper when my children woke up several times during their nap, and again during the night. I was so upset with them, and at such a loss of what to do, I finally brought them upstairs into my bed where they finally drifted off to sleep. This, however, is a habit I don't want to start.

As a mother I'm a little rough around the edges. I don't like to let my children demand of me. But by doing so I sometimes forget that I need to be soft, caring and safe.

I've decided I need to try to be a little less selfish. You know how they say, "To make a marriage work both spouses must be selfless." I'm applying that to motherhood too. I don't plan on letting my children walk all over me, but I just need to think a little less of my needs and little bit more of theirs. I think it will bring a little more peace into our home.

Be on Your Best Behavior!

I have to admit I have not been on my best behavior lately. We finally got over the mountain of the baby's indigestion issues- gas drops and heart burn medicine seem to be working well- but then he started having bad days again. This did not make me too happy. I feel bad because he doesn't feel good. And then I feel bad for loosing my temper with him. I know he's not trying to make me angry but sometimes he hits this nerve just right and all my patience flies out the window.

Two days ago was a terrible day. He cried when I burped him, he cried when I fed him and he cried pretty much all through out the day. I know it's ridiculous to yell at a newborn, but sometimes I feel like sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling, "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! " OK so maybe I don't always just feel like it I actually do it. I don't think I'm actually yelling at him. I think I'm just trying to find an outlet for all the emotions that are knotting up in my stomach. But that's not what I feel terrible about. The worst thing that happened was when I went to pick him up to burp him. I had to stop myself. If I picked him up I felt like, at that moment, I might hurt him. I've never been that angry before. I've been on the brink of being that angry. I've been scared of getting that angry, but I've never actually been that angry. I guess at least I was smart enough to stop myself.



So, evidently, I've been fighting a kidney infection for all week. This has caused me to be in a lot of pain, so much pain I wanted to just cry sometimes. Then to accompany that pain there are severe chills and shakes. I could hardly function when those came on. Then to top it all off I get a fever and night sweats. Those leave me soaked in the morning. Being sick definitely means that I can't give 100% to my kids, but I don't want it to be an excuse. I need to learn to just walk outside and take a break. Leave the crying baby in the crib and just take a break. I did it once and it actually felt really good. I felt really in control of myself, which is what I want to be.

I finally went to the Doctor to get treated for the infection- I thought I just hurt because my hips were out of place or something. Who knew my pain could actually be treated? The baby is doing much better now. We found a better way to give him his heartburn meds and that really seemed to help.

Having three kids is hard. I've heard that the third is always a real eye opener. It's so hard that when any of us aren't feeling good I get this horrible despairing feeling. I can barely handle the kids when we are healthy and happy. Just the mere though of having to handle something else on top of that just makes me want to cry.



On a different note, my husband has been hired at a care center. Of course this means that he has to be gone for over 12 hours a day, 4 days a week which will be difficult. I want to be very supportive so if anyone can lend a hand I'd greatly appreciate it. I did survive my first day without him though. And it was while I was sick. Of course, this morning I couldn't find the strength to do it again, but I didn't want him to have to miss work. Maybe if he just stayed home from school I'd be fine. His boss ended up letting him have the day off, which I am very grateful for!

Family Pictures

I love capturing memories, but why does it have to be so hard. My husband and I arranged a family photo shoot for my side of the family a couple of weeks ago. We got some beautiful pictures, but boy was I a monster all morning. I was yelling at my kids and getting frustrated with the baby- and everything else. My stupid hair wouldn't curl, and I couldn't find anything to wear. Then to top it all off one of the twins sweaters had a spot on it- he just wore it anyway.

So crazy is our lives before pictures that I wonder if it's worth it. I hope future generations can appreciate what I went through so they could enjoy one more photo ;)

P.S. My husband did a great job as our photographer that day!

1 month!

Yes it's been a month already since we welcomed our third son into the world- it's a little over a month now. And it was a rough month at that.

The first week was calm and easy. With the twins staying at Grandma's one baby didn't seem hard at all, and we hadn't noticed his sensitivity to formula yet.



The second week got a little rough. We started to notice he had gas and switched him to a formula for fussiness and gas. We didn't realize how well it was working until we switched him back to regular formula.

As the third week rolled around he seemed to be fussy all the time. He'd only sleep for an hour. You had to sit and rock him and hold his binkie in, and he was starting to throw up all over.



As we ended the fourth week life seemed better. But then again my husband had just spent a week home. As soon as he left the baby got fussy, the boys made messes and I couldn't get a minute just to put a load of laundry in.

Now we're here. You know how they talk about the calm after the storm? I guess that's what this is, and I'm so glad it finally came. Sometimes I break down, freak out, loose my temper and go crazy for a day. But then after that I seem happy and fine. Well instead of my break downs and freak outs only lasting a day they seemed to last a month. Every once and while I'd get an hour of calm after the storm, but it wouldn't last for long. But for the last two days I feel content, happy and a little relaxed again.



The baby gets more beautiful everyday- that probably sounds like a weird way to describe a boy, but he really is a pretty baby and he's just so nice to look at. He is definitely my husbands baby. My husband adores him, and I can tell they have a special bond.

The twins didn't make this month very easy either. They seemed to be very winy and they were always getting into things they weren't supposed to. They'd sleep in their beds really well one night and then the next night they'd keep getting up to play with toys. They were starting to really frustrate their mother with their crying and their messes. But now they seem to be happier too. And they are actually starting to play with one another, and show affection towards each other- as opposed to hitting and biting each other. From 12 months to 18 months has been the hardest with twins so far- at least for me- but now it looks like it will start getting better.

I have to say having two baby's the same age is definitely easier then having two babies very close in age. So all you ladies with Irish twins, my hat goes off to you ;)

Yeast Can be Such a Headache

It all started when the baby got thrush. We took him to the doctor and got some medicine.



Next thing I know I have a yeast infection.

Then the boys get unusually bad diaper rash's. We try everything to clear them up, but my little boy's just gets worse and worse. Soon the sores start bleeding and every diaper change is a poopy bloody mess. We took him to the doctor and he got some medicine.

Things just haven't gone well since then.


I mentioned my big boy threw up in the car on a family outing. Well we thought it was from getting car sick, but then he threw up twice that night. Then a few nights later his brother got sick and threw up all night long- sadly it was at grandma and grandpa's too. He threw up for half the next day too.



The twins stayed with my parents while we took the baby in for his circumcision. We tried giving him soy formula and he spit up twice that morning and once while we were waiting to see the doctor. We tell the doctor about our colicky, gassy baby and he recommends a formula called Nutrimigen. It is super expensive, but it has been working really well. Even though we buy the new formula the baby continue to spit up on everything. Blanket after blanket, sheets after sheets. We went through all of our sets of sheets, and both quilts for our bed. The laundry just kept piling up.

Here's the part where it gets confusing. Why did the twins both throw up? Did they have a virus? Their poop wasn't green and they never had a fever. Is it because of teeth? They are getting a couple in- and I'm hoping that is why they are so winy and unpleasant this week. Or could it have something to do with the 3 different yeast infections we all got?

Then there's the baby. First I thought he was grumpy because of the thrush. Then he continued to be fussy so we played the formula game. On regular formula he seemed to have bowel movements all the time, he'd never spit up and he'd have gas. On the sensitive he only poops once a day, but he passes the gas. Then we switched him to the soy. This time he pooped once a day, passed the gas and started to spit up all the time- but his brothers got sick and threw up around this time too, so did they all just have a virus? We put the baby on Nutrimigen and he still spits up a little, he still only poops once a day and he is passing the gas. Is it better to have him pass the gas, or is it better to have him not spit up? He seems to feel better on the Nutrimigen so I guess spitting up trumps having gas.

Was it the yeast that caused this downfall of not feeling good? Or is this the new standard for my children?

Call Me Vain

This post may seem a little vain, but I'm striving for some motivation. I was looking at some pictures of myself before I had children and boy was it an eye opener. So here I am displaying my vanity.

This is my husband and I while we were still dating.



Engagement



This is our lovely wedding day.



Us on our honeymoon.



The short period of marriage we had before kids.




Here we are the fall after we got married. I'm at the beginning of pregnancy with the twins.



I looked so much better in photos back then. Why didn't I appreciate that more?

Nowadays for me to feel good about a photo I have to spend an hour or two on hair and makeup, and even then I feel like it's slim pickings.

Me in this years Halloween costume



I understand that being a mother means your body takes on a whole different kind of beauty and I can appreciate that. I'm not saying I want to wear a bikini by next summer I just want to feel better about myself. I realize that stability in my self image shouldn't be tide up into my weight, but in someways it is.

When I look in the mirror I don't really look. I mostly just check to make sure there isn't a spot on my shirt or food in my teeth. I make sure my outfit looks good and that I don't have any embarrassing wardrobe mishaps, but I don't really look at myself because I don't want to feel the disappointment. That little bit of disappointment that I feel when I realize I'm not the young cute skinny thing I was. Yes beauty may take a different form, but it's still a little hard to accept myself as I am right now.

It's not all about looks either. It's about the health issue. I love the fast paced life me and my husband live, but I can feel it taking it's toll. I can see the tiredness in my eyes, and I can feel the aches in my body.

I'm sure we've all heard the story about how on an airplane the adult first puts on their breathing mask and then assists the child, and we're told to relate this to parenting. We see all the mothers on makeover shows that have neglected to care for themselves because they've been taking care of their family's needs first. We all know that sometimes mother's need to step back and say, "What about me?" It can't become a totally self involved thing, but every once in a while we need to take care of ourselves so we can continue to take care of our families.

So I'm taking care of me. I'm going to loose the weight this time. I'm going to be happy with how I look and feel. I want to see the woman my husband see's when I look in the mirror, so I'm going to diet and exercise.

So bare with me, as I share my journey on this blog. I've been dieting for almost 2 weeks. And it's been excruciatingly hard. I know food shouldn't be my stress release, but it is. I've been really trying to not cheat on my diet when the going gets tough. So far I've lost about 7 pounds, and I am about to where I was before baby 3. The real struggle, however, will be to get to where I was before the twins. I'm 20 pounds from that goal.

My favorite diet plan was weight watchers. Since I lack the money to join I sort of follow my own little system. A great snack to have are my made up burritos. You get two tortillas, black beans, sour cream, salsa, cheese and a lot of lettuce. I find it totally delicious, very filling and it doesn't take up a lot of points- referring to the weight watchers system.

So it may be vain, I may have poor self image and perhaps I shouldn't care because my husband can still look at me and call me beautiful, but I can't help it. I need to do this for me and, in the long run, for my family. Because we all know "If mom ain't happy ain't nobody happy!"

Mommy do This! Mommy do That!

Do you ever get tired of all the opposing words of advice you get as a mother.

One person says, "Lay them on their side." Another person says, "Lay them on their back."

One person says, "Start solids at 4 months." Another person says, "Wait until six months!"

I mean it really is quite the headache isn't it? Then to top it all off I spew my advice here :)

The best advice I can give for dealing with advice givers is have an advice filter.

The funny thing about all the advice is no matter how much you take and leave you're going to have take and leave a whole different set with each new child.

The twins were easy going babies. They're feedings were truly amazing. Even as newborns you could practically set a clock by them- every 3 to 4 hours on the dot. Then after they drank their bottle you would burp them, change them and lay them down and they would fall asleep.

The new baby, however, is a much different story. You feed him, burp him, feed him, burp him, change him, feed him and burp him. It can go on and on. His feedings will last for an hour or more sometimes. Then to top it off he's ultra sensitive. The regular formula gives him gas he can't pass. The sensitive gives him gas, but he can pass it. The soy gives him gas, he can pass it and it makes him spit up.

Along with that there's the bottle's and the nipples. Regular old bottles don't do the trick. And you can't just snag any old nipple. So far the Ventaire or Drop In's system- both from playtex- are the best. And you have to make sure you get a slow flow nipple or the gas and the fussiness is even worse.

When you finally get through a feeding you have to find the right position for him to sleep on. This position usually involves the Boppy and he usually has to be on his tummy. I know those are both "No no's" for sleeping, but I'm just trying to get through a day here. Usually I can manage to get him to sleep, but it's only for an hour or two and then he's up fussing again. Yes, no matter how much he eats,- sometimes 6 oz- he's up again within a 2 hours. This seems very unusual to me for a formula fed baby. But our conclusion- and the doctors too- is that he is getting gas pains and wakes up out of discomfort and thinks he needs to eat.

Oh and then there is the "How much should he eat" clause. Newborns are supposed to eat 2-4 oz every 3-4 hours or so. With the twins we would up their ounces if they started to wake up sooner then usual. But I heard that that was a big "no" and the amount our twins were eating by 2 months was way too much. But then you hear that, "Newborns are smart and they only eat as much as they need. They'll stop when they're full." Well I thought I'd try to keep this baby to the 2-4 limit to see if it helped anything. I threw that towel in pretty quick. Of course, it doesn't really matter because how much he eats changes with each feeding.

So here I am with my ultra sensitive and very demanding child thinking, "What on Earth do I try now?" I'm looking things up on the internet and asking doctors. We're rotating hips, rubbing tummies, bending legs and doing the football hold. It's almost like starting completely over.

The twins were so simple in a way. I didn't really have to search out or ask advice because we didn't run into many road blocks we couldn't get around ourselves. But the baby is taking me on a whole different ride. I'm now thinking, "I now understand why babies are so hard! If I would have had you first we definitely wouldn't have gotten pregnant again so soon." This, I hear, is a typical statement of mothers.

I must remember that, with parenting, there is right, there is wrong and then there is a whole bunch of gray. There's more then one way to raise a child, so I'll take the advice I need and do what I feel I have to do.